When I think back to the first days of my divorce it is almost like trying to remember having a child (for us women out there). After you know the pain of that first baby, why would you want to go through it again? Somehow God or Mother Nature takes the memory of the pain away and you don’t remember saying you would never go through that ordeal again. For you men out there it is a little like pushing a watermelon out through an opening the size of a grape.
But I have worked through the terrible pain and physical exhaustion of a divorce and given birth to a new me. After two years I have to refer to my GOWI© notebook and journals I kept at the time. I hate it when someone says “time heals all wounds” but I guess it is true with an emotional pain whether it be divorce or death. The pain has subsided and I am better than I was so many months ago. For all you out there that are beginning your healing know that it does get better even though you don’t believe it today. I had to learn new things and train my brain and emotions in a different dance to get to where I am today. So I will begin at the beginning. Not only finding a good counselor is important, but I contacted friends and family for emotional support and without each of them I would not be a better, stronger person. I received positive messages and great support that still means a lot to me. I would print the messages and put them in my diary so I could re-read them when I would feel down and in need of something positive. Don't close yourself to friends and family that might be able to help you through the dark days.
Remember I said when I first started counseling I felt sooo small. Just a tiny person in a great big world that I thought had no place for me. I remember feeling that way long before the divorce. I may have been having that same feeling since I was a born, I don’t know. I never felt like I fit in, was noticed by anyone. I didn’t have many friends and if I did have any it was not a large number. I don’t blame my parents, they were busy with other children, working to maintain an income and did their best with what they knew. I am just telling you how I felt whether it is reality or not.
When I began the CD series I wrote down what my emotions were telling me. For example: I will be alone forever; No one will ever want me; I am too old to start over; No one will ever really love me. As I went through the series and the counseling, slowly I began to realize that these were all untrue. I had to learn how to keep my emotions from lying to me and start telling the truth. First I learned why humans love and why it sometimes ends. There are 4 primary drives of the human heart. First to survive, then connection, accomplishing a unique mission and last, wholeness. When my ex and I met together with our counselor, he checked our relationship for these 4 qualities. We failed. He didn’t tell me that for awhile but failure means the relationship needs to end unless both of us wanted to work at building it back. Since my ex didn’t want to it was best for us to divorce and move on. It took two to fail so I don’t give him all the blame. We both had given up, just at different times. Neither of us was brave enough to say 'I want out'.
After a few weeks, when the shock and fog settled down, I discovered my counselor was right. I had never felt wholeness, a blissful feeling of being with my man. So failure of the marriage was inevitable. When one of you gives up, it’s over if you don’t fight to save it. I had to face the truth that we had a decaying realationship but that was a difficult task for me. I don’t give up easily. Neither of us were fulfilled. I was tired of living in a crumbling relationship so I had to say goodbye to him in my heart and start building a new life. For the task of removing him from my heart this is where prayer helped me. For you non-believers you can skip this portion. I kept praying that God take the yearning from my heart so it could heal and become healthly. My heart finally let go of him and I was able to think about the possibility of finding another relationship. My counselor would say ‘there is purpose in the pain.’ I decided it was my ex’s loss and I can’t make him love me. I had to keep saying to myself ‘you don’t get to be with me anymore.’
Now, I will admit in the beginning I was a basket case. I couldn’t believe that he had given up so quickly, but I didn’t know at that time he had given up years before. He just – didn’t tell me. He wanted me to find out so he didn’t have to tell me. Adultry is not about sex or romance, ultimately it is about how little we mean to one another. I thought I was the one who had given up years before and I was afraid of hurting his feelings. Imagine that. At least I would have left out of just wanting a better life, not that I had found another man. That was never a consideration - I was sad, downtrodden, who would want me? When I finally found out he had another woman and was leaving, I cried, I screamed, I was very angry (never in front of him, except the crying). I felt cheated, disappointed, fearful, stupid, ugly, hated, left behind. I could go on and on. I did not think clearly for months. I was in a daze, doing things automatically so I could cope with all that was happening. How could he leave the woman who had given him children, kept a home when he was gone for so many years, given up her life for his career? Where was my reward?
As I listened to the CDs I would feel better. I listened to them over and over. At bedtime, in the car, doing dishes, whenever I could. I didn’t have to write anything down all the time, just get the words into my head. I made posters of favorite statements and put them where I would see them often. I had to learn to capture the good thoughts and weed out the negative. The HOPESTEALERS© helped greatly and I still use them today. Instead of feeling like I would never be loved I had to think “I was loved before, I will be loved again.” My goal became being my best self, not love and marriage. If I am my best, then the best man will come into my life. I had to start valuing myself as a person. I had to ignore my ex’s behavior, not care where he might be (even though he lived very close by for a short time), concentrate on me. Life will get better, I will find someone to love me in a better way. The hurt will stop. Until then I am okay; I don’t have to have someone right now. I am not ready and I need to be at my best.
Growth comes through failure. I was not promised a perfect life. I had to do my best and screw the rest!! I can’t control what people do or say. Live and Learn, but Live! Like Auntie Mame (for you younger people, check out this classic movie with Rossaland Russell). There is a lot right with me and I will not believe what my ex says about me. I smiled when I didn’t feel like it. I had to counteract the negativity and for me this was a constant battle. Emotions aren’t reality. Regret is a wasted emotion. The real me is down there and I will battle out of the canyon of despair and come out whole.
After being raised in a strict, Christian home I needed to learn to relax. That is a big task for me. My children say I don’t know how to have fun but they don’t know everything about me either. But, they were right in some ways. I was too rigid, too ‘stuffy’ and needed to learn to breathe and be happy with myself. So I had to begin thinking about what I wanted my life to be about. Instead of listening the the tape in my head of my mother telling me what to do, I decided I would start listening more to my heart and my head to live my life. I had to tell myself constantly that I am a good person, not a flawed, nervous, ugly person. There are wonderful things about me and if someone finds them I need to accept them and not say to myself, “They only want something. They don’t mean it.” Now I refuse to seal myself off in a place of despair. I am choosing to believe that good things will happen to me. I stay with reality. I will make room in my heart for another. I won’t hurt forever. Within my grasp is the capacity to grow. It’s the beginning of a new life.
Courage is to feel the daily daggers of relentless steel and keep on living. ~Douglas Malloch
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Learning to THRIVE – Part 1 (16)
As far back as I can remember, I have not been a positive person. That was normal. For those that know me well, this comes as no great shock. For those new people that meet me would find it hard to believe I was such a negative person. Part of me believes that this is a “flaw” in my DNA not an attitude I would choose. The other part believes it is due to being raised in a strict household and having a distant father. After reading several articles, books, etc. it is important for a girl to have a loving father who thinks she is beautiful, wonderful, the best there ever was. I don’t mean anything weird here just the day to day normal interactions with parent and child. My dad was a blue collar worker at a refinery that worked shifts. That made it hard for him to participate in family events like birthdays, outings, holidays. I got used to him being gone since he slept in the day and worked at night and vice versa every two weeks. He didn’t interact much with me, I won’t speak for my sisters. I just remember a quiet, shadow of a father who sat in his chair when he was not sleeping or working. Emotionally distant. That didn’t help my self-esteem as a young girl or as I got older.
Then I marry a man who was gone physically most of our marriage. I didn’t realize I had married a man like my dad until I was seeing a counselor early in our marriage for depression. I was so upset when I realized that. I thought I had a man so different from dad. But no. My negativity and depression was something my ex could not understand or deal with. Once I knew this I was able to hide it and bury it deep inside. My ex became more emotionally distant at the last. I was used to that but hated it anyway. The years go by, children grew up, I am divorced, and now I am starting over. Hmmm, what to do? What do I want? Where do I want to go? Who am I?
When I was seeking a counselor for divorce survival I was blessed to find the best in town. He had been married a long time, divorced, we had similar experiences with the end of our marriages and we seem to hit it off at the first visit. That was two years ago. In my previous chapters, I have described his CD series and provided a link to the website so you can check them out for yourself. In this chapter I want to try to explain how much the series helped me in addition to talking to my counselor. I have spoken to him and have his permission to talk about his technique without giving names or being too specific.
I’ve talked about the HOPESTEALERS© . I still use them today so I don’t fall into the same traps. Each letter stands for the mind games your brain plays when you are in pain from the love loss and are desparate to survive. With my past history of negativism these played a big part in helping me train my brain to change the way I think about my life today. There are 24 chapters and you end up listening to some of them over and over. He is very positive and encouraging, you can’t help but feel better. You feel like someone is on your side, understands how you feel, is reading your mind and wants you to succeed and heal from the pain.
I remember the first day I walked into his office with my ex. I was so worn down and I think in shock. He had a big overstuffed couch and I sat down. I remember feeling so small, so insignificant- like I was 2 inches tall. And so sad. All I could do is cry. My ex sat at the other end of the couch unemotional and was just there for me, not to save our marriage. We would only go together that one time, he decided he wanted out and was in love with the other woman, so I continued on my own. I wanted to feel better and get on with starting over.
About the 3rd or 4th week, I am not sure, he talked about the CD series. I am a self-help reader so I was willing to give it a try. I printed off the workbook that comes with the series and was ready to GOWI©. I guess deep down I knew I was a splintered person and would help coming back together. I am a care taker type of person. During the marriage and my ex was in the military I took care of him making a home, children, ensuring his uniform was always cleaned and pressed. I was proud of him and felt it reflected on me if he didn’t look his best. Out of four daughters I was the one my mother relyed on the most for anything she needed. When she was in failing health I decided to take her up on her offer and moved in with my parents to care for them and their needs. I took care of my children and even though they are grown with families of their own, I can’t help but feel like they won’t survive if I don’t care for them. I would neglect myself to care for another family member. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn’t have any balance.
As I listened to the teachings I needed to give myself permission to care of me now. I had done my job as a mother and everyone survived and are onto their own path in life. Even though my ex didn’t want to continue even by himself I felt I had to or I would be buried alive in the pain and despair and that “what now?” feeling. I had to make a life for myself whether that included another man or not. For the first time in my life I was responsible for just me. I was not used to that feeling or thought. I’ve never cared for just me. How do I do that?
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living. ~Tom O'Connor
Then I marry a man who was gone physically most of our marriage. I didn’t realize I had married a man like my dad until I was seeing a counselor early in our marriage for depression. I was so upset when I realized that. I thought I had a man so different from dad. But no. My negativity and depression was something my ex could not understand or deal with. Once I knew this I was able to hide it and bury it deep inside. My ex became more emotionally distant at the last. I was used to that but hated it anyway. The years go by, children grew up, I am divorced, and now I am starting over. Hmmm, what to do? What do I want? Where do I want to go? Who am I?
When I was seeking a counselor for divorce survival I was blessed to find the best in town. He had been married a long time, divorced, we had similar experiences with the end of our marriages and we seem to hit it off at the first visit. That was two years ago. In my previous chapters, I have described his CD series and provided a link to the website so you can check them out for yourself. In this chapter I want to try to explain how much the series helped me in addition to talking to my counselor. I have spoken to him and have his permission to talk about his technique without giving names or being too specific.
I’ve talked about the HOPESTEALERS© . I still use them today so I don’t fall into the same traps. Each letter stands for the mind games your brain plays when you are in pain from the love loss and are desparate to survive. With my past history of negativism these played a big part in helping me train my brain to change the way I think about my life today. There are 24 chapters and you end up listening to some of them over and over. He is very positive and encouraging, you can’t help but feel better. You feel like someone is on your side, understands how you feel, is reading your mind and wants you to succeed and heal from the pain.
I remember the first day I walked into his office with my ex. I was so worn down and I think in shock. He had a big overstuffed couch and I sat down. I remember feeling so small, so insignificant- like I was 2 inches tall. And so sad. All I could do is cry. My ex sat at the other end of the couch unemotional and was just there for me, not to save our marriage. We would only go together that one time, he decided he wanted out and was in love with the other woman, so I continued on my own. I wanted to feel better and get on with starting over.
About the 3rd or 4th week, I am not sure, he talked about the CD series. I am a self-help reader so I was willing to give it a try. I printed off the workbook that comes with the series and was ready to GOWI©. I guess deep down I knew I was a splintered person and would help coming back together. I am a care taker type of person. During the marriage and my ex was in the military I took care of him making a home, children, ensuring his uniform was always cleaned and pressed. I was proud of him and felt it reflected on me if he didn’t look his best. Out of four daughters I was the one my mother relyed on the most for anything she needed. When she was in failing health I decided to take her up on her offer and moved in with my parents to care for them and their needs. I took care of my children and even though they are grown with families of their own, I can’t help but feel like they won’t survive if I don’t care for them. I would neglect myself to care for another family member. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn’t have any balance.
As I listened to the teachings I needed to give myself permission to care of me now. I had done my job as a mother and everyone survived and are onto their own path in life. Even though my ex didn’t want to continue even by himself I felt I had to or I would be buried alive in the pain and despair and that “what now?” feeling. I had to make a life for myself whether that included another man or not. For the first time in my life I was responsible for just me. I was not used to that feeling or thought. I’ve never cared for just me. How do I do that?
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living. ~Tom O'Connor
Friday, February 19, 2010
I Remember Mama (15)
After my ex left in January I actually felt better about us splitting up because at least we were both alone. He had gone to Florida to help his mother and had left the girlfriend in the dust. I concentrated on working at a job I was not happy with and what to do about the house. When 2/3 of your income walks out the door it is difficult to make ends meet. Then I had the ulcer attack and knew physically I had to do something. Then one day in February, I find out that my ex has decided to move back to town and take up with the girlfriend again. I didn't know it at the time but I felt like he had left me all over again.
When he left her I thought he had come to his senses. If he didn't want me at least he didn't want her either. She hadn't won after all. At the time I was just trying to maintain. As they days went by I guess something just snapped. That's when the life events took over and I fell apart.
Deciding to leave my house and go through another change was something that had to be done. I moved in with my parents around the first of March 2009. I was unable to work mentally, empty the house physically and deal with life in general. Once again my mother came to my rescue and took me back to the nest to recover. As I said before, the initial reason was for me to recover but it was also to help her with whatever she needed. I became errand runner, hairdresser, laundress, dishwasher and on occasion, cook.
My mother was the best cook ever but as the years took the toll on her knees and legs that was something she could no longer do very often. I don't remember much of those early days and weeks. I slept a lot because of the depression but I do remember mom in the back room with me and we are looking at new quilt magazines with the latest pattern or technique, I am wanting to work on a new project but don't have the energy. I like talking and dreaming with her about fabrics and patterns and what we would make. She would work on current projects as we watched the news, quilt show or in the evenings her favorite show was The Closer. She got me hooked on it.
She didn't get out of the house much, too painful to walk and she refused to get in a wheelchair even though we had one in the house available. She would go around the house pushing her "buggy". One of those four wheeled walker type carts that she could hang onto and walk through the house with ease. She was so funny, in the basket she kept her purse, a change of shoes, and usually the latest mail. It never left the house but she had her shoes and purse just in case.
Once a week my youngest daughter (who is a trained hair stylist) would come over and help her freshen up, wash and fix her hair. Usually no matter how bad she felt she wanted her hair washed and fixed. She loved seeing my daughter and having their time together. I know that was the bright day of her week. Mom loved all her children and grandchildren, etc. but this one was special. I guess it was because my daughter never got tired of being around her or impatient with mom due to her advanced age and stumbling feet. They would talk and talk, laugh and cry.
I never saw my mother leave the house without her makeup on and her hair done. She taught all her girls to feel the same way and to this day if I leave the house without makeup or my hair just right, I feel awful.
Spring arrives and we are planning on going to the nursery to pick out flowers and plants. Mom has to have the yard look just right and all colors about. The azaleas were frozen back the previous winter so no blooms this Spring. They should be removed from the yard but no one is strong enough to do it and it's too expensive to hire someone to do it for them.
We go to the local nursery and choose just the right ones for the front garden area. She decides to get some tomato plants for the back garden even though neither she or dad can go plant and tend to them as they require. She buys them anyway. It is a nice sunny day and she is feeling pretty good I think. She's exhausted when we get back but napping will help and she will recover.
The annual family reunion is approaching. First weekend in June in Mountain View, Arkansas. This is a big deal for my mom. She was the 9th child of 14 to be born in a small, now gone, little town nearby. She loved her family so the reunion is a big event. There are only three girls left. My mom, her sister in Dallas, and her sister in Michigan. Even though she has 4 closets of clothes she has to buy some new things for the trip. We will go the week before so we can have time to shop, visit with family and prepare for the auction. My mom always supplied a quilt to bring in the big money. She did a Postage Stamp this year and it is quilted and ready to go. She likes to take gifts for the women at the reunion.
A shopping trip is going to have to be planned. I could go for her but I insist she pick out the gifts personally so she will be happy with the choice. We decide to go to Pier 1, one of her favorites for a unique gift. I am the chauffeur and off we go. This is a Friday afternoon when I don't have the grandchildren to look after. Mom has her list and we are ready. Hair and makeup done and out the door.
She shops for several and I take the items to the counter as she goes around the store. Some items are alike to make it easy since some of the women are sisters. After having four girls she understands that fighting or jealousy can creep in if the gifts are different. So matching cups is best for some. A nice vase for the owner of the cabins where we will stay since she is a family friend.
We are treated like royalty and mom is big on showing her appreciation. We have a good time, she is feeling good and all is well. We finish the shopping, load the car, get dinner on the way home and she is back in her favorite pink chair.
The next day is Saturday and I had planned on going to a street festival with a girlfriend. I went on even though mom complained of not feeling well. I chalked it up to the shopping trip and how it usually took her two days to recover from being out and about. Off I go to have some girl time.
Later I go on the second date with a guy I met. We went to a movie and back home. He was not exactly my type but this dating thing was new and I was giving it a chance just in case it was just me. First date since marriage, first date since divorce. I come in and go about my business, say goodnight to mom and off to bed. It is late for me but she often stayed up past 2 or 3 am due to insomnia and then would sleep later in the morning. So leaving her and it late was not unusual.
Remember when I said I had prayed this year would be better than the last? I had no idea what was in store for me. I was to be tested again to see if I could survive another life event. This one would challenge the pain of divorce.
About midnight on this Saturday night I am awoken by my dad at the door. This is very unusual, he just didn't do that. He says mom is groaning and needs me. I jump up and run (and I don't run) to the living room. She is in her chair and says she can't move. She is terrible pain in her chest and can barely speak. Just moaning and groaning. I have been through her acute angina attacks before so I get a nito-glycerin tablet and an aspirin to see if that helps. I take her blood pressure, high but I am thinking the med will help and we will be okay. Well, the nitro does not help at all. Now my mother did not like to go to hospitals. She hated being away from her house, her bed, etc. So when she said, "call the ambulance" I knew something was really wrong and how I am going to handle this? I get dressed as I am calling the ambulance, call my sister that lives the closest to come down and try not to look worried and upset. I am in panic mode, shaking and pacing.
The ambulance arrives and in the army of care givers come to handle the patient. She can't say much except moan. She seems frustrated that no position is comfortable and that she can't stand up.
One of the EMTs talks to me about her meds, while the rest of the team are setting up their mobile equipment. They start putting on electrodes to get an EKG and they start trying to figure out what is happening. I notice that they have lifted her blouse and she is exposed but the pain is too great for her to notice or care. I very passively reach over and pull her blouse down to keep her dignity. She would be so embarrassed if she knew how she looked. The entry to the living area is too narrow, the downside of a house built in 1955 so they can't bring in the gurney.
They have to carry her out. How she would have hated that if she knew it. But she just wants the pain to go away. They get her on the gurney that is stationed in the driveway and roll it to the ambulance. Now the neighbors are out and wondering what is going on. I tell dad to get dressed so we can go to the hospital but he is in shock and doesn't hear me say it until about the 4th or 5th time. I gather up some things that might be needed (this is not our first trip to the hospital) and prepare to get there maybe before they do.
As I wait to leave, I call the remaining sisters and my children to let them know we are going. It is after midnight of course, the time that major health events seem to occur. I reach everyone except my oldest child. She is asleep and has a noisemaker in her room so she can't hear the phone ring. But at this time I don't know why she doesn't answer. I am planning on bringing my mom back home so I can tell her later of the event.
We arrive at the hospital and once they have her IV'd and ready we are allowed to see her. We take turns since the ER is limited to how many can be with her. There are quite a few of us. My sisters, their husbands, two of my children, son in law, niece & her husband and two children. We are trusting the ER doctor to care for mom and do their best. The moaning doesn't stop. Nothing makes her comfortable. No position, no words, no back rub, nothing. We hate seeing her in pain and there seems to be no remedy. They decide to give her morphine but her blood pressure drops and they stop. So she lays there in pain, relieved for a very short time by the medicine and then back to moaning. We are told it could be pneumonia but I don't know if it would cause that much pain. We aren't getting much information from the doctor and we are afraid to ask the big question especially with my dad standing right there. So I push it out of my mind even though we are all thinking it. It rolls around in my head. Is she dying?
No, there is something else going on. They will figure it out. She was fine yesterday, she will be fine tomorrow. They tell us they are preparing a room for her and want to run another test or two. Everyone thinks she will be okay, she's going to a room so after about 3 hours, everyone goes home - except dad and I.
Mom asks me to rub her back. Of course I will, I want her comfortable and out of pain. She rolls around and back and forth but can't get comfortable. The bed is raised and lowered. New pillow. No pillow. She has scooted to the foot of the bed and needs to be moved up. I notice her feet are exposed and she always has cold feet, so I go to cover them. My dad get up and we are planning on pulling her up to the pillow. Just as I start to go to her side and help she suddenly sat up and said, "Oh!" and laid back down. I called to her. But her eyes were blank. She was gone just that fast. In the blink of an eye. Her face changed so fast. My mother usually had a smile on her face, even on a painful day. She was so open and loving - it always showed in her eyes. She loved her family and brightened up whenever anyone was to visit. She made you feel important if you were talking to her and she always liked to discuss the current events of the day. But, her eyes are blank, not scary just dim and frozen. I know she has left us with no warning.
I run to get the doctor but he is meeting me since I am sure he could see the heart monitor. They lay the bed down flat and as I am being escorted out of the room, I look back and see them doing CPR. I am praying she will come back to us but I know in my heart she is gone. Now to call everyone back. The hardest call to make.
I don't want to say - mom died - so I say she isn't doing well. But I am sure by my voice each of them knew it was over. Everyone arrives back to the waiting area and we are all sobbing and wondering what happened. The ER doctor comes in and says we can go see her now. As I walk around the corner and see her lying there she is without her teeth. That would mortify my mother if anyone saw her that way. I ask the nurse to put them in before we all come in. She does and now she looks like herself. She is peaceful and looks like she is sleeping. I can't believe I am standing next to my mom who has left us here without hearing her voice, her wonderful laugh, her gentle touch. I stroke her hair and tell her I love her. That I will miss her so much and what will I do without her.
I am feeling very selfish and cheated. I didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair. I want my mother back. But that is not possible. She is with her mother and her brothers and sisters that she loved and missed so much. She is out of pain and I am only sad for myself. But at this moment I am angry and so, so, so sad. I can't believe that all happened in about 5 hours. If we had been told they were waiting for her to die, we would've said different things. Been able to say goodbye. The only person missing is my daughter with the noisy bedroom. I send my son-in law and daughter to go get her. She comes in the room but won't get near her grandmother. She is still angry she didn't get to say I love you and I will miss you. But that can't be reversed, we must move forward.
So now decisions will be made and we will all walk in the trance of disbelief. The funeral home shows up to take her away. I don't want to leave her. They don't know how to take care of her. I have an emptiness in my heart. How will I get through this? I am experiencing major life events in a very short amount of time. A divorce, loss of a home, loss of a job, and death of a parent. I need to see my counselor, my pastor, my friends. But first, we see the funeral home and try decide how to honor our mother as we go on without her.
My mom lost her mother when I was an infant so that is more than 50 years ago. One thing my mother always said was, "you never get over losing your mother." She was right about that. I know that I have to move on, live on and accept it. But I know on this day - May 17, 2009, I lost my mother and that will be with me forever. I will never get over losing my mother. But I will honor her by not being too sad for me. I am thankful that I was her daughter. That I got to know her, love her, help her, be here for her. She was my friend, my confidant, my teacher, my nurse, but best of all, she was my mother. So with love, thankfulness, laughter and tears - I remember mama.
I cannot forget my mother. She is my bridge. When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely. ~Renita Weems
When he left her I thought he had come to his senses. If he didn't want me at least he didn't want her either. She hadn't won after all. At the time I was just trying to maintain. As they days went by I guess something just snapped. That's when the life events took over and I fell apart.
Deciding to leave my house and go through another change was something that had to be done. I moved in with my parents around the first of March 2009. I was unable to work mentally, empty the house physically and deal with life in general. Once again my mother came to my rescue and took me back to the nest to recover. As I said before, the initial reason was for me to recover but it was also to help her with whatever she needed. I became errand runner, hairdresser, laundress, dishwasher and on occasion, cook.
My mother was the best cook ever but as the years took the toll on her knees and legs that was something she could no longer do very often. I don't remember much of those early days and weeks. I slept a lot because of the depression but I do remember mom in the back room with me and we are looking at new quilt magazines with the latest pattern or technique, I am wanting to work on a new project but don't have the energy. I like talking and dreaming with her about fabrics and patterns and what we would make. She would work on current projects as we watched the news, quilt show or in the evenings her favorite show was The Closer. She got me hooked on it.
She didn't get out of the house much, too painful to walk and she refused to get in a wheelchair even though we had one in the house available. She would go around the house pushing her "buggy". One of those four wheeled walker type carts that she could hang onto and walk through the house with ease. She was so funny, in the basket she kept her purse, a change of shoes, and usually the latest mail. It never left the house but she had her shoes and purse just in case.
Once a week my youngest daughter (who is a trained hair stylist) would come over and help her freshen up, wash and fix her hair. Usually no matter how bad she felt she wanted her hair washed and fixed. She loved seeing my daughter and having their time together. I know that was the bright day of her week. Mom loved all her children and grandchildren, etc. but this one was special. I guess it was because my daughter never got tired of being around her or impatient with mom due to her advanced age and stumbling feet. They would talk and talk, laugh and cry.
I never saw my mother leave the house without her makeup on and her hair done. She taught all her girls to feel the same way and to this day if I leave the house without makeup or my hair just right, I feel awful.
Spring arrives and we are planning on going to the nursery to pick out flowers and plants. Mom has to have the yard look just right and all colors about. The azaleas were frozen back the previous winter so no blooms this Spring. They should be removed from the yard but no one is strong enough to do it and it's too expensive to hire someone to do it for them.
We go to the local nursery and choose just the right ones for the front garden area. She decides to get some tomato plants for the back garden even though neither she or dad can go plant and tend to them as they require. She buys them anyway. It is a nice sunny day and she is feeling pretty good I think. She's exhausted when we get back but napping will help and she will recover.
The annual family reunion is approaching. First weekend in June in Mountain View, Arkansas. This is a big deal for my mom. She was the 9th child of 14 to be born in a small, now gone, little town nearby. She loved her family so the reunion is a big event. There are only three girls left. My mom, her sister in Dallas, and her sister in Michigan. Even though she has 4 closets of clothes she has to buy some new things for the trip. We will go the week before so we can have time to shop, visit with family and prepare for the auction. My mom always supplied a quilt to bring in the big money. She did a Postage Stamp this year and it is quilted and ready to go. She likes to take gifts for the women at the reunion.
A shopping trip is going to have to be planned. I could go for her but I insist she pick out the gifts personally so she will be happy with the choice. We decide to go to Pier 1, one of her favorites for a unique gift. I am the chauffeur and off we go. This is a Friday afternoon when I don't have the grandchildren to look after. Mom has her list and we are ready. Hair and makeup done and out the door.
She shops for several and I take the items to the counter as she goes around the store. Some items are alike to make it easy since some of the women are sisters. After having four girls she understands that fighting or jealousy can creep in if the gifts are different. So matching cups is best for some. A nice vase for the owner of the cabins where we will stay since she is a family friend.
We are treated like royalty and mom is big on showing her appreciation. We have a good time, she is feeling good and all is well. We finish the shopping, load the car, get dinner on the way home and she is back in her favorite pink chair.
The next day is Saturday and I had planned on going to a street festival with a girlfriend. I went on even though mom complained of not feeling well. I chalked it up to the shopping trip and how it usually took her two days to recover from being out and about. Off I go to have some girl time.
Later I go on the second date with a guy I met. We went to a movie and back home. He was not exactly my type but this dating thing was new and I was giving it a chance just in case it was just me. First date since marriage, first date since divorce. I come in and go about my business, say goodnight to mom and off to bed. It is late for me but she often stayed up past 2 or 3 am due to insomnia and then would sleep later in the morning. So leaving her and it late was not unusual.
Remember when I said I had prayed this year would be better than the last? I had no idea what was in store for me. I was to be tested again to see if I could survive another life event. This one would challenge the pain of divorce.
About midnight on this Saturday night I am awoken by my dad at the door. This is very unusual, he just didn't do that. He says mom is groaning and needs me. I jump up and run (and I don't run) to the living room. She is in her chair and says she can't move. She is terrible pain in her chest and can barely speak. Just moaning and groaning. I have been through her acute angina attacks before so I get a nito-glycerin tablet and an aspirin to see if that helps. I take her blood pressure, high but I am thinking the med will help and we will be okay. Well, the nitro does not help at all. Now my mother did not like to go to hospitals. She hated being away from her house, her bed, etc. So when she said, "call the ambulance" I knew something was really wrong and how I am going to handle this? I get dressed as I am calling the ambulance, call my sister that lives the closest to come down and try not to look worried and upset. I am in panic mode, shaking and pacing.
The ambulance arrives and in the army of care givers come to handle the patient. She can't say much except moan. She seems frustrated that no position is comfortable and that she can't stand up.
One of the EMTs talks to me about her meds, while the rest of the team are setting up their mobile equipment. They start putting on electrodes to get an EKG and they start trying to figure out what is happening. I notice that they have lifted her blouse and she is exposed but the pain is too great for her to notice or care. I very passively reach over and pull her blouse down to keep her dignity. She would be so embarrassed if she knew how she looked. The entry to the living area is too narrow, the downside of a house built in 1955 so they can't bring in the gurney.
They have to carry her out. How she would have hated that if she knew it. But she just wants the pain to go away. They get her on the gurney that is stationed in the driveway and roll it to the ambulance. Now the neighbors are out and wondering what is going on. I tell dad to get dressed so we can go to the hospital but he is in shock and doesn't hear me say it until about the 4th or 5th time. I gather up some things that might be needed (this is not our first trip to the hospital) and prepare to get there maybe before they do.
As I wait to leave, I call the remaining sisters and my children to let them know we are going. It is after midnight of course, the time that major health events seem to occur. I reach everyone except my oldest child. She is asleep and has a noisemaker in her room so she can't hear the phone ring. But at this time I don't know why she doesn't answer. I am planning on bringing my mom back home so I can tell her later of the event.
We arrive at the hospital and once they have her IV'd and ready we are allowed to see her. We take turns since the ER is limited to how many can be with her. There are quite a few of us. My sisters, their husbands, two of my children, son in law, niece & her husband and two children. We are trusting the ER doctor to care for mom and do their best. The moaning doesn't stop. Nothing makes her comfortable. No position, no words, no back rub, nothing. We hate seeing her in pain and there seems to be no remedy. They decide to give her morphine but her blood pressure drops and they stop. So she lays there in pain, relieved for a very short time by the medicine and then back to moaning. We are told it could be pneumonia but I don't know if it would cause that much pain. We aren't getting much information from the doctor and we are afraid to ask the big question especially with my dad standing right there. So I push it out of my mind even though we are all thinking it. It rolls around in my head. Is she dying?
No, there is something else going on. They will figure it out. She was fine yesterday, she will be fine tomorrow. They tell us they are preparing a room for her and want to run another test or two. Everyone thinks she will be okay, she's going to a room so after about 3 hours, everyone goes home - except dad and I.
Mom asks me to rub her back. Of course I will, I want her comfortable and out of pain. She rolls around and back and forth but can't get comfortable. The bed is raised and lowered. New pillow. No pillow. She has scooted to the foot of the bed and needs to be moved up. I notice her feet are exposed and she always has cold feet, so I go to cover them. My dad get up and we are planning on pulling her up to the pillow. Just as I start to go to her side and help she suddenly sat up and said, "Oh!" and laid back down. I called to her. But her eyes were blank. She was gone just that fast. In the blink of an eye. Her face changed so fast. My mother usually had a smile on her face, even on a painful day. She was so open and loving - it always showed in her eyes. She loved her family and brightened up whenever anyone was to visit. She made you feel important if you were talking to her and she always liked to discuss the current events of the day. But, her eyes are blank, not scary just dim and frozen. I know she has left us with no warning.
I run to get the doctor but he is meeting me since I am sure he could see the heart monitor. They lay the bed down flat and as I am being escorted out of the room, I look back and see them doing CPR. I am praying she will come back to us but I know in my heart she is gone. Now to call everyone back. The hardest call to make.
I don't want to say - mom died - so I say she isn't doing well. But I am sure by my voice each of them knew it was over. Everyone arrives back to the waiting area and we are all sobbing and wondering what happened. The ER doctor comes in and says we can go see her now. As I walk around the corner and see her lying there she is without her teeth. That would mortify my mother if anyone saw her that way. I ask the nurse to put them in before we all come in. She does and now she looks like herself. She is peaceful and looks like she is sleeping. I can't believe I am standing next to my mom who has left us here without hearing her voice, her wonderful laugh, her gentle touch. I stroke her hair and tell her I love her. That I will miss her so much and what will I do without her.
I am feeling very selfish and cheated. I didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair. I want my mother back. But that is not possible. She is with her mother and her brothers and sisters that she loved and missed so much. She is out of pain and I am only sad for myself. But at this moment I am angry and so, so, so sad. I can't believe that all happened in about 5 hours. If we had been told they were waiting for her to die, we would've said different things. Been able to say goodbye. The only person missing is my daughter with the noisy bedroom. I send my son-in law and daughter to go get her. She comes in the room but won't get near her grandmother. She is still angry she didn't get to say I love you and I will miss you. But that can't be reversed, we must move forward.
So now decisions will be made and we will all walk in the trance of disbelief. The funeral home shows up to take her away. I don't want to leave her. They don't know how to take care of her. I have an emptiness in my heart. How will I get through this? I am experiencing major life events in a very short amount of time. A divorce, loss of a home, loss of a job, and death of a parent. I need to see my counselor, my pastor, my friends. But first, we see the funeral home and try decide how to honor our mother as we go on without her.
My mom lost her mother when I was an infant so that is more than 50 years ago. One thing my mother always said was, "you never get over losing your mother." She was right about that. I know that I have to move on, live on and accept it. But I know on this day - May 17, 2009, I lost my mother and that will be with me forever. I will never get over losing my mother. But I will honor her by not being too sad for me. I am thankful that I was her daughter. That I got to know her, love her, help her, be here for her. She was my friend, my confidant, my teacher, my nurse, but best of all, she was my mother. So with love, thankfulness, laughter and tears - I remember mama.
I cannot forget my mother. She is my bridge. When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely. ~Renita Weems
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Side Trip (14)
Alone again, naturally. I have decided to get out of the house. I love my home. It was the home I helped design and we were the first owners. I think back. A year ago, we started putting down wood flooring that I had wanted for years. Now it is half done in the living room and bare concrete from where the carpet had been ripped out. We did a spare room for practice and that turned out really well. He wanted it for the computer and TV where he could watch his sports in the comfort of his recliner. We decided to paint the room in the favorite team colors. I did most of the painting since he did the floors. I put all the team memorabilia in the room. It looked great. Now it is just a reminder of another mistake. When he left for the last time last March I asked him why we spent the money ($6k+) on new floors and paint? He said he knew I always wanted the wood floors. But, just like a lot of things in our marriage he left with it half done. My sons-in laws finished the living room for me. The other spare room and hallway were never done. I left the spare parts lying in the room and tried to let it all go.
The stress of the house and working a job I hated was building up inside. I was increasingly depressed and not feeling well enough to go to work. Then one night, I am awakened by the most horrible pain in my stomach. I thought I was on fire or trying to explode. Struggling to get up I make it to the spare room where my daughter is. I ask her to call the doctor and tell her how I feel. The doctor on call says go to the hospital. So off we go. Why do you get sick in the night? Why after midnight and a weekend? But, we get to the ER and I almost crawl in. I can’t stand up straight and it is hard to speak. After a shot for the pain and interview I am given a room and try to relax. They decide to keep me and start testing for the usual suspects. Of course the first thing is NO FOOD, not even water. I beg for ice chips.
After several tests, including the nuclear that are way too costly they can’t get a decision. By this time my doctor has come to see me. She remembers me telling her “no more gut tests” (translation: I had two back to back colonoscopies, along with two EDG's - camera down the throat- and recently I swallowed a capsule with a camera to take photos of my small intestines, so what's left to see?). So she says since all the organs that would cause this trouble are okay, she will treat as my ulcer has come back with a vengeance - gee I can't imagine why. Increase dosage or try another type. After four days I am sent home. What a nightmare. But the hospital was nice and everyone treated me very well. It was better than being at work which I hated.
Not only did I endure pain, not being at home, and not eating until day four, I missed attending my dear mother’s 90th birthday. I was so upset that day I cried. I begged to be released long enough to attend and I would be right back but no chance. I didn’t realize I could’ve gotten up and walked out but I wouldn’t have been able to get the IV tower in the car, so I guess I had to stay. Finally home. I feel terrible still – my guts just won’t let me alone. I see the doctor a few days later. She changes the meds and we talk about my so called life. She tells me to find a happy place.
Now at this point I am super duper depressed about my life. I am not seeing my counselor right now and just feel so awful. I find myself staying in bed not going to work, not eating, sleeping too much, no interest in doing anything. Is this what it is to have an emotional breakdown? I don’t know, don’t care. What to do? My youngest daughter comes to check on me a couple of days in a row. By the end of the week she is back to tell me I have to do something. She insists on taking me down to my mom’s house. We go in and my mother is glad to see us. She’s wondering why I am not at work, what’s going on? My daughter does all the talking and tells my mom that I am not capable of working and can’t stay at the house. She asked my mom if I can come live with them for awhile until I figure out what to do. My mom says ‘of course’. She is not in good health and could use some help around the house. My dad says nothing.
Somewhere in there I see my doctor again and I am very agitated and in tears. She tells me I must do something to change my life. I am also having panic attacks in the mornings. Of course there is medication for my panic and depression so another med. I don’t like to be medicated but I am so down I can’t function. It will be temporary. She reminds me I have been through life altering events. Divorce, losing my house, a job I dislike. She asks if I am able to quit the job and not work for awhile. I think so, I need to. So, the next day I muster up my courage and off to work I go armed with a resignation letter. I liked my supervisor but I had never been treated fairly so I wanted to leave. Of course they are surprised. I felt badly, I hated walking out without notice but I can feel my mind slipping away. I feel so empty and wrung out.
So, I move back into the bedroom I grew up in. Of course there was some furniture moving around and changes for my parents. Mom gave up some of her private space for me. But being the loving, wonderful mother she was – she did anything for her children. She knew I was in pain and wanted to do all she could for me. She babied me for the first couple of weeks, then she encouraged me the next couple and then she would come and say I needed to get to doing something. My daughter at this time was trying to work part time so I babysit the grandsons. That gave me a reason to get up in the morning. When my daughter and my neighbor were available and truck ready we would go to my house and bring stuff down to store. I had to empty a four bedroom house of 15 yrs of memories.
A bigger job than I ever imagined. I was so sad to have to leave I would become paralyzed. I just couldn’t focus, couldn’t lift anything. If it hadn’t been for them and later my Sunday school classmates I would have never gotten it done. I donated a lot and threw away more. Another group from church and some family members painted the outside for me. It went from an awful Smurf blue to a pretty sandy cream. They finally covered the fire damaged area - the cause still a mystery.
Spring arrives and the sun is shining more. I love the flowers blooming and seeing the grass turn green. I just don’t like winter; it is too bare and colorless. My mother loves flowers too. The yard always looked great with all the petunias, pansies (her fav) and potted geraniums on the porch. One day we are in the yard planting a new hydrangea. She sits on the bench in the yard directing my dad where to dig the hole and then I will set the plant. I think about how hard it is for her to get around. She so desperately wants to do it herself but can’t get on the ground, she would never get up. Her knees are bad and she stubbles as she crosses the yard. She wants things cleaned up but neither of them can do that kind of work anymore. Age has caught up with her and I know I must enjoy every moment.
[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. ~Emily Dickinson
The stress of the house and working a job I hated was building up inside. I was increasingly depressed and not feeling well enough to go to work. Then one night, I am awakened by the most horrible pain in my stomach. I thought I was on fire or trying to explode. Struggling to get up I make it to the spare room where my daughter is. I ask her to call the doctor and tell her how I feel. The doctor on call says go to the hospital. So off we go. Why do you get sick in the night? Why after midnight and a weekend? But, we get to the ER and I almost crawl in. I can’t stand up straight and it is hard to speak. After a shot for the pain and interview I am given a room and try to relax. They decide to keep me and start testing for the usual suspects. Of course the first thing is NO FOOD, not even water. I beg for ice chips.
After several tests, including the nuclear that are way too costly they can’t get a decision. By this time my doctor has come to see me. She remembers me telling her “no more gut tests” (translation: I had two back to back colonoscopies, along with two EDG's - camera down the throat- and recently I swallowed a capsule with a camera to take photos of my small intestines, so what's left to see?). So she says since all the organs that would cause this trouble are okay, she will treat as my ulcer has come back with a vengeance - gee I can't imagine why. Increase dosage or try another type. After four days I am sent home. What a nightmare. But the hospital was nice and everyone treated me very well. It was better than being at work which I hated.
Not only did I endure pain, not being at home, and not eating until day four, I missed attending my dear mother’s 90th birthday. I was so upset that day I cried. I begged to be released long enough to attend and I would be right back but no chance. I didn’t realize I could’ve gotten up and walked out but I wouldn’t have been able to get the IV tower in the car, so I guess I had to stay. Finally home. I feel terrible still – my guts just won’t let me alone. I see the doctor a few days later. She changes the meds and we talk about my so called life. She tells me to find a happy place.
Now at this point I am super duper depressed about my life. I am not seeing my counselor right now and just feel so awful. I find myself staying in bed not going to work, not eating, sleeping too much, no interest in doing anything. Is this what it is to have an emotional breakdown? I don’t know, don’t care. What to do? My youngest daughter comes to check on me a couple of days in a row. By the end of the week she is back to tell me I have to do something. She insists on taking me down to my mom’s house. We go in and my mother is glad to see us. She’s wondering why I am not at work, what’s going on? My daughter does all the talking and tells my mom that I am not capable of working and can’t stay at the house. She asked my mom if I can come live with them for awhile until I figure out what to do. My mom says ‘of course’. She is not in good health and could use some help around the house. My dad says nothing.
Somewhere in there I see my doctor again and I am very agitated and in tears. She tells me I must do something to change my life. I am also having panic attacks in the mornings. Of course there is medication for my panic and depression so another med. I don’t like to be medicated but I am so down I can’t function. It will be temporary. She reminds me I have been through life altering events. Divorce, losing my house, a job I dislike. She asks if I am able to quit the job and not work for awhile. I think so, I need to. So, the next day I muster up my courage and off to work I go armed with a resignation letter. I liked my supervisor but I had never been treated fairly so I wanted to leave. Of course they are surprised. I felt badly, I hated walking out without notice but I can feel my mind slipping away. I feel so empty and wrung out.
So, I move back into the bedroom I grew up in. Of course there was some furniture moving around and changes for my parents. Mom gave up some of her private space for me. But being the loving, wonderful mother she was – she did anything for her children. She knew I was in pain and wanted to do all she could for me. She babied me for the first couple of weeks, then she encouraged me the next couple and then she would come and say I needed to get to doing something. My daughter at this time was trying to work part time so I babysit the grandsons. That gave me a reason to get up in the morning. When my daughter and my neighbor were available and truck ready we would go to my house and bring stuff down to store. I had to empty a four bedroom house of 15 yrs of memories.
A bigger job than I ever imagined. I was so sad to have to leave I would become paralyzed. I just couldn’t focus, couldn’t lift anything. If it hadn’t been for them and later my Sunday school classmates I would have never gotten it done. I donated a lot and threw away more. Another group from church and some family members painted the outside for me. It went from an awful Smurf blue to a pretty sandy cream. They finally covered the fire damaged area - the cause still a mystery.
Spring arrives and the sun is shining more. I love the flowers blooming and seeing the grass turn green. I just don’t like winter; it is too bare and colorless. My mother loves flowers too. The yard always looked great with all the petunias, pansies (her fav) and potted geraniums on the porch. One day we are in the yard planting a new hydrangea. She sits on the bench in the yard directing my dad where to dig the hole and then I will set the plant. I think about how hard it is for her to get around. She so desperately wants to do it herself but can’t get on the ground, she would never get up. Her knees are bad and she stubbles as she crosses the yard. She wants things cleaned up but neither of them can do that kind of work anymore. Age has caught up with her and I know I must enjoy every moment.
[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. ~Emily Dickinson
Monday, February 15, 2010
A New Year (13)
The first Christmas as a family divided was the most difficult of my life. I don't care about putting up a tree or decorations. I was so terribly lonely on Christmas morning. No hussle and bussle of cooking and kids coming in and unwrapping presents. After a bit I go down to my mom's to see the rest of my family. I am so depressed and feel so isolated that I just can't get the spirit going. I go in the back and call my favorite male cousin who I am very close to. (not that type of close) He has gone through a divorce and has been helping me cope and lets me cry and complain about it all. He helps me get through the rest of the afternoon. My youngest child comes in with her husband. I know she went to see her dad first. That hurt. I felt she was choosing him over me. But looking back it was unfair to her for me to feel that way. She had a hard choice and made the best one she could. I have to stop thinking it is all about me. My children are in pain too. Divorce affects everyone. It is a huge elephant in the room and no one wants to talk about it. There is nothing to say, it will never be the same.
The calendar has turned to 2009. I'm glad the previous year is over. Maybe this one will be better. That is my prayer. I am still having to figure out how to get out the house. I know I need to start cleaning out extra stuff and things I can't keep but I just don't know where to begin. I am still struggling with moving forward. I look at my HOPESTEALERS(c) my counselor created. Which one fits? P for predicting the future? I do that all the time. S for should statements? Should I keep the house? If only I could've..... A for Acentuating the negative? But of course.
I don't contact my ex - he doesn't contact me so we are okay not talking. For me it keeps all the emotions stirred up if I do. I am so glad I don't have young children that we would have to move back and forth between households. I don't see how other mothers do that.
One day, early in January, I get a call from him. He wants to come to the house with our daughter. I am trying to be the Christian I have always tried to be so I say, of course. I try not to remember all those terrible things he said to me and about me before the divorce and how he doesn't want to help me keep the house. He comes in the door, and it feels strange. He's not a member of my family anymore. Is he a guest? What a wierd feeling. He tells me he is moving to Florida to help his mother.
He and the girlfriend broke up and he is staying with our daughter while waiting for enough money to move. The woman has a gambling problem and has spent all his money, even his retirement savings. He is leaving a good job he has had for 10 yrs and going with just the stuff in his truck. I am secretly glad he has left the woman. Maybe he is coming back to his senses. Funny, I kinda feel sorry for him. Part of me wants him to say he made a mistake, he loves me and wants to come back and work on our marriage. Boy, what a fantasy. A fairytale in my head. He walks around the house - that used to be his house - nervous to see me. There isn't much to say. What's to say? I have to accept the fact that he doesn't love me. He has made his choice and it's not me. I want both of us happy. I decide I can't be angry at him forever. That only hurts me.
We have dinner as a family once again and play a board game. We laugh and tease each other like we used to. We all act as if we are whole again. Before he left I pulled him aside and asked if I could talk to him alone one more time. I tell him I don't want to be enemies. He is the father of my children and I need to be able to reach him anytime I need to when it concerns the children. I don't want him to disappear and not let someone know where he is located. I tell him I accept that we don't love each other anymore. I wonder if he regrets not working on saving our marriage but deep down I know it was unsaveable. It was time for it to die.
He leaves in the early afternoon to head out of town. His truck is packed tight. He barely hugs the girls as he leaves. Why isn't he more affectionate with them? All a child wants from their parent is to be loved and accepted. I give him a hug as he is going out the door but he doesn't hug back. I watch as he drives out of the driveway and down the street knowing this could be the last time I ever see him. He is leaving my life. This is one of those moments you remember all your life. I am crying a little. I think to myself - I will be okay - I am getting stronger and God has a great plan for me.
I remember my counselor telling me I would know when I would begin to heal from the divorce. When I could tell him it was okay he didn't love me and I was strong enough to let him go. I feel stronger after this encounter. I survived it. It didn't kill me. I am thinking of the movie "The Way We Were". The ending scene when Katie sees Hubble across the street. They greet each other and talk for a moment. You know they are thinking as they look as each other - how they might still love each other but can't be together. They aren't their best selves when they are together. That is my goal. To be my best self. I love my ex because he is the father of my wonderful children but I don't love him enough to give myself away again, beg him to love me and not be my best self. I think I have done enough of that. I've stopped dying for him and now I am living for me.
I will never again beg a man to love me.
Look for joy in difficult times. Look beyond the pain and find purpose for your struggle.
The calendar has turned to 2009. I'm glad the previous year is over. Maybe this one will be better. That is my prayer. I am still having to figure out how to get out the house. I know I need to start cleaning out extra stuff and things I can't keep but I just don't know where to begin. I am still struggling with moving forward. I look at my HOPESTEALERS(c) my counselor created. Which one fits? P for predicting the future? I do that all the time. S for should statements? Should I keep the house? If only I could've..... A for Acentuating the negative? But of course.
I don't contact my ex - he doesn't contact me so we are okay not talking. For me it keeps all the emotions stirred up if I do. I am so glad I don't have young children that we would have to move back and forth between households. I don't see how other mothers do that.
One day, early in January, I get a call from him. He wants to come to the house with our daughter. I am trying to be the Christian I have always tried to be so I say, of course. I try not to remember all those terrible things he said to me and about me before the divorce and how he doesn't want to help me keep the house. He comes in the door, and it feels strange. He's not a member of my family anymore. Is he a guest? What a wierd feeling. He tells me he is moving to Florida to help his mother.
He and the girlfriend broke up and he is staying with our daughter while waiting for enough money to move. The woman has a gambling problem and has spent all his money, even his retirement savings. He is leaving a good job he has had for 10 yrs and going with just the stuff in his truck. I am secretly glad he has left the woman. Maybe he is coming back to his senses. Funny, I kinda feel sorry for him. Part of me wants him to say he made a mistake, he loves me and wants to come back and work on our marriage. Boy, what a fantasy. A fairytale in my head. He walks around the house - that used to be his house - nervous to see me. There isn't much to say. What's to say? I have to accept the fact that he doesn't love me. He has made his choice and it's not me. I want both of us happy. I decide I can't be angry at him forever. That only hurts me.
We have dinner as a family once again and play a board game. We laugh and tease each other like we used to. We all act as if we are whole again. Before he left I pulled him aside and asked if I could talk to him alone one more time. I tell him I don't want to be enemies. He is the father of my children and I need to be able to reach him anytime I need to when it concerns the children. I don't want him to disappear and not let someone know where he is located. I tell him I accept that we don't love each other anymore. I wonder if he regrets not working on saving our marriage but deep down I know it was unsaveable. It was time for it to die.
He leaves in the early afternoon to head out of town. His truck is packed tight. He barely hugs the girls as he leaves. Why isn't he more affectionate with them? All a child wants from their parent is to be loved and accepted. I give him a hug as he is going out the door but he doesn't hug back. I watch as he drives out of the driveway and down the street knowing this could be the last time I ever see him. He is leaving my life. This is one of those moments you remember all your life. I am crying a little. I think to myself - I will be okay - I am getting stronger and God has a great plan for me.
I remember my counselor telling me I would know when I would begin to heal from the divorce. When I could tell him it was okay he didn't love me and I was strong enough to let him go. I feel stronger after this encounter. I survived it. It didn't kill me. I am thinking of the movie "The Way We Were". The ending scene when Katie sees Hubble across the street. They greet each other and talk for a moment. You know they are thinking as they look as each other - how they might still love each other but can't be together. They aren't their best selves when they are together. That is my goal. To be my best self. I love my ex because he is the father of my wonderful children but I don't love him enough to give myself away again, beg him to love me and not be my best self. I think I have done enough of that. I've stopped dying for him and now I am living for me.
I will never again beg a man to love me.
Look for joy in difficult times. Look beyond the pain and find purpose for your struggle.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Waltz (12)
It is July 2008 - last night of my dance class. I am sad when it is over and I walk out for the last time. I cry as I sit in my car. I will really miss this. What a great experience. I really needed to know I was good at something during this time of my life. My instructor was so great, and I felt excited, happy, free, and for a little while during the lessons I wasn't sad or lonely.
I am job hunting. In the midst of all this pain - looking for a job is a hard thing to do. I have to put on a mask everytime I meet with someone. I can't let them see how down I am, how lost, how devastated. I am working with a couple of temp agencies so they do most of the leg work.
Oh, I got to talk to my dear friend in Australia today. We have been friends for more than 15 years. Haven't seen each other in almost that length of time but twice a year we talk on the phone. Now with Facebook we can talk easily and quickly. The internet can be a wonderful thing. Her mother has died suddenly. She lived in Florida so my friend has to fly there for the services. We talk about how much we love our mothers, marriage, kids, my divorce and life in general. She is sympathetic to my issues in the middle of her own pain.
It is time for my to buy myself a new car. I got a good, used car but it is new to me. Fuel efficiency is priority one. It is red, and just fits me. Mom has a consult with a kidney specialist. She is not doing well but he is nice and she likes him. He adjusts her meds and that helps. When did she get to be so frail? She is the strongest woman I know and now I see her declining right before my eyes.
I still see my counselor weekly. He is such a life saver. I think I can make it without talking to him and then something happens and I am so glad to be there talking to him. I can tell him anything and he is my friend. He tries to guide me to talk about intimate details of my marriage but I am not ready to talk about that. I didn't date much and my ex was more experienced than me. I never was very comfortable and that's all I will say on that subject. But I am wanting to meet someone new and I want to date (I think) but I am nervous. I am out of practice and insecure.
It is August and I quit my current position. I've had interviews but nothing yet. My counselor is helping me brainstorm to try and find my passion. Something that drives me. I love to sew and do crafts but there is no money in that. And I don't even have enough energy to go into my sewing room much less be creative.
Fast forward to October. I decide to try EHarmony and do an internet dating experiement. I fix up my profile, post a photo and wait. I am also attending the Thrive support group. My counselor wants me to be around other divorced people. I feel out of place but I make a friend. She is from Louisiana and just separated from her husband. We hit it off right away and are still friends today. So far, there isn't anyone in the group that seems to be interested in me or me in anyone else. But I take it one day at a time. I am growing, learning, and trusting that it will all work out. I will concentrate on finding a job and getting that part of my life in focus. I need to start thinking about selling the house. I can't keep it and there is painting, repairs and other things that need to be done and I can't afford to do that. If I do sell, I am sure I won't make any money out of it. The market is terrible and I will be lucky just to get out from under it.
The holidays are coming and I am not looking forward to my first Christmas as a single person. I like the thought of having my family around me, but I am alone in the house. I don't want to share my children with my ex. I find myself getting jealous when I find they have even spoken to him. I keep it to myself. They have a right to communicate with each other - it is unfair for me to feel that way. But, I feel it anyway. He gave up his family to go live with another woman. He doesn't have the right to see them. I am irrational about all this I know but I can't help it. I feel cheated and I want him cheated too. But I can't tell the girls to not see their father. I have to live with whatever decision they make. I am trying to be adult about it. Who said I have to be an adult? Where is that written? I can hear all sorts of things in my head. Karma will get me if I am hateful, vengeful. Christ says forgive and forget. It will be a long time for that. I am a stubborn redhead. Forgive, maybe someday. Forget - never.
When I get discouraged: this too will pass. It is not going to last forever. The clouds will dissipate one day, I will see the goodness of God again in my life.
I am job hunting. In the midst of all this pain - looking for a job is a hard thing to do. I have to put on a mask everytime I meet with someone. I can't let them see how down I am, how lost, how devastated. I am working with a couple of temp agencies so they do most of the leg work.
Oh, I got to talk to my dear friend in Australia today. We have been friends for more than 15 years. Haven't seen each other in almost that length of time but twice a year we talk on the phone. Now with Facebook we can talk easily and quickly. The internet can be a wonderful thing. Her mother has died suddenly. She lived in Florida so my friend has to fly there for the services. We talk about how much we love our mothers, marriage, kids, my divorce and life in general. She is sympathetic to my issues in the middle of her own pain.
It is time for my to buy myself a new car. I got a good, used car but it is new to me. Fuel efficiency is priority one. It is red, and just fits me. Mom has a consult with a kidney specialist. She is not doing well but he is nice and she likes him. He adjusts her meds and that helps. When did she get to be so frail? She is the strongest woman I know and now I see her declining right before my eyes.
I still see my counselor weekly. He is such a life saver. I think I can make it without talking to him and then something happens and I am so glad to be there talking to him. I can tell him anything and he is my friend. He tries to guide me to talk about intimate details of my marriage but I am not ready to talk about that. I didn't date much and my ex was more experienced than me. I never was very comfortable and that's all I will say on that subject. But I am wanting to meet someone new and I want to date (I think) but I am nervous. I am out of practice and insecure.
It is August and I quit my current position. I've had interviews but nothing yet. My counselor is helping me brainstorm to try and find my passion. Something that drives me. I love to sew and do crafts but there is no money in that. And I don't even have enough energy to go into my sewing room much less be creative.
Fast forward to October. I decide to try EHarmony and do an internet dating experiement. I fix up my profile, post a photo and wait. I am also attending the Thrive support group. My counselor wants me to be around other divorced people. I feel out of place but I make a friend. She is from Louisiana and just separated from her husband. We hit it off right away and are still friends today. So far, there isn't anyone in the group that seems to be interested in me or me in anyone else. But I take it one day at a time. I am growing, learning, and trusting that it will all work out. I will concentrate on finding a job and getting that part of my life in focus. I need to start thinking about selling the house. I can't keep it and there is painting, repairs and other things that need to be done and I can't afford to do that. If I do sell, I am sure I won't make any money out of it. The market is terrible and I will be lucky just to get out from under it.
The holidays are coming and I am not looking forward to my first Christmas as a single person. I like the thought of having my family around me, but I am alone in the house. I don't want to share my children with my ex. I find myself getting jealous when I find they have even spoken to him. I keep it to myself. They have a right to communicate with each other - it is unfair for me to feel that way. But, I feel it anyway. He gave up his family to go live with another woman. He doesn't have the right to see them. I am irrational about all this I know but I can't help it. I feel cheated and I want him cheated too. But I can't tell the girls to not see their father. I have to live with whatever decision they make. I am trying to be adult about it. Who said I have to be an adult? Where is that written? I can hear all sorts of things in my head. Karma will get me if I am hateful, vengeful. Christ says forgive and forget. It will be a long time for that. I am a stubborn redhead. Forgive, maybe someday. Forget - never.
When I get discouraged: this too will pass. It is not going to last forever. The clouds will dissipate one day, I will see the goodness of God again in my life.
East Coast Swing (11)
Lonliness is creeping into my spirit. I was alone for many of the 30 years we were married so I am ready to find love quicker than most divorcees. I am worried. Am I strong enough? Where do I begin? I don't like the bar scene. Do I think about it too much? It spins in my head constantly. My life is boring. I don't feel as though I am moving forward. I am stuck. My counselor tells me I am inpatient and need to just accept the way things are. Things happen in their own time. I hate that. I want my life to change now! I feel as though I have been waiting all my life to live. He says relax and enjoy life. I don't think I know how to do that. I'm enjoying my dance lessons but it will be over too soon.
My counselor is starting a group for single people wanting to learn how to move on from the loss of a love. You could be divorced, widowed, just coming out of a long relationship - doesn't matter. If you want to grow as a person to become your best self, this is the group to join. He calls it "Thrive". That is what we all want to do - thrive, especially after the loss of this magnitude. I like going to the seminars even though I have completed his cd series. There is always some new thing I learn. It gives me something to look forward to and I need that right now.
I am still dreaming about my ex. Not on purpose or by choice. I don't like to dream about him. But once I meet someone new I will replace him. Why is he so hateful when we talk? We are still working out the house situation. I still find it hard to believe this has happened. When did our lives go in different directions? Did I see it coming and ignore it? I think it was because I wasn't strong enough at the time and always thought my marriage could survive anything. I had survived some of the lonlinest times as a married woman. So I thought - our marriage can survive this. We just have to talk and figure it out. He just needs some time to think about what and who he wants. I have been there for all his career, waiting. I produced three wonderful children. I followed him all over waiting for him to get out of the service. Doesn't he owe it to me for my patience and loyalty?
We went through awful times when we were first married and he was going to school in Great Lakes, Ill. I was alone about 45 min away in a tiny apartment with no furniture except in the bedroom. But we were newlyweds and I don't remember being too miserable. Then we were transferred to Mayport, Florida for sea duty. His first aircraft carrier with 5000 other men. And yes, I could pick him out of the crowd when they all stood on deck in their summer whites or winter blues. We were there 6 weeks when he shipped out for his first 9 month deployment to the Mediteranean area (now they do 6 months at a time). And I was alone again in a strange town with no family or friends. But I survived that too. Then back to port and we are together for a year while they repair/refit the ship and prepare for the next deployment. This assignment would last 4 years. He would serve close to 17 years of sea duty out of the 22 he served in his career. So you see, I can say I was in a lonely marriage and raised my children mostly by myself. Then in the later years of our marriage I was alone again with him in the same room. It was a feeling I was familiar with. But, now that I am through raising my children and it is our time, I am disappointed with how things have turned out for us. I am ready to fulfill the dreams we had when we were younger.
But it wasn't to be and now I must face the fact that I have to finish my life alone or with someone new. I don't know what God has in store for me. I would like to hope I find a new love but I just don't know. That is the frustrating part. I can be inpatient when I want change in my life. I always want it quicker than is possible. I feel like time is running out for me and there is no time to waste. I am thinking about internet dating sites. Is that something for me? How does that work out? Should I leave it up to "fate", "luck", "karma"? Something to think about.
If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."
My counselor is starting a group for single people wanting to learn how to move on from the loss of a love. You could be divorced, widowed, just coming out of a long relationship - doesn't matter. If you want to grow as a person to become your best self, this is the group to join. He calls it "Thrive". That is what we all want to do - thrive, especially after the loss of this magnitude. I like going to the seminars even though I have completed his cd series. There is always some new thing I learn. It gives me something to look forward to and I need that right now.
I am still dreaming about my ex. Not on purpose or by choice. I don't like to dream about him. But once I meet someone new I will replace him. Why is he so hateful when we talk? We are still working out the house situation. I still find it hard to believe this has happened. When did our lives go in different directions? Did I see it coming and ignore it? I think it was because I wasn't strong enough at the time and always thought my marriage could survive anything. I had survived some of the lonlinest times as a married woman. So I thought - our marriage can survive this. We just have to talk and figure it out. He just needs some time to think about what and who he wants. I have been there for all his career, waiting. I produced three wonderful children. I followed him all over waiting for him to get out of the service. Doesn't he owe it to me for my patience and loyalty?
We went through awful times when we were first married and he was going to school in Great Lakes, Ill. I was alone about 45 min away in a tiny apartment with no furniture except in the bedroom. But we were newlyweds and I don't remember being too miserable. Then we were transferred to Mayport, Florida for sea duty. His first aircraft carrier with 5000 other men. And yes, I could pick him out of the crowd when they all stood on deck in their summer whites or winter blues. We were there 6 weeks when he shipped out for his first 9 month deployment to the Mediteranean area (now they do 6 months at a time). And I was alone again in a strange town with no family or friends. But I survived that too. Then back to port and we are together for a year while they repair/refit the ship and prepare for the next deployment. This assignment would last 4 years. He would serve close to 17 years of sea duty out of the 22 he served in his career. So you see, I can say I was in a lonely marriage and raised my children mostly by myself. Then in the later years of our marriage I was alone again with him in the same room. It was a feeling I was familiar with. But, now that I am through raising my children and it is our time, I am disappointed with how things have turned out for us. I am ready to fulfill the dreams we had when we were younger.
But it wasn't to be and now I must face the fact that I have to finish my life alone or with someone new. I don't know what God has in store for me. I would like to hope I find a new love but I just don't know. That is the frustrating part. I can be inpatient when I want change in my life. I always want it quicker than is possible. I feel like time is running out for me and there is no time to waste. I am thinking about internet dating sites. Is that something for me? How does that work out? Should I leave it up to "fate", "luck", "karma"? Something to think about.
If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."
Rumba (10)
June 18, 2008 rolls around and it would have been our 31st wedding anniversary. I am glad I am seeing my counselor today. We talk and decide to use this day at the date my life started. He is positive and encourages me. He wants me to get out and socialize more – I am not ready. It is all I can do to go to the dance lessons. I love doing that even though I am nervous and scared to death at the public dances. But I barrel on and enjoy myself for those 2-3 hours twice a week. My instructor is great, he makes me feel special and attractive again.
In addition to my counselor and me putting one foot in front of the other, I begin to listen to music more and more. I am drawn to the words. I like a variety so I made a couple of cds of songs I like, that make me feel good and stronger. Celine Dion, Josh Groban, The Beatles, The Bee Gees, Barbra Streisand, and others. Country singer Lorrie Morgan has some good ones. One of my favorites that I still listen to is “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.”. There's” As Good As I Was To You.”, I Guess You Had To Be There”, “Watch Me”. But this one I love. When I found it for the first time it just says everything I felt, especially in the beginning of the separation. “Back Among The Living”. I am posting the words so you can see what I mean. The other songs you can look up yourself if you are interested. This song says it all for me. (click on the link) Back Among the Living
Now it was months before I could really start to believe it. But, I feel it now. I have made it through oceans of tears and beat back the blows to my pride. I didn't know my own strength (like the song says). But I didn't know this was just one of the challenges I would face over the next 18 months. I would need all the strength I could find. More of that in a later chapter.
As I continued to listen to the cd series my counselor had created, he mentions a singer I hadn't heard of before. David Wilcox. One of the songs is "That's What the Lonely Is For." Listen to George Strait's "She Let Herself Go." Listen to music that makes you feel good and helps with your power. That helped so much after the shock wore off and was ready to hear the words. You need all the power you can get to fight the negativity in your head.
Something I have always done is collect sayings, verses, short poems. I have books and books full. Some of them I made posters to hang where I could see them often. “Regret is a wasted emotion”; “God is in control, I know God is in control, I know God has something better in store for me.” “I am entering God’s rest. I am not going to live worried anymore.” Other sayings I like you see posted already so you know them. I keep a small book in my purse of verse and sayings that I take out and read to keep the negativity at bay and I feel better right away. I call my book “positive statements about my life.” I made a list of about 20 things that are positive. I also made a ‘bucket’ list of 10 things I want to do before I die. Just anything that personally helps you get positive and not dwell in the canyon of negativity.
Since I am an avid movie fan I searched for movies that had strong women. Who were strong enough to live without a man if that is what they chose. I like Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, and Ida Lupino for some older stars. Also, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Marsha Mason and Emma Thompson for more current stars. My favorite all time women’s movie is “Shirley Valentine.” You will need to search for this one; it is about 15 yrs old. Great story about a couple with an empty nest and how their relationship has changed over the years. I really identify with Shirley.
As I work with my counselor, I struggle with discovering what I want out of my now single life. I can’t go back and be what I wanted to be when I grew up. Too late for that. I have never felt so lost and bewildered. My family also helped me a great deal. I was comforted by my children, my sisters, my mother, a special aunt and favorite male cousins. It helped me to talk to divorced people. They understand the pain no matter the reason for their break up. One thing I don’t do is talk badly about their father. Sometimes I slip, but most of the time I don’t say anything. They have to have the relationship with him that they want and that is different that my relationship with him which is nothing unless it concerns our children.
As I sorted things out in the house (my ex didn’t take anything but his clothes, music, some kitchen items - not one photo of his children, not much of anything personal) I found photo albums from the past. I still have our wedding album just in case one of the girls wants it someday. When I look at pictures of the two of us together or of the whole family, I think about how happy we looked at that time. I find old love letters from him when he was deployed. He served when there was not such thing as email and we had to write letters taking two weeks to reach us. I read one or two and at that moment I think he actually loved me. But eventually we grew apart and stopped loving each other but I don’t know when it happened.
The most important thing you will ever do is become who you were meant to be. Blossom into yourself. Lisa Hammond
Now it was months before I could really start to believe it. But, I feel it now. I have made it through oceans of tears and beat back the blows to my pride. I didn't know my own strength (like the song says). But I didn't know this was just one of the challenges I would face over the next 18 months. I would need all the strength I could find. More of that in a later chapter.
As I continued to listen to the cd series my counselor had created, he mentions a singer I hadn't heard of before. David Wilcox. One of the songs is "That's What the Lonely Is For." Listen to George Strait's "She Let Herself Go." Listen to music that makes you feel good and helps with your power. That helped so much after the shock wore off and was ready to hear the words. You need all the power you can get to fight the negativity in your head.
Something I have always done is collect sayings, verses, short poems. I have books and books full. Some of them I made posters to hang where I could see them often. “Regret is a wasted emotion”; “God is in control, I know God is in control, I know God has something better in store for me.” “I am entering God’s rest. I am not going to live worried anymore.” Other sayings I like you see posted already so you know them. I keep a small book in my purse of verse and sayings that I take out and read to keep the negativity at bay and I feel better right away. I call my book “positive statements about my life.” I made a list of about 20 things that are positive. I also made a ‘bucket’ list of 10 things I want to do before I die. Just anything that personally helps you get positive and not dwell in the canyon of negativity.
Since I am an avid movie fan I searched for movies that had strong women. Who were strong enough to live without a man if that is what they chose. I like Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, and Ida Lupino for some older stars. Also, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Marsha Mason and Emma Thompson for more current stars. My favorite all time women’s movie is “Shirley Valentine.” You will need to search for this one; it is about 15 yrs old. Great story about a couple with an empty nest and how their relationship has changed over the years. I really identify with Shirley.
As I work with my counselor, I struggle with discovering what I want out of my now single life. I can’t go back and be what I wanted to be when I grew up. Too late for that. I have never felt so lost and bewildered. My family also helped me a great deal. I was comforted by my children, my sisters, my mother, a special aunt and favorite male cousins. It helped me to talk to divorced people. They understand the pain no matter the reason for their break up. One thing I don’t do is talk badly about their father. Sometimes I slip, but most of the time I don’t say anything. They have to have the relationship with him that they want and that is different that my relationship with him which is nothing unless it concerns our children.
As I sorted things out in the house (my ex didn’t take anything but his clothes, music, some kitchen items - not one photo of his children, not much of anything personal) I found photo albums from the past. I still have our wedding album just in case one of the girls wants it someday. When I look at pictures of the two of us together or of the whole family, I think about how happy we looked at that time. I find old love letters from him when he was deployed. He served when there was not such thing as email and we had to write letters taking two weeks to reach us. I read one or two and at that moment I think he actually loved me. But eventually we grew apart and stopped loving each other but I don’t know when it happened.
The most important thing you will ever do is become who you were meant to be. Blossom into yourself. Lisa Hammond
Monday, February 8, 2010
Cha Cha Cha (9)
Always being a journal writer I like to look back to see how I was feeling at certain times and during events in the past. Of course the last two journals are about my divorce and recovery. The next few chapters are very personal but I want to help others out there who are suffering and feel they are alone. Maybe I say too much but I don't use any names to protect the innocent.
Shortly after the divorce being final in June 2008 I am still wondering if I can make it alone. If I would ever find another man to love me. I feel so hopeless, helpless. As I discuss this with my counselor I start comparing my marriage to my childhood. I grew up with a very emotionally distant father and then married a man who was in a career that kept him physically from me. Believe me I didn't plan it to be that way at all. So I have felt unloved and unfulfilled by the two most important men in my life. My dad and my husband. I was the youngest of four daughters and I don't know if my dad didn't know what to do with girls or just kids in general. If it hadn't been for our saint of a mother, we all would have shriveled up and blown away. She taught us to be strong, stand on our feet, don't rely on a man to supply you with every need. Be able to make your own money, and believe in yourself for always. Be a partner with a spouse not a slave. I think we all have done pretty well.
But I am crisis mode and none of her words are coming to mind. I am sinking in the quicksand of pity, regret and sadness. How will I survive? At this point I am in a job I hate. I have no support and am expected to be happy and perky when all I want to do is cry and scream. I miss our family get togethers. On Friday nights, the girls would meet us for dinner and we would all catch up with what has been going on. We would laugh, eat, maybe fight a little but big bear hugs at the end of the evening and then the next week when we would do it all over again. Sunday dinners were special too. One would come over to do laundry and spend the day visiting and I loved that. Another would show up and then we would have a good dinner. That is just a memory now. I'm still in quicksand with leg weights.
I can't stop dwelling on my ex and his new life. I even see him in my dreams. I wake tired and depressed. I ask my counselor and he tells me "you have 30 yrs of memories to get out of your head. When you make new memories, they old ones will fall away." He advises me to see my MD to make sure I am physically okay. So I make an appt and see my doctor. She is wonderful and sympathetic. I am also having panic attacks in the morning and feel like I am running a race inside when I am sitting still. My hands shake - I hate that. I'm having more and more trouble functioning at work.
The doctor suggests being tested for all STDs and HIV just in case. Since I don't know for sure how long the affair was going on, she wants me to be absolutely sure I am healthy. Then it is only in my mind. Hmm is that a good thing or a bad thing? She also prescribes an anti depressant which also helps the panic attacks. Good a two for one pill. I tell you all this because if you are going thru a loss of a love then you need to protect yourself and make sure you are physically okay. There is nothing wrong in taking something to help you get through the days. Just do it with a doctor's supervision. The days go by and I feel better. My test results come back, I am okay - disease free. Cha Cha Cha! But I am very anemic so we have to find out what is causing me to lose blood and not be making more (I still don't know how all that works).
I end up having two colonoscopies, two EDG (they put a camera down your throat as far as it can reach) and a small intestine scan. That was fun. I wore this belt with a computer attached, about 8 inches square, swallow a tiny camera and go home for 8 hours and let it go thru my small intestines taking thousands of photos. I return the computer and they download the photos. The doctor will look at them and see if there are any tiny holes causing me to lose blood. The camera is expelled about 2 days later. Thirty thousand photos show a perfect small intestine. The 2nd colonoscopy did show an ulcer at the bottom of my stomach so I begin taking meds for that. Cha Cha blah. I tell my doctor - no more gut tests.
The new comes out only when the old is taken away.
Shortly after the divorce being final in June 2008 I am still wondering if I can make it alone. If I would ever find another man to love me. I feel so hopeless, helpless. As I discuss this with my counselor I start comparing my marriage to my childhood. I grew up with a very emotionally distant father and then married a man who was in a career that kept him physically from me. Believe me I didn't plan it to be that way at all. So I have felt unloved and unfulfilled by the two most important men in my life. My dad and my husband. I was the youngest of four daughters and I don't know if my dad didn't know what to do with girls or just kids in general. If it hadn't been for our saint of a mother, we all would have shriveled up and blown away. She taught us to be strong, stand on our feet, don't rely on a man to supply you with every need. Be able to make your own money, and believe in yourself for always. Be a partner with a spouse not a slave. I think we all have done pretty well.
But I am crisis mode and none of her words are coming to mind. I am sinking in the quicksand of pity, regret and sadness. How will I survive? At this point I am in a job I hate. I have no support and am expected to be happy and perky when all I want to do is cry and scream. I miss our family get togethers. On Friday nights, the girls would meet us for dinner and we would all catch up with what has been going on. We would laugh, eat, maybe fight a little but big bear hugs at the end of the evening and then the next week when we would do it all over again. Sunday dinners were special too. One would come over to do laundry and spend the day visiting and I loved that. Another would show up and then we would have a good dinner. That is just a memory now. I'm still in quicksand with leg weights.
I can't stop dwelling on my ex and his new life. I even see him in my dreams. I wake tired and depressed. I ask my counselor and he tells me "you have 30 yrs of memories to get out of your head. When you make new memories, they old ones will fall away." He advises me to see my MD to make sure I am physically okay. So I make an appt and see my doctor. She is wonderful and sympathetic. I am also having panic attacks in the morning and feel like I am running a race inside when I am sitting still. My hands shake - I hate that. I'm having more and more trouble functioning at work.
The doctor suggests being tested for all STDs and HIV just in case. Since I don't know for sure how long the affair was going on, she wants me to be absolutely sure I am healthy. Then it is only in my mind. Hmm is that a good thing or a bad thing? She also prescribes an anti depressant which also helps the panic attacks. Good a two for one pill. I tell you all this because if you are going thru a loss of a love then you need to protect yourself and make sure you are physically okay. There is nothing wrong in taking something to help you get through the days. Just do it with a doctor's supervision. The days go by and I feel better. My test results come back, I am okay - disease free. Cha Cha Cha! But I am very anemic so we have to find out what is causing me to lose blood and not be making more (I still don't know how all that works).
I end up having two colonoscopies, two EDG (they put a camera down your throat as far as it can reach) and a small intestine scan. That was fun. I wore this belt with a computer attached, about 8 inches square, swallow a tiny camera and go home for 8 hours and let it go thru my small intestines taking thousands of photos. I return the computer and they download the photos. The doctor will look at them and see if there are any tiny holes causing me to lose blood. The camera is expelled about 2 days later. Thirty thousand photos show a perfect small intestine. The 2nd colonoscopy did show an ulcer at the bottom of my stomach so I begin taking meds for that. Cha Cha blah. I tell my doctor - no more gut tests.
The new comes out only when the old is taken away.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Journey (8)
In addition to finding a great counselor, I also went back to church. I was raised in a small Baptist church so I know my Bible and was baptized at a young age. I know religion is not for everyone but it helped me. I really consider myself more spiritual now than religious because I don’t like all the politics and doctrine influence.
My ex was raised in another Christian religion and was not interested in keeping up with it, so I let myself get out of the habit of going. When he was active duty and it was just me and girls I did get them to church so they do have that background. They are spiritual and believe in their own way. There is more to being a Christian than attending church and reading the Bible. I taught my children to be accepting of all, not to judge others, and to be open and generous to all. I hope I live Christ’s message and follow His direction every day.
In the beginning of the divorce I had no one that could give me enough comfort. Instead of blaming God for my problems and loss of my marriage, I needed to be close to God and feel His warmth. Now I was alone and could do what I wanted. I kind of liked that. I decided to go back to church. I visiting the downtown Baptist church I used to attend, listening to the pastor and hearing the music. The pastor is young and the music great.
After a few weeks I decide to find the Bible class for singles over 50. I follow my guide and am greeted by a great group of people that make me feel very welcome. They were all in the same boat just at different stages. I was able to share my fears and angst over being single again.
I also started reading more spiritual books. Max Lucado and Joel Osteen became my favorites. They were positive, uplifting words when all I heard in my head was negative.
The class encouraged me to be social again and if I needed to talk about my situation they were patient and understanding. But I didn’t share anything for a long time. Not that I didn’t think they would listen or help it was just I still couldn’t say I was a divorced person. I was concentrating on healing with my counselor so I didn’t need to talk about it on Sunday mornings. And I enjoyed being sort of anonymous – no one knowing anything about me unless I told them. I also concentrated on prayer and enjoying those quiet moments during the service when my emotions seemed to calm down.
The class name was perfect – Journey. That is what I was on and I realized I wasn’t alone.
God I am trusting You. I believe that You are in control. Even though I don’t understand this and it’s not necessarily something I may have chosen, I’m going to stick with it, and with Your help, I will maintain a good attitude.
My ex was raised in another Christian religion and was not interested in keeping up with it, so I let myself get out of the habit of going. When he was active duty and it was just me and girls I did get them to church so they do have that background. They are spiritual and believe in their own way. There is more to being a Christian than attending church and reading the Bible. I taught my children to be accepting of all, not to judge others, and to be open and generous to all. I hope I live Christ’s message and follow His direction every day.
In the beginning of the divorce I had no one that could give me enough comfort. Instead of blaming God for my problems and loss of my marriage, I needed to be close to God and feel His warmth. Now I was alone and could do what I wanted. I kind of liked that. I decided to go back to church. I visiting the downtown Baptist church I used to attend, listening to the pastor and hearing the music. The pastor is young and the music great.
After a few weeks I decide to find the Bible class for singles over 50. I follow my guide and am greeted by a great group of people that make me feel very welcome. They were all in the same boat just at different stages. I was able to share my fears and angst over being single again.
I also started reading more spiritual books. Max Lucado and Joel Osteen became my favorites. They were positive, uplifting words when all I heard in my head was negative.
The class encouraged me to be social again and if I needed to talk about my situation they were patient and understanding. But I didn’t share anything for a long time. Not that I didn’t think they would listen or help it was just I still couldn’t say I was a divorced person. I was concentrating on healing with my counselor so I didn’t need to talk about it on Sunday mornings. And I enjoyed being sort of anonymous – no one knowing anything about me unless I told them. I also concentrated on prayer and enjoying those quiet moments during the service when my emotions seemed to calm down.
The class name was perfect – Journey. That is what I was on and I realized I wasn’t alone.
God I am trusting You. I believe that You are in control. Even though I don’t understand this and it’s not necessarily something I may have chosen, I’m going to stick with it, and with Your help, I will maintain a good attitude.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Quick Step (7)
Okay, working with my counselor. I can’t be specific with the tools my counselor gave me since some of them are copyrighted but I can tell you how I felt during the process.
After we talked for a about a month and the shock of it all was gone, he started out by giving me positive statements (he calls them HOPESTEALERS(c) - each letter stands for what your mind is telling you to believe and it is wrong and what to tell yourself that is true) for me to put all over the house and to read constantly to start believing in myself again. I needed my self-confidence, self-esteem, my spirit back. My counselor had also created a CD series called Getting On With It! (G.O.W.I.) that was a life saver for me. I was anxious to get started getting on with life.
Right in the middle of the divorce process – April 2008 – I was called for jury duty for the first time. I was not really looking forward to it but couldn’t get out of it and it got me away from work so I could do some thinking. Sitting in a courtroom basement is not very exciting. Actually that week turned out to be a very good week personally. I sat there with my headphones and CD player and listened to my GOWI series. What a blessing it turned out to be. I wasn’t called for any juries; I was called and interviewed once but not chosen. So back to the basement to listen to my CD, write in the workbook doing all the exercises.
I was becoming better and better as that week passed. It was also my birthday that week and I was okay with being alone. My girls gave me wonderful gifts and we had a good day.
The series starts out explaining why we love and why it ends. Why we feel the need to love another person. Then it moves into talking about losing a love and how painful that is and that he can help you move past the pain to become whole again. There are relaxation sections, how-to’s to help with self confidence and learning how to meet people again. I hadn’t dated since I was 24, when I got married (and hated dating anyway) so I needed to learn how to meet men and how to talk to them all over again. The last chapter is about saying goodbye forever to your love that you lost. That was important to do. I had to get my ex out of my heart if there was ever going to be room for another man.
So by the end of that week I had gone through most of the chapters. I was feeling better and felt like I was going to make it. I had to learn to think about myself differently. I was so insecure and felt so inadequate I just had to get better.
For example, I would think ‘No one ever really loved me.’ I had to start thinking, ‘I have loved and been loved. It will happen again.’ I think I finished the series faster than any of his other patients. But I wanted to get better quickly and get on with the living part, I’d been dormant long enough. I felt I was coming out of the fog and into the sunlight.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
After we talked for a about a month and the shock of it all was gone, he started out by giving me positive statements (he calls them HOPESTEALERS(c) - each letter stands for what your mind is telling you to believe and it is wrong and what to tell yourself that is true) for me to put all over the house and to read constantly to start believing in myself again. I needed my self-confidence, self-esteem, my spirit back. My counselor had also created a CD series called Getting On With It! (G.O.W.I.) that was a life saver for me. I was anxious to get started getting on with life.
Right in the middle of the divorce process – April 2008 – I was called for jury duty for the first time. I was not really looking forward to it but couldn’t get out of it and it got me away from work so I could do some thinking. Sitting in a courtroom basement is not very exciting. Actually that week turned out to be a very good week personally. I sat there with my headphones and CD player and listened to my GOWI series. What a blessing it turned out to be. I wasn’t called for any juries; I was called and interviewed once but not chosen. So back to the basement to listen to my CD, write in the workbook doing all the exercises.
I was becoming better and better as that week passed. It was also my birthday that week and I was okay with being alone. My girls gave me wonderful gifts and we had a good day.
The series starts out explaining why we love and why it ends. Why we feel the need to love another person. Then it moves into talking about losing a love and how painful that is and that he can help you move past the pain to become whole again. There are relaxation sections, how-to’s to help with self confidence and learning how to meet people again. I hadn’t dated since I was 24, when I got married (and hated dating anyway) so I needed to learn how to meet men and how to talk to them all over again. The last chapter is about saying goodbye forever to your love that you lost. That was important to do. I had to get my ex out of my heart if there was ever going to be room for another man.
So by the end of that week I had gone through most of the chapters. I was feeling better and felt like I was going to make it. I had to learn to think about myself differently. I was so insecure and felt so inadequate I just had to get better.
For example, I would think ‘No one ever really loved me.’ I had to start thinking, ‘I have loved and been loved. It will happen again.’ I think I finished the series faster than any of his other patients. But I wanted to get better quickly and get on with the living part, I’d been dormant long enough. I felt I was coming out of the fog and into the sunlight.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Tango (6)
The best thing I did was search for a counselor to help me get through this life altering event called divorce. Just by chance, fate, destiny, whatever, I found the best relationship counselor in town. The first visit was before the divorce, we went together to see if the marriage was salvagable. The counselor told us he can tell in four sessions if the marriage should be saved.
We went together for the first, my ex went to the second, I went to the third and we were supposed to go together for the last and get the report. But at his alone session, he told the counselor he was unhappy and wanted out. He hadn't loved me for a long time and just didn't know how to tell me. I never understood that. A man who was career military, worked with weapons of all kinds, encountered gunfire, bombs, and bad guys couldn't face his petite little wife to tell her he didn't love her. Oh well - the years we both wasted not being honest.
I continued seeing the counselor, I am a self help kind of person. Always seeking the reasons for things, why I feel the way I do. How can I be better, feel better, look better? I knew I would need help recovering from this loss. I wanted to get rid of the pain. At the first visit I vividly remember how I felt. I went in and sat down on his comfy couch but I felt about 2 inches tall. I sat there and cried and talked about my life. I hadn't talked to anyone about how unhappy I was so I it just started spilling out. I had to verbalize the pain of loss, regret, disappointment of a long relationship.
I was really alone, not just he's away and will be back but alone for the first time in 30 years. How would I survive? Can I survive? Would I ever meet a man to love me again? Did I want to? What do I have to live for? All those thoughts went through my mind. No matter how irrational or unrealistic it sounded - it felt like the truth. It would be weeks before I started to believe I could make it through the dark tunnel of recovery. But on this day it is dark and I am searching for a sliver of light.
Keep calm and carry on.
We went together for the first, my ex went to the second, I went to the third and we were supposed to go together for the last and get the report. But at his alone session, he told the counselor he was unhappy and wanted out. He hadn't loved me for a long time and just didn't know how to tell me. I never understood that. A man who was career military, worked with weapons of all kinds, encountered gunfire, bombs, and bad guys couldn't face his petite little wife to tell her he didn't love her. Oh well - the years we both wasted not being honest.
I continued seeing the counselor, I am a self help kind of person. Always seeking the reasons for things, why I feel the way I do. How can I be better, feel better, look better? I knew I would need help recovering from this loss. I wanted to get rid of the pain. At the first visit I vividly remember how I felt. I went in and sat down on his comfy couch but I felt about 2 inches tall. I sat there and cried and talked about my life. I hadn't talked to anyone about how unhappy I was so I it just started spilling out. I had to verbalize the pain of loss, regret, disappointment of a long relationship.
I was really alone, not just he's away and will be back but alone for the first time in 30 years. How would I survive? Can I survive? Would I ever meet a man to love me again? Did I want to? What do I have to live for? All those thoughts went through my mind. No matter how irrational or unrealistic it sounded - it felt like the truth. It would be weeks before I started to believe I could make it through the dark tunnel of recovery. But on this day it is dark and I am searching for a sliver of light.
Keep calm and carry on.
Look Ma, I'm Dancing! (5)
During the negotiating months - about April thru June - I decided I would do one thing I always wanted to do and never could get him to do with me. Learn to ballroom dance. Now you will know why I call this Dancing Through My Divorce. I spent a lot of money on lessons, shoes and time to learn the basics of ballroom dance 3 times a week. I spent money I had saved so I wouldn't have to split it in the settlement, so he kind of paid for it.
I walked in the ballroom and met my teacher. He was young, under 30 but very willing to teach an old woman the wonders of the dance floor. He flattered me, smiled and was always glad to see me. I could feel my self esteem coming back. I had never danced so closely to another man except my ex so this was bizarre. But after the second or third lesson I was relaxed and having fun. I was laughing! I thought I had forgotten how.
I would leave work, which was increasingly becoming a place I didn't want to be at anymore, and head for the studio. So excited to put on my shoes and practice what I had learned and then learn a new step. I wasn't self conscience anymore. I was just as good as the next student. I even went to the mixers on Friday nights and danced with several men. It was great fun and I highly recommend it for anyone who loves to dance.
I remember thinking the last time I went to the studio. How sad I was it was over. I couldn't afford the next level so this would have to do for now. I had faced my fear of new people, new experience and survived. I knew I was going to be okay and could face the next challenge. I was proud of my progress.
Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it with use. Ruth Gordon
I walked in the ballroom and met my teacher. He was young, under 30 but very willing to teach an old woman the wonders of the dance floor. He flattered me, smiled and was always glad to see me. I could feel my self esteem coming back. I had never danced so closely to another man except my ex so this was bizarre. But after the second or third lesson I was relaxed and having fun. I was laughing! I thought I had forgotten how.
I would leave work, which was increasingly becoming a place I didn't want to be at anymore, and head for the studio. So excited to put on my shoes and practice what I had learned and then learn a new step. I wasn't self conscience anymore. I was just as good as the next student. I even went to the mixers on Friday nights and danced with several men. It was great fun and I highly recommend it for anyone who loves to dance.
I remember thinking the last time I went to the studio. How sad I was it was over. I couldn't afford the next level so this would have to do for now. I had faced my fear of new people, new experience and survived. I knew I was going to be okay and could face the next challenge. I was proud of my progress.
Courage is like a muscle. We strengthen it with use. Ruth Gordon
The Foxtrot (4)
Well, I wasn't going to beg a man to stay if he didn't love me. And to be honest, I wasn't in love with him anymore. I wasn't brave enough to tell him all those years ago. I was actually afraid of hurting HIS feelings. What a dunce. This forced me to make a decision so I call an attorney. Within a week I was meeting with him and to our favor there were no minor children so it would be smooth sailing. Hah! He didn't know my soon to be ex.
I don't remember much of those days. They are foggy and blurry in my memory. I guess the brain protects you somehow and you are on auto pilot. I was able to work, go to the attorney, and function. When I would get home at night I would sit alone in the house and cry and try to understand what had happened to my life. I filed on May 1, 2008.
It seemed to happen quickly. He only wanted a few items from the kitchen, he was a better cook than me, so I gave him what he wanted. But we did argue - for the first time - about was the financial settlement. But I had earned my portion of his military retirement compensation and since it is federal law, he was helpless. He would share it with me the rest of his life.
When he would call or come around he was a stranger to me, not someone I had know for almost 40 years. On June 6, 2008 I went to the courthouse and it was over in about 10 minutes. Poof! 30 years of marriage erased. Now he is just someone I used to know.
Just beneath the surface is what you do not see. It is more important than my looks because without it I cease to be.
I don't remember much of those days. They are foggy and blurry in my memory. I guess the brain protects you somehow and you are on auto pilot. I was able to work, go to the attorney, and function. When I would get home at night I would sit alone in the house and cry and try to understand what had happened to my life. I filed on May 1, 2008.
It seemed to happen quickly. He only wanted a few items from the kitchen, he was a better cook than me, so I gave him what he wanted. But we did argue - for the first time - about was the financial settlement. But I had earned my portion of his military retirement compensation and since it is federal law, he was helpless. He would share it with me the rest of his life.
When he would call or come around he was a stranger to me, not someone I had know for almost 40 years. On June 6, 2008 I went to the courthouse and it was over in about 10 minutes. Poof! 30 years of marriage erased. Now he is just someone I used to know.
Just beneath the surface is what you do not see. It is more important than my looks because without it I cease to be.
This is my space, this is your space (3)
From my perspective it has been going on for about six months. We had emotionally and physically separated about 3 years before, just existing in the same house. So I don't blame him but it was the way he handled it that was so difficult. I wished he had come to me and said he was too unhappy to remain and needed out - BEFORE he found another. But that is not what happened. I felt like it was living a soap opera. I could hear the organ music in the background.
Dundundun --- Believe it or not I didn't do anything. I went back to bed - next to him! - and layed there thinking of what to do. Should I wake him up with a fist to his head? Should I run over the phone with the car? Should I call the woman and tell her to leave him alone? No, didn't do anything. Got up later to get ready for work and somehow I drove there and functioned like nothing was going on. I felt like a robot. How could I do that when I just found out my husband of 30 years is having an affair? Does he know I know? Is it written all over my face? Somehow I made it to lunch and went home. I called my daughter to come over, that I needed to talk. I told her what I had discovered, and she immediately said, 'pack a bag, you are coming to my house tonight.' That is what I did. No note, no phone call, nothing. I stayed at her house for the night and he never called to see where I was, who I was with, nothing.
I have always been angry with myself for not confronting him and airing all the anger, asking all the questions I still have. But we never did. We weren't the arguing kind, if we disagreed we usually worked it out or I gave in - I don't know which - but we didn't yell at each other. So I don't know: why did he find another woman before telling me he was unhappy? was it easier to not be honest and come to me, sparing my feelings? how did it come about? did he approach first? did he ever bring her into my house? So many questions, with no answers.
A couple of days went by and he came home so we could figure out what to do next. We tried to salvage it but it was so dead, it wasn't going to happen. I actually was willing to take him back and make it work if that is what he wanted. For the first time he offered to go to counseling with me (I had begged him in the past but he never thought he needed it). He stayed for two weeks sleeping on the couch but eventually he went back to her. He left for the last time on Easter Sunday, 2008.
Women are a lot like handbags. They don't know how strong they are until they have a lot to carry!
Dundundun --- Believe it or not I didn't do anything. I went back to bed - next to him! - and layed there thinking of what to do. Should I wake him up with a fist to his head? Should I run over the phone with the car? Should I call the woman and tell her to leave him alone? No, didn't do anything. Got up later to get ready for work and somehow I drove there and functioned like nothing was going on. I felt like a robot. How could I do that when I just found out my husband of 30 years is having an affair? Does he know I know? Is it written all over my face? Somehow I made it to lunch and went home. I called my daughter to come over, that I needed to talk. I told her what I had discovered, and she immediately said, 'pack a bag, you are coming to my house tonight.' That is what I did. No note, no phone call, nothing. I stayed at her house for the night and he never called to see where I was, who I was with, nothing.
I have always been angry with myself for not confronting him and airing all the anger, asking all the questions I still have. But we never did. We weren't the arguing kind, if we disagreed we usually worked it out or I gave in - I don't know which - but we didn't yell at each other. So I don't know: why did he find another woman before telling me he was unhappy? was it easier to not be honest and come to me, sparing my feelings? how did it come about? did he approach first? did he ever bring her into my house? So many questions, with no answers.
A couple of days went by and he came home so we could figure out what to do next. We tried to salvage it but it was so dead, it wasn't going to happen. I actually was willing to take him back and make it work if that is what he wanted. For the first time he offered to go to counseling with me (I had begged him in the past but he never thought he needed it). He stayed for two weeks sleeping on the couch but eventually he went back to her. He left for the last time on Easter Sunday, 2008.
Women are a lot like handbags. They don't know how strong they are until they have a lot to carry!
The Box Step (2)
The house is quieter now and we barely speak. As the time went by, I was more and more aware of there being something missing in our relationship. I had felt this in 1983 (it is 2008) and I guess it never went away, I just ignored it. Hoping it would get better. But I was still beating my head against a wall. I used to blame the Navy for our problems but I believe now we never emotionally bonded (at least I don't think he did) and it was easy for him to be away from me and the family. I was too emotionally attached to him and I eventually lost myself.
Before I was married I was an independent, strong woman and gradually became nervous, self-conscience and afraid of life. I don't blame my ex but I ended up disappearing. I was wrapped up in the details of raising children and keeping a house running while he was away. Then when they were gone, the distance was as wide as a canyon. I became more withdrawn, he drank more. We didn't even talk about not talking. We just ignored it - hoping for I don't know what.
Then in early 2008 I just knew there was something going on. He was secretive - more than usual. All of the sudden he wanted a cell phone when he thought they were just a nusance. I felt he was hiding more than his smoking, which I always knew he did. Suddenly he is interested in going to work parties and cookouts but mysteriously I am not invited. Since my secret career wish was to be a detective, I knew I had to find out what was going on. Part of me didn't want to know but I had to. One evening when he was sleeping soundly I got his phone, went to the other side of the house and nervously searched his text messages. My heart was beating so fiercely I just knew he could hear it. Yes, I confirmed it - he had found another woman.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. Eleanor Roosevelt
Before I was married I was an independent, strong woman and gradually became nervous, self-conscience and afraid of life. I don't blame my ex but I ended up disappearing. I was wrapped up in the details of raising children and keeping a house running while he was away. Then when they were gone, the distance was as wide as a canyon. I became more withdrawn, he drank more. We didn't even talk about not talking. We just ignored it - hoping for I don't know what.
Then in early 2008 I just knew there was something going on. He was secretive - more than usual. All of the sudden he wanted a cell phone when he thought they were just a nusance. I felt he was hiding more than his smoking, which I always knew he did. Suddenly he is interested in going to work parties and cookouts but mysteriously I am not invited. Since my secret career wish was to be a detective, I knew I had to find out what was going on. Part of me didn't want to know but I had to. One evening when he was sleeping soundly I got his phone, went to the other side of the house and nervously searched his text messages. My heart was beating so fiercely I just knew he could hear it. Yes, I confirmed it - he had found another woman.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. Eleanor Roosevelt
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The Basics (1)
2/4/10
It has been 1 year, 7 months, and 29 days since I was in front of a judge ending my marriage of 30 years. But it was over long before that day. As I begin this diary I am happier now and more self secure but think about the difficult days I have come through and know there are lots of men and women out there that are still suffering, or haven’t made the difficult decision to end a marriage (or relationship) that isn’t alive and positive in their life.
With this being said, I decided it was time to share my insights on the journey I have been walking for the past almost two years. I hope someone will read it and find out that they are not alone and there is light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. But let us go back to the beginning.
I will start with some background. I am currently 56 years old, being married at 24 to a US Navy seaman right out of boot camp in 1977. I could write a book about being a military wife and living life in the military. But that is for another day. We eventually had three daughters who have grown into mature, wonderful women with lives of their own. Due to the sea duty my seaman was endlessly assigned to, I was a single mother most of those years. My girls and I are very close I believe due to that fact. I am sorry my seaman wasn’t as close to his children but that is one of the sacrifices faced by military men.
After years of moving to various stations, I returned with the children back to my home town and we bought our first home. We were in Oklahoma while my seaman was in Virginia heading out to sea. I settled in to the routine of school and housework and the days went by. I loved our home and it was mine. Eventually the ship went down to Florida for refitting and then lastly to south Texas for a change of port. So my seaman, now a chief was stationed in south Texas for the last 7 yrs of his 22 yr military career. We didn’t like living apart but I wanted our children to have a home base so we sacrificed our days together for their emotional wellbeing. I thought we were happy and everything was going well. I would find out years later how wrong I was.
Fast forward to the 1999 – my chief retires and comes to live in our home. I was glad the career was over but he was depressed and seemed to not be able to find satisfaction in the job he was working. He wasn’t in charge of anyone anymore and civilian life is messy and less regimented. But we trudged along and worked our jobs and finished raising our children. By this time our oldest was out of high school and the other two were close. Then one day the house was empty of children and it was just him and me.
I like to collect sayings and special verse. Here's one for today:
"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." Anais Nin
It has been 1 year, 7 months, and 29 days since I was in front of a judge ending my marriage of 30 years. But it was over long before that day. As I begin this diary I am happier now and more self secure but think about the difficult days I have come through and know there are lots of men and women out there that are still suffering, or haven’t made the difficult decision to end a marriage (or relationship) that isn’t alive and positive in their life.
With this being said, I decided it was time to share my insights on the journey I have been walking for the past almost two years. I hope someone will read it and find out that they are not alone and there is light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. But let us go back to the beginning.
I will start with some background. I am currently 56 years old, being married at 24 to a US Navy seaman right out of boot camp in 1977. I could write a book about being a military wife and living life in the military. But that is for another day. We eventually had three daughters who have grown into mature, wonderful women with lives of their own. Due to the sea duty my seaman was endlessly assigned to, I was a single mother most of those years. My girls and I are very close I believe due to that fact. I am sorry my seaman wasn’t as close to his children but that is one of the sacrifices faced by military men.
After years of moving to various stations, I returned with the children back to my home town and we bought our first home. We were in Oklahoma while my seaman was in Virginia heading out to sea. I settled in to the routine of school and housework and the days went by. I loved our home and it was mine. Eventually the ship went down to Florida for refitting and then lastly to south Texas for a change of port. So my seaman, now a chief was stationed in south Texas for the last 7 yrs of his 22 yr military career. We didn’t like living apart but I wanted our children to have a home base so we sacrificed our days together for their emotional wellbeing. I thought we were happy and everything was going well. I would find out years later how wrong I was.
Fast forward to the 1999 – my chief retires and comes to live in our home. I was glad the career was over but he was depressed and seemed to not be able to find satisfaction in the job he was working. He wasn’t in charge of anyone anymore and civilian life is messy and less regimented. But we trudged along and worked our jobs and finished raising our children. By this time our oldest was out of high school and the other two were close. Then one day the house was empty of children and it was just him and me.
I like to collect sayings and special verse. Here's one for today:
"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself." Anais Nin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)