June 18, 2008 rolls around and it would have been our 31st wedding anniversary. I am glad I am seeing my counselor today. We talk and decide to use this day at the date my life started. He is positive and encourages me. He wants me to get out and socialize more – I am not ready. It is all I can do to go to the dance lessons. I love doing that even though I am nervous and scared to death at the public dances. But I barrel on and enjoy myself for those 2-3 hours twice a week. My instructor is great, he makes me feel special and attractive again.
In addition to my counselor and me putting one foot in front of the other, I begin to listen to music more and more. I am drawn to the words. I like a variety so I made a couple of cds of songs I like, that make me feel good and stronger. Celine Dion, Josh Groban, The Beatles, The Bee Gees, Barbra Streisand, and others. Country singer Lorrie Morgan has some good ones. One of my favorites that I still listen to is “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.”. There's” As Good As I Was To You.”, I Guess You Had To Be There”, “Watch Me”. But this one I love. When I found it for the first time it just says everything I felt, especially in the beginning of the separation. “Back Among The Living”. I am posting the words so you can see what I mean. The other songs you can look up yourself if you are interested. This song says it all for me. (click on the link) Back Among the Living
Now it was months before I could really start to believe it. But, I feel it now. I have made it through oceans of tears and beat back the blows to my pride. I didn't know my own strength (like the song says). But I didn't know this was just one of the challenges I would face over the next 18 months. I would need all the strength I could find. More of that in a later chapter.
As I continued to listen to the cd series my counselor had created, he mentions a singer I hadn't heard of before. David Wilcox. One of the songs is "That's What the Lonely Is For." Listen to George Strait's "She Let Herself Go." Listen to music that makes you feel good and helps with your power. That helped so much after the shock wore off and was ready to hear the words. You need all the power you can get to fight the negativity in your head.
Something I have always done is collect sayings, verses, short poems. I have books and books full. Some of them I made posters to hang where I could see them often. “Regret is a wasted emotion”; “God is in control, I know God is in control, I know God has something better in store for me.” “I am entering God’s rest. I am not going to live worried anymore.” Other sayings I like you see posted already so you know them. I keep a small book in my purse of verse and sayings that I take out and read to keep the negativity at bay and I feel better right away. I call my book “positive statements about my life.” I made a list of about 20 things that are positive. I also made a ‘bucket’ list of 10 things I want to do before I die. Just anything that personally helps you get positive and not dwell in the canyon of negativity.
Since I am an avid movie fan I searched for movies that had strong women. Who were strong enough to live without a man if that is what they chose. I like Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, and Ida Lupino for some older stars. Also, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Marsha Mason and Emma Thompson for more current stars. My favorite all time women’s movie is “Shirley Valentine.” You will need to search for this one; it is about 15 yrs old. Great story about a couple with an empty nest and how their relationship has changed over the years. I really identify with Shirley.
As I work with my counselor, I struggle with discovering what I want out of my now single life. I can’t go back and be what I wanted to be when I grew up. Too late for that. I have never felt so lost and bewildered. My family also helped me a great deal. I was comforted by my children, my sisters, my mother, a special aunt and favorite male cousins. It helped me to talk to divorced people. They understand the pain no matter the reason for their break up. One thing I don’t do is talk badly about their father. Sometimes I slip, but most of the time I don’t say anything. They have to have the relationship with him that they want and that is different that my relationship with him which is nothing unless it concerns our children.
As I sorted things out in the house (my ex didn’t take anything but his clothes, music, some kitchen items - not one photo of his children, not much of anything personal) I found photo albums from the past. I still have our wedding album just in case one of the girls wants it someday. When I look at pictures of the two of us together or of the whole family, I think about how happy we looked at that time. I find old love letters from him when he was deployed. He served when there was not such thing as email and we had to write letters taking two weeks to reach us. I read one or two and at that moment I think he actually loved me. But eventually we grew apart and stopped loving each other but I don’t know when it happened.
The most important thing you will ever do is become who you were meant to be. Blossom into yourself. Lisa Hammond
Now it was months before I could really start to believe it. But, I feel it now. I have made it through oceans of tears and beat back the blows to my pride. I didn't know my own strength (like the song says). But I didn't know this was just one of the challenges I would face over the next 18 months. I would need all the strength I could find. More of that in a later chapter.
As I continued to listen to the cd series my counselor had created, he mentions a singer I hadn't heard of before. David Wilcox. One of the songs is "That's What the Lonely Is For." Listen to George Strait's "She Let Herself Go." Listen to music that makes you feel good and helps with your power. That helped so much after the shock wore off and was ready to hear the words. You need all the power you can get to fight the negativity in your head.
Something I have always done is collect sayings, verses, short poems. I have books and books full. Some of them I made posters to hang where I could see them often. “Regret is a wasted emotion”; “God is in control, I know God is in control, I know God has something better in store for me.” “I am entering God’s rest. I am not going to live worried anymore.” Other sayings I like you see posted already so you know them. I keep a small book in my purse of verse and sayings that I take out and read to keep the negativity at bay and I feel better right away. I call my book “positive statements about my life.” I made a list of about 20 things that are positive. I also made a ‘bucket’ list of 10 things I want to do before I die. Just anything that personally helps you get positive and not dwell in the canyon of negativity.
Since I am an avid movie fan I searched for movies that had strong women. Who were strong enough to live without a man if that is what they chose. I like Barbara Stanwyck, Bette Davis, and Ida Lupino for some older stars. Also, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Marsha Mason and Emma Thompson for more current stars. My favorite all time women’s movie is “Shirley Valentine.” You will need to search for this one; it is about 15 yrs old. Great story about a couple with an empty nest and how their relationship has changed over the years. I really identify with Shirley.
As I work with my counselor, I struggle with discovering what I want out of my now single life. I can’t go back and be what I wanted to be when I grew up. Too late for that. I have never felt so lost and bewildered. My family also helped me a great deal. I was comforted by my children, my sisters, my mother, a special aunt and favorite male cousins. It helped me to talk to divorced people. They understand the pain no matter the reason for their break up. One thing I don’t do is talk badly about their father. Sometimes I slip, but most of the time I don’t say anything. They have to have the relationship with him that they want and that is different that my relationship with him which is nothing unless it concerns our children.
As I sorted things out in the house (my ex didn’t take anything but his clothes, music, some kitchen items - not one photo of his children, not much of anything personal) I found photo albums from the past. I still have our wedding album just in case one of the girls wants it someday. When I look at pictures of the two of us together or of the whole family, I think about how happy we looked at that time. I find old love letters from him when he was deployed. He served when there was not such thing as email and we had to write letters taking two weeks to reach us. I read one or two and at that moment I think he actually loved me. But eventually we grew apart and stopped loving each other but I don’t know when it happened.
The most important thing you will ever do is become who you were meant to be. Blossom into yourself. Lisa Hammond
I loved "Shirley Valentine"
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