Always being a journal writer I like to look back to see how I was feeling at certain times and during events in the past. Of course the last two journals are about my divorce and recovery. The next few chapters are very personal but I want to help others out there who are suffering and feel they are alone. Maybe I say too much but I don't use any names to protect the innocent.
Shortly after the divorce being final in June 2008 I am still wondering if I can make it alone. If I would ever find another man to love me. I feel so hopeless, helpless. As I discuss this with my counselor I start comparing my marriage to my childhood. I grew up with a very emotionally distant father and then married a man who was in a career that kept him physically from me. Believe me I didn't plan it to be that way at all. So I have felt unloved and unfulfilled by the two most important men in my life. My dad and my husband. I was the youngest of four daughters and I don't know if my dad didn't know what to do with girls or just kids in general. If it hadn't been for our saint of a mother, we all would have shriveled up and blown away. She taught us to be strong, stand on our feet, don't rely on a man to supply you with every need. Be able to make your own money, and believe in yourself for always. Be a partner with a spouse not a slave. I think we all have done pretty well.
But I am crisis mode and none of her words are coming to mind. I am sinking in the quicksand of pity, regret and sadness. How will I survive? At this point I am in a job I hate. I have no support and am expected to be happy and perky when all I want to do is cry and scream. I miss our family get togethers. On Friday nights, the girls would meet us for dinner and we would all catch up with what has been going on. We would laugh, eat, maybe fight a little but big bear hugs at the end of the evening and then the next week when we would do it all over again. Sunday dinners were special too. One would come over to do laundry and spend the day visiting and I loved that. Another would show up and then we would have a good dinner. That is just a memory now. I'm still in quicksand with leg weights.
I can't stop dwelling on my ex and his new life. I even see him in my dreams. I wake tired and depressed. I ask my counselor and he tells me "you have 30 yrs of memories to get out of your head. When you make new memories, they old ones will fall away." He advises me to see my MD to make sure I am physically okay. So I make an appt and see my doctor. She is wonderful and sympathetic. I am also having panic attacks in the morning and feel like I am running a race inside when I am sitting still. My hands shake - I hate that. I'm having more and more trouble functioning at work.
The doctor suggests being tested for all STDs and HIV just in case. Since I don't know for sure how long the affair was going on, she wants me to be absolutely sure I am healthy. Then it is only in my mind. Hmm is that a good thing or a bad thing? She also prescribes an anti depressant which also helps the panic attacks. Good a two for one pill. I tell you all this because if you are going thru a loss of a love then you need to protect yourself and make sure you are physically okay. There is nothing wrong in taking something to help you get through the days. Just do it with a doctor's supervision. The days go by and I feel better. My test results come back, I am okay - disease free. Cha Cha Cha! But I am very anemic so we have to find out what is causing me to lose blood and not be making more (I still don't know how all that works).
I end up having two colonoscopies, two EDG (they put a camera down your throat as far as it can reach) and a small intestine scan. That was fun. I wore this belt with a computer attached, about 8 inches square, swallow a tiny camera and go home for 8 hours and let it go thru my small intestines taking thousands of photos. I return the computer and they download the photos. The doctor will look at them and see if there are any tiny holes causing me to lose blood. The camera is expelled about 2 days later. Thirty thousand photos show a perfect small intestine. The 2nd colonoscopy did show an ulcer at the bottom of my stomach so I begin taking meds for that. Cha Cha blah. I tell my doctor - no more gut tests.
The new comes out only when the old is taken away.
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