This chapter title is a song that Michael Buble sings on his Crazy Love CD. The words are perfect for people dating. Here is the first part of the song, but you need to hear all of it ----
Haven't Met You Yet
I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,
I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,
And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get --
I just haven't met you yet.
The experiment continues. After a suggestion from someone I check out the personals listings on Craigslist.com. Very entertaining. Some of the posts are amazing, some are just weird. I read one from a guy that said “mountain man wanting woman to work since I don’t. Chop wood, keep house”. He even posted a photo. Looked like a grizzly, old mountain man. Yea, I’m going to answer that one. Anyway, I don’t chop wood.
I scan the ones in my age range and find a simple post from an older man that sounds interesting, not a psycho. I respond and we email a few times and decide to meet. We meet for lunch at a restaurant of my choice. We sit for a couple of hours just talking and getting to know each other. He called me a couple of days later and we went out several times. He was a mature, kind, educated man with a good job and a beautiful home. When he decided he just didn’t have time for a woman in his life (then why did he post a message?), we left as friends. I know I could call him if I ever needed anything.
A couple of months later, I found another interesting post on Craigslist. It was very creative and intriguing. It read like a chapter from a romance novel. I am a sucker for romance so I had to respond. We emailed a few times, spoke on the phone, and then met at a restaurant nearby. He didn’t look like what I expected but I don’t judge a person on their looks, it’s the inside that counts. We sat and talked for a long time. He was funny, good conversation, I thought I would give it a chance. We went out a few times and things are going okay. We are still seeing each other but not as often as I would like. He is a retail manager, so he doesn’t get much time off. I don’t know where this is going; it may turn out to be a “growth relationship”. Just have to see.
I go back to the internet. I may be naïve, but I keep thinking a good man is out there. I have realized I don’t need a man to make me happy, but I would like to have a relationship with a kind, honest, affectionate man. I communicate with more options online but no one a keeper. I talk to a few more men from all over the map. This is a note about photo posting. Hey guys – no hats, sunglasses, other women in the photo over 18, your high school or driver’s license photo. Variety is good; and don’t just post the photo of you in your war reenactment photo. And make sure they aren’t more than 2 yrs old.
As my internet dating experience grows, I am noticing patterns. If you have ever read postings on dating sites, a person posts their city/state. You would think people would be honest but they aren’t. I am an honest person and wouldn’t think about lying on purpose. A person can say they are from “New York”, “Chicago”, or Timbuktu but I have found out that means nothing. Eventually the truth comes out. As I said before, there are crooks everywhere. W. Africa, UK, and Spain are popular locations. The person talks, tells you he is honest (don’t know the meaning of the word), says he is really interested in you and wants to meet. Reeling you in with flowery words, saying just the right things. Then you find out they are just using you. Eventually they ask for some kind of financial support. I’ve heard “my child is sick”, “I lost my wallet”, “I have spent all the cash I brought and need help getting my stuff out of customs”, actually not very creative.
When I say I don’t loan money – all of the sudden their “feelings” are history and the guilt begins. I just say no and stop communicating. It actually becomes a let down. You think “hey this might be someone I want to know and meet”, but it is ruined by uncaring, unscrupulous men looking for only money.
I envision a large room, banks of computers and phones with each one manned by a guy looking for lonely, single women. I know that finding the love of my life online is a shot in the dark but I keep hoping and throwing my fishing pole into the sea of men. If nothing else I have learned a lot and maybe it will help other women know what to avoid, how to stay safe.
Another site that I have visited but it is pretty low tech is Zoosk. That is Facebooks dating site. I was contacted by a local man recently. We have been out a couple of times. Since we are just getting started there isn’t much to tell. He is a widower, 2 grown sons, works a good job. He is nice, good conversation, a gentleman. He tells me he likes being around me but I can’t decide how I feel about him. Dating is complicated and takes a lot of effort. I will keep you posted on what happens next.
The only mistake is not to risk making one.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Somewhere, Out There (21)
When I first began getting contacted on the various sites, it was exciting and very flattering. Eventually I put my profile on Yahoo Personals. That is an interesting site and affordable. In the first week I was contacted by about 10 men from all over. It seemed difficult to find a man in my own town. They were from everywhere but my city. That is frustrating. As that site winds down I try Singlesnet.com. Not a bad site. I like the set up. After being on several sites, I seem to be recognizing men. They have also been on multiple sites. I begin to think I am not going to find ‘the one’ online.
Would I have more luck sitting at a Starbucks? Trawling a grocery store for a helpless male shopper? Prison rodeo (my cousin suggested that venue)? I am running out of ideas. I begin to think – I need to meet flesh and blood men, not just online men. I think some of them get a photo online and it is not really theirs. That would be easy to do. After several contacts asked me for money and I could see a pattern I began to investigate online scams.
I found a website that you can check to see if anyone else has had a similar experience with the man. If you are suspicious, romancescams.org is a good site to check an email or photo. You can see if anyone recognizes the email address. You can also post the photo(s) you have received to see if they are used under another name. Also, I figured out how to see what their IP address is. There is a site IP Whosis that lets you put in the IP address and see where the person is located. That can confirm your suspicions or just let you know where the person is really located. I know it sounds sneaky and cynical but you have to be careful and protect yourself. I want to protect my heart just as I would protect my identity.
What has fascinated me is why so many men are in W. Africa doing construction. You would think there are lots of jobs here in the US. I felt the men needed to all get together so they would have friends. There seem to be patterns to these men. Usually widowed, have a child that is with them, a couple has said their children live with relatives in another country. Their occupation is construction, engineering, import/export, or antiques. Then as time goes by and we have talked for awhile, they start talking about the inability to get their goods from customs or their child is sick.
I had one guy tell me his child was dying from malaria unless they got a blood transfusion. I researched online about malaria treatments. None of them say anything about transfusions. Some of them must think I am really stupid. When I refuse to send money they start the guilt talk which doesn’t work on me. I had three kids that couldn’t guilt me into things so these guys can’t either. Some of the stories they come up with to get you to send money. REMEMBER: Don’t ever send money to anyone you have never met.
I suppose at this point you must think I am getting desperate about finding a man. I am not. I am a hopeful romantic and I want the fairy tale ending.
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan
Would I have more luck sitting at a Starbucks? Trawling a grocery store for a helpless male shopper? Prison rodeo (my cousin suggested that venue)? I am running out of ideas. I begin to think – I need to meet flesh and blood men, not just online men. I think some of them get a photo online and it is not really theirs. That would be easy to do. After several contacts asked me for money and I could see a pattern I began to investigate online scams.
I found a website that you can check to see if anyone else has had a similar experience with the man. If you are suspicious, romancescams.org is a good site to check an email or photo. You can see if anyone recognizes the email address. You can also post the photo(s) you have received to see if they are used under another name. Also, I figured out how to see what their IP address is. There is a site IP Whosis that lets you put in the IP address and see where the person is located. That can confirm your suspicions or just let you know where the person is really located. I know it sounds sneaky and cynical but you have to be careful and protect yourself. I want to protect my heart just as I would protect my identity.
What has fascinated me is why so many men are in W. Africa doing construction. You would think there are lots of jobs here in the US. I felt the men needed to all get together so they would have friends. There seem to be patterns to these men. Usually widowed, have a child that is with them, a couple has said their children live with relatives in another country. Their occupation is construction, engineering, import/export, or antiques. Then as time goes by and we have talked for awhile, they start talking about the inability to get their goods from customs or their child is sick.
I had one guy tell me his child was dying from malaria unless they got a blood transfusion. I researched online about malaria treatments. None of them say anything about transfusions. Some of them must think I am really stupid. When I refuse to send money they start the guilt talk which doesn’t work on me. I had three kids that couldn’t guilt me into things so these guys can’t either. Some of the stories they come up with to get you to send money. REMEMBER: Don’t ever send money to anyone you have never met.
I suppose at this point you must think I am getting desperate about finding a man. I am not. I am a hopeful romantic and I want the fairy tale ending.
I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan
Friday, March 19, 2010
Fools Rush In (20)
I didn’t like dating when I was younger. Guess that is one reason I married too quickly; didn’t give enough thought to the impact of marriage. I wanted a career but thought I would miss out if I didn’t get married. But that is the choice I made and for awhile I was happy with my decision. I am moving forward now, not looking back. Maybe I wanted to date earlier than most divorcees but I had been lonely for many years so it felt okay to think about dating and maybe finding another love sooner than later.
Okay, I have completed the CD series, feel better and stronger about life and am ready to try dating again. I don’t do the bar scene and my Sunday School class is mostly women so what to do? I tried dance lessons – no luck there. I realized it is a real challenge to meet a good, single man who wants a long term relationship as I do. I decide to try the Internet dating sites. Never did I know that when I reached my age I would consider meeting a man on the Internet.
Before I began surfing – I did take precautions to protect myself, identity wise. I invested in Life Lock to make sure my identity would be protected. I read about talking to people on the internet and made sure I followed the “rules”. I will be careful about not sharing personal information - check. I won't reveal anyone’s name but my own - check. I won't give out my address- check.
Now I am ready to start looking around. Hmm so many choices, where to go first.
The first site I tried was Eharmony.com. Rather expensive but I tried it off on and on for almost a year. Talked to a few men, but nothing came about except one guy. I contacted him and we went out about 3 times. He was a nice person but there was just wasn't any chemistry (maybe he should have been on Chemistry.com). I decided to end it and not waste either persons time. I was nice about it but I don't think he was happy when I stopped seeing him.
I tried Chemistry.com; Match.com (over rated); Christiansingles.com; free trials of True Singles.com.
One day a guy contacted me through my MySpace page. He sounded great. His photo looked like a body builder; very good looking. We started talking and things went pretty well. I was skeptical because I kept thinking why would such a good looking man be unable to find someone in his large city?
We talked for several weeks and then he finally told me he was overseas in W. Africa digging for gold and diamonds. He was an archeologist. Really? Hmm, sounds odd. Eventually we talk on the phone. He didn’t sound like an American. He has an accent I can’t figure out.
Then, the deal breaker --- he asks me for money ‘to get his goods from customs’. Yeah, right. I tell him I can’t do that. How come all of the sudden he doesn’t have money. This doesn’t make sense. He says his check is not in US money. What? How stupid does he think I am? I decide to end the conversations.
This scenario would happen several times over as the months went by and others contacted me. I thought this dating thing would be easier now that I am older and wiser but I didn’t know how many con men and crazies would be out there. Turns out to be a very interesting way of finding and learning about men plus I will have all kinds of “growth relationships.” There will be many lessons learned. This is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined.
The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis
Okay, I have completed the CD series, feel better and stronger about life and am ready to try dating again. I don’t do the bar scene and my Sunday School class is mostly women so what to do? I tried dance lessons – no luck there. I realized it is a real challenge to meet a good, single man who wants a long term relationship as I do. I decide to try the Internet dating sites. Never did I know that when I reached my age I would consider meeting a man on the Internet.
Before I began surfing – I did take precautions to protect myself, identity wise. I invested in Life Lock to make sure my identity would be protected. I read about talking to people on the internet and made sure I followed the “rules”. I will be careful about not sharing personal information - check. I won't reveal anyone’s name but my own - check. I won't give out my address- check.
Now I am ready to start looking around. Hmm so many choices, where to go first.
The first site I tried was Eharmony.com. Rather expensive but I tried it off on and on for almost a year. Talked to a few men, but nothing came about except one guy. I contacted him and we went out about 3 times. He was a nice person but there was just wasn't any chemistry (maybe he should have been on Chemistry.com). I decided to end it and not waste either persons time. I was nice about it but I don't think he was happy when I stopped seeing him.
I tried Chemistry.com; Match.com (over rated); Christiansingles.com; free trials of True Singles.com.
One day a guy contacted me through my MySpace page. He sounded great. His photo looked like a body builder; very good looking. We started talking and things went pretty well. I was skeptical because I kept thinking why would such a good looking man be unable to find someone in his large city?
We talked for several weeks and then he finally told me he was overseas in W. Africa digging for gold and diamonds. He was an archeologist. Really? Hmm, sounds odd. Eventually we talk on the phone. He didn’t sound like an American. He has an accent I can’t figure out.
Then, the deal breaker --- he asks me for money ‘to get his goods from customs’. Yeah, right. I tell him I can’t do that. How come all of the sudden he doesn’t have money. This doesn’t make sense. He says his check is not in US money. What? How stupid does he think I am? I decide to end the conversations.
This scenario would happen several times over as the months went by and others contacted me. I thought this dating thing would be easier now that I am older and wiser but I didn’t know how many con men and crazies would be out there. Turns out to be a very interesting way of finding and learning about men plus I will have all kinds of “growth relationships.” There will be many lessons learned. This is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined.
The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Arrivederci (19)
There are so many good subjects covered in the G.O.W.I(c) series that you need to learn for yourself. If you are interested in purchasing and completing the series, please go to the website link listed in the previous post #7 The Quick Step. The last thing I will discuss is how I was able to say goodbye to someone I had known for more than 30 years.
If I was to let another man into my life I had to get my ex out of my head, heart, and life (at least the day to day stuff). As I said before, I feel fortunate I don't have young children to share so I don't have to hear from him or see him unless there is a need. So far after a year there has been only one need (when the house was in transition). I got over my obsession with my ex pretty quickly. I guess that is because we were separated so much by his career. When he wasn't physically with me, I knew he was gone and just didn't look for him. But I still had to get him out of my heart.
A love loss addiction steals your ability to concentrate on non-relationship pursuits. I would sit and dwell on the events and that kept me from pursuing my crafts, reading, friends and family. I had to stop imagining that he was sitting there thinking about me. He wasn't thinking about me. He had made that clear when he left me for another. It was robbing my identity, my personality, my joy. It disrupted all relationships I did have and laid waste to my potential. Dwelling on him was a dead end road to despair, weakness, waste, worthlessness, and general misery. I had to stop thinking of him constantly. I wasn't going to get him back and deep down I didn't want him. I knew I was over being miserable and thrown away. I just had to make sure he was gone for good and needing him would not resurface in the future. My victory would be discovering myself and getting ME back. My relationship couldn't continue in the state it was in. We didn't have anything in common except our children. He had compulsive habits that I couldn't deal with so it needed to be over. I had to declare my independence!
I did the thought stopping exercise. First I got rid of all reminders of my ex in my home. Photos, clothes, food, gifts from him, anything that reminded me of him. I had to replace the thoughts of him with other thoughts that had nothing to do with him. I made a list of thoughts I had about him on one side of a page and the replacement thought on the other side. One side said Where is he living? Where did he meet her? Did he bring her to my house? How will I live? On the other side I wrote, I don't care where he is living. It doesn't matter where he met her. I can't control if he brought her to the house, it doesn't matter anymore. One thing I did when I couldn't stop thinking about him and seeing him in my head was look at my photo album from my trip to Italy in 2006. I would look at my photos and see myself standing on the bridge in Florence watching the beautiful sunset. Or the photo of me standing in the Colosseum in Rome and imaging all the events that took place there so many centuries ago. I would feel peaceful again and could feel the sun on my face. Or I would imagine sitting with my grandchildren reading or watching them play. They are such a joy and it is too bad my ex doesn't get to see them as often as I do. When he left I don't think he knew what he was giving up for her. He lost more than I did.
I pictured his name on a giant rock I had on my shoulder and then I would smash it on the street. What did he give me I couldn't get from others? I had to remember that when I was alone and he was on the other side of the world, I was able to take care of myself and three small children. I was capable of surviving. This was the same, I didn't like it - but I could do it. I am proud of myself for surviving those years and have three terrific girls to show for it.
My aunt was so smart. She knew I was not happily married and when she decided to go to Italy to see her son she asked if I wanted to go as her traveling companion. She also knew I had always wanted to travel so I was so grateful and excited that she chose me. My first trip without husband, kids, phones, or any interruptions. The experience helped me examine my life and what I wanted it to be. I knew I was miserable and had to make a change. I didn't know those 10 days would get me through the terrible weeks, months and years of divorce recovery. It opened my eyes to the big world of possibilities and I began to think differently about myself and my situation. I was stronger than I ever thought. I had disappeared over the course of a long marriage. I was invisible to him. I had forgotten who I was. I am a terrific, smart, and funny woman. Any man would be happy to know me. I felt like a phoenix coming back to life. I had endured and survived and now I needed to live. The fear of being single was better than knowing I was settling for an unhappy life.
I had to develop activities and interests that I had forgotten about when you are raising a family. To defeat loneliness I had to keep my mind from ballooning with how irrational things are. I know very well how bad moods are hard to resist. But I had the courage to get out of a bad marriage and I would survive the aftershocks. Living well is the best revenge. It is vital to put the pain behind and move forward with my life and find a new love. Someone is out there looking for me too. Otherwise I have given up my power to the person who had hurt me. I will rise up and live my life! I will live free!
Bravery is the fruit of a thousand hardships - Philippine proverb
If I was to let another man into my life I had to get my ex out of my head, heart, and life (at least the day to day stuff). As I said before, I feel fortunate I don't have young children to share so I don't have to hear from him or see him unless there is a need. So far after a year there has been only one need (when the house was in transition). I got over my obsession with my ex pretty quickly. I guess that is because we were separated so much by his career. When he wasn't physically with me, I knew he was gone and just didn't look for him. But I still had to get him out of my heart.
A love loss addiction steals your ability to concentrate on non-relationship pursuits. I would sit and dwell on the events and that kept me from pursuing my crafts, reading, friends and family. I had to stop imagining that he was sitting there thinking about me. He wasn't thinking about me. He had made that clear when he left me for another. It was robbing my identity, my personality, my joy. It disrupted all relationships I did have and laid waste to my potential. Dwelling on him was a dead end road to despair, weakness, waste, worthlessness, and general misery. I had to stop thinking of him constantly. I wasn't going to get him back and deep down I didn't want him. I knew I was over being miserable and thrown away. I just had to make sure he was gone for good and needing him would not resurface in the future. My victory would be discovering myself and getting ME back. My relationship couldn't continue in the state it was in. We didn't have anything in common except our children. He had compulsive habits that I couldn't deal with so it needed to be over. I had to declare my independence!
I did the thought stopping exercise. First I got rid of all reminders of my ex in my home. Photos, clothes, food, gifts from him, anything that reminded me of him. I had to replace the thoughts of him with other thoughts that had nothing to do with him. I made a list of thoughts I had about him on one side of a page and the replacement thought on the other side. One side said Where is he living? Where did he meet her? Did he bring her to my house? How will I live? On the other side I wrote, I don't care where he is living. It doesn't matter where he met her. I can't control if he brought her to the house, it doesn't matter anymore. One thing I did when I couldn't stop thinking about him and seeing him in my head was look at my photo album from my trip to Italy in 2006. I would look at my photos and see myself standing on the bridge in Florence watching the beautiful sunset. Or the photo of me standing in the Colosseum in Rome and imaging all the events that took place there so many centuries ago. I would feel peaceful again and could feel the sun on my face. Or I would imagine sitting with my grandchildren reading or watching them play. They are such a joy and it is too bad my ex doesn't get to see them as often as I do. When he left I don't think he knew what he was giving up for her. He lost more than I did.
I pictured his name on a giant rock I had on my shoulder and then I would smash it on the street. What did he give me I couldn't get from others? I had to remember that when I was alone and he was on the other side of the world, I was able to take care of myself and three small children. I was capable of surviving. This was the same, I didn't like it - but I could do it. I am proud of myself for surviving those years and have three terrific girls to show for it.
My aunt was so smart. She knew I was not happily married and when she decided to go to Italy to see her son she asked if I wanted to go as her traveling companion. She also knew I had always wanted to travel so I was so grateful and excited that she chose me. My first trip without husband, kids, phones, or any interruptions. The experience helped me examine my life and what I wanted it to be. I knew I was miserable and had to make a change. I didn't know those 10 days would get me through the terrible weeks, months and years of divorce recovery. It opened my eyes to the big world of possibilities and I began to think differently about myself and my situation. I was stronger than I ever thought. I had disappeared over the course of a long marriage. I was invisible to him. I had forgotten who I was. I am a terrific, smart, and funny woman. Any man would be happy to know me. I felt like a phoenix coming back to life. I had endured and survived and now I needed to live. The fear of being single was better than knowing I was settling for an unhappy life.
I had to develop activities and interests that I had forgotten about when you are raising a family. To defeat loneliness I had to keep my mind from ballooning with how irrational things are. I know very well how bad moods are hard to resist. But I had the courage to get out of a bad marriage and I would survive the aftershocks. Living well is the best revenge. It is vital to put the pain behind and move forward with my life and find a new love. Someone is out there looking for me too. Otherwise I have given up my power to the person who had hurt me. I will rise up and live my life! I will live free!
Bravery is the fruit of a thousand hardships - Philippine proverb
Monday, March 1, 2010
Still Learning (18)
Even as I started feeling better, I would have down times. I struggled with the pain and anger, then depression and anxiety. What a roller coaster our emotions can be and I hate roller coasters. I am proud to say I kept fighting through those dark days. I had to. What is the alternative? After all I am my mother’s daughter – a McDonald girl – and that’s what we do.
I had to get my power back that was lost so long ago. I had to realize my emotions were fickle. I’m not worthless, undesirable, ugly. I had to learn to like myself again. My life is worth something. It takes two to make a relationship and one to leave it. I can’t get upset at things I can’t control. It wasn’t my fault I was cheated on. That’s what he did, not something I made him do. If he wanted someone else that is his loss because he can’t have me and do that. I’m going to respect myself.
As I examine the stages of recovery I see that I am still going through the final ones. I’ve passed through Shock, Denial, Protest, Bargaining, Dispair, Identification, Improvement but I haven’t reached the feelings of Success and Happiness. As I read the list again, they resemble the stages of grief after going through a death. Divorce is a death of a relationship and the longer you are married, the longer the grief. Being married 30+ years I am still processing it all after two years. I am not as deep in the canyon when it first happened but I am not completely out either.
I can look back and realize what I was attached to was not my ex but what he gave me. The need to live and survive is bigger than the person I thought I needed. The marriage was gone a long time ago and we had become ghosts to one another. Now was the time for me to put together a life and find meaning. The love lost had a purpose - for me it was to find my best self. When it all comes apart and you can’t stand it, know that it must end. The pain is worth it and the sun will shine once more. I had given up my true self to have him and I never really had him at all.
The worst power stealer is the internalization of the belief that I must be loved by someone. But I am human and want companionship, love, intimacy, maybe be married again. Now that the pain is better and I am in my own mind I can determine what I want and what I don’t out of a relationship. My counselor says that all relationships are “growth relationships”. Okay, I have grown from the first one (whether I wanted to or not) and am ready to try another. But I am 30 years older and the world of dating has really changed.
The fear of trying to find another relationship made me stay in one much longer than I should have. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I always felt I was begging him to love me and that killed both of our spirits. He couldn’t love me enough and I didn’t accept what he could give. I was trying to fill a hole inside that was never going to be filled. I have to fill it with loving myself first. I know now that no man owes me love. It is not in my control and can’t make a man love me. I am not defined by who loves me, I am defined by what I do and choose to love. I have to stop telling myself no one would ever love me. So what if I don’t find a man to love me. I will have to be okay with that. I may not like it but that doesn’t keep me from dating and having “growth relationships”.
I don’t know what is down the road and in my future. I like to believe that I was not meant to be alone forever. But I am not a psychic so I have to live every day, keep moving forward, look for opportunities for new people in my life and survive. That is the only way to get to the Thriving part of my journey.
Heal the past, Live the present, Dream the future.
I had to get my power back that was lost so long ago. I had to realize my emotions were fickle. I’m not worthless, undesirable, ugly. I had to learn to like myself again. My life is worth something. It takes two to make a relationship and one to leave it. I can’t get upset at things I can’t control. It wasn’t my fault I was cheated on. That’s what he did, not something I made him do. If he wanted someone else that is his loss because he can’t have me and do that. I’m going to respect myself.
As I examine the stages of recovery I see that I am still going through the final ones. I’ve passed through Shock, Denial, Protest, Bargaining, Dispair, Identification, Improvement but I haven’t reached the feelings of Success and Happiness. As I read the list again, they resemble the stages of grief after going through a death. Divorce is a death of a relationship and the longer you are married, the longer the grief. Being married 30+ years I am still processing it all after two years. I am not as deep in the canyon when it first happened but I am not completely out either.
I can look back and realize what I was attached to was not my ex but what he gave me. The need to live and survive is bigger than the person I thought I needed. The marriage was gone a long time ago and we had become ghosts to one another. Now was the time for me to put together a life and find meaning. The love lost had a purpose - for me it was to find my best self. When it all comes apart and you can’t stand it, know that it must end. The pain is worth it and the sun will shine once more. I had given up my true self to have him and I never really had him at all.
The worst power stealer is the internalization of the belief that I must be loved by someone. But I am human and want companionship, love, intimacy, maybe be married again. Now that the pain is better and I am in my own mind I can determine what I want and what I don’t out of a relationship. My counselor says that all relationships are “growth relationships”. Okay, I have grown from the first one (whether I wanted to or not) and am ready to try another. But I am 30 years older and the world of dating has really changed.
The fear of trying to find another relationship made me stay in one much longer than I should have. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I always felt I was begging him to love me and that killed both of our spirits. He couldn’t love me enough and I didn’t accept what he could give. I was trying to fill a hole inside that was never going to be filled. I have to fill it with loving myself first. I know now that no man owes me love. It is not in my control and can’t make a man love me. I am not defined by who loves me, I am defined by what I do and choose to love. I have to stop telling myself no one would ever love me. So what if I don’t find a man to love me. I will have to be okay with that. I may not like it but that doesn’t keep me from dating and having “growth relationships”.
I don’t know what is down the road and in my future. I like to believe that I was not meant to be alone forever. But I am not a psychic so I have to live every day, keep moving forward, look for opportunities for new people in my life and survive. That is the only way to get to the Thriving part of my journey.
Heal the past, Live the present, Dream the future.
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