The Tango (6)

The best thing I did was search for a counselor to help me get through this life altering event called divorce. Just by chance, fate, destiny, whatever, I found the best relationship counselor in town. The first visit was before the divorce, we went together to see if the marriage was salvagable. The counselor told us he can tell in four sessions if the marriage should be saved.

We went together for the first, my ex went to the second, I went to the third and we were supposed to go together for the last and get the report. But at his alone session, he told the counselor he was unhappy and wanted out. He hadn't loved me for a long time and just didn't know how to tell me. I never understood that. A man who was career military, worked with weapons of all kinds, encountered gunfire, bombs, and bad guys couldn't face his petite little wife to tell her he didn't love her. Oh well - the years we both wasted not being honest.


I continued seeing the counselor, I am a self help kind of person. Always seeking the reasons for things, why I feel the way I do. How can I be better, feel better, look better? I knew I would need help recovering from this loss. I wanted to get rid of the pain. At the first visit I vividly remember how I felt. I went in and sat down on his comfy couch but I felt about 2 inches tall. I sat there and cried and talked about my life. I hadn't talked to anyone about how unhappy I was so I it just started spilling out. I had to verbalize the pain of loss, regret, disappointment of a long relationship.


I was really alone, not just he's away and will be back but alone for the first time in 30 years. How would I survive? Can I survive? Would I ever meet a man to love me again? Did I want to? What do I have to live for? All those thoughts went through my mind. No matter how irrational or unrealistic it sounded - it felt like the truth. It would be weeks before I started to believe I could make it through the dark tunnel of recovery. But on this day it is dark and I am searching for a sliver of light.


Keep calm and carry on.