The Box Step (2)

The house is quieter now and we barely speak. As the time went by, I was more and more aware of there being something missing in our relationship. I had felt this in 1983 (it is 2008) and I guess it never went away, I just ignored it. Hoping it would get better. But I was still beating my head against a wall. I used to blame the Navy for our problems but I believe now we never emotionally bonded (at least I don't think he did) and it was easy for him to be away from me and the family. I was too emotionally attached to him and I eventually lost myself.



Before I was married I was an independent, strong woman and gradually became nervous, self-conscience and afraid of life. I don't blame my ex but I ended up disappearing. I was wrapped up in the details of raising children and keeping a house running while he was away. Then when they were gone, the distance was as wide as a canyon. I became more withdrawn, he drank more. We didn't even talk about not talking. We just ignored it - hoping for I don't know what.



Then in early 2008 I just knew there was something going on. He was secretive - more than usual. All of the sudden he wanted a cell phone when he thought they were just a nusance. I felt he was hiding more than his smoking, which I always knew he did. Suddenly he is interested in going to work parties and cookouts but mysteriously I am not invited. Since my secret career wish was to be a detective, I knew I had to find out what was going on. Part of me didn't want to know but I had to. One evening when he was sleeping soundly I got his phone, went to the other side of the house and nervously searched his text messages. My heart was beating so fiercely I just knew he could hear it. Yes, I confirmed it - he had found another woman.


You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. Eleanor Roosevelt