The first Christmas as a family divided was the most difficult of my life. I don't care about putting up a tree or decorations. I was so terribly lonely on Christmas morning. No hussle and bussle of cooking and kids coming in and unwrapping presents. After a bit I go down to my mom's to see the rest of my family. I am so depressed and feel so isolated that I just can't get the spirit going. I go in the back and call my favorite male cousin who I am very close to. (not that type of close) He has gone through a divorce and has been helping me cope and lets me cry and complain about it all. He helps me get through the rest of the afternoon. My youngest child comes in with her husband. I know she went to see her dad first. That hurt. I felt she was choosing him over me. But looking back it was unfair to her for me to feel that way. She had a hard choice and made the best one she could. I have to stop thinking it is all about me. My children are in pain too. Divorce affects everyone. It is a huge elephant in the room and no one wants to talk about it. There is nothing to say, it will never be the same.
The calendar has turned to 2009. I'm glad the previous year is over. Maybe this one will be better. That is my prayer. I am still having to figure out how to get out the house. I know I need to start cleaning out extra stuff and things I can't keep but I just don't know where to begin. I am still struggling with moving forward. I look at my HOPESTEALERS(c) my counselor created. Which one fits? P for predicting the future? I do that all the time. S for should statements? Should I keep the house? If only I could've..... A for Acentuating the negative? But of course.
I don't contact my ex - he doesn't contact me so we are okay not talking. For me it keeps all the emotions stirred up if I do. I am so glad I don't have young children that we would have to move back and forth between households. I don't see how other mothers do that.
One day, early in January, I get a call from him. He wants to come to the house with our daughter. I am trying to be the Christian I have always tried to be so I say, of course. I try not to remember all those terrible things he said to me and about me before the divorce and how he doesn't want to help me keep the house. He comes in the door, and it feels strange. He's not a member of my family anymore. Is he a guest? What a wierd feeling. He tells me he is moving to Florida to help his mother.
He and the girlfriend broke up and he is staying with our daughter while waiting for enough money to move. The woman has a gambling problem and has spent all his money, even his retirement savings. He is leaving a good job he has had for 10 yrs and going with just the stuff in his truck. I am secretly glad he has left the woman. Maybe he is coming back to his senses. Funny, I kinda feel sorry for him. Part of me wants him to say he made a mistake, he loves me and wants to come back and work on our marriage. Boy, what a fantasy. A fairytale in my head. He walks around the house - that used to be his house - nervous to see me. There isn't much to say. What's to say? I have to accept the fact that he doesn't love me. He has made his choice and it's not me. I want both of us happy. I decide I can't be angry at him forever. That only hurts me.
We have dinner as a family once again and play a board game. We laugh and tease each other like we used to. We all act as if we are whole again. Before he left I pulled him aside and asked if I could talk to him alone one more time. I tell him I don't want to be enemies. He is the father of my children and I need to be able to reach him anytime I need to when it concerns the children. I don't want him to disappear and not let someone know where he is located. I tell him I accept that we don't love each other anymore. I wonder if he regrets not working on saving our marriage but deep down I know it was unsaveable. It was time for it to die.
He leaves in the early afternoon to head out of town. His truck is packed tight. He barely hugs the girls as he leaves. Why isn't he more affectionate with them? All a child wants from their parent is to be loved and accepted. I give him a hug as he is going out the door but he doesn't hug back. I watch as he drives out of the driveway and down the street knowing this could be the last time I ever see him. He is leaving my life. This is one of those moments you remember all your life. I am crying a little. I think to myself - I will be okay - I am getting stronger and God has a great plan for me.
I remember my counselor telling me I would know when I would begin to heal from the divorce. When I could tell him it was okay he didn't love me and I was strong enough to let him go. I feel stronger after this encounter. I survived it. It didn't kill me. I am thinking of the movie "The Way We Were". The ending scene when Katie sees Hubble across the street. They greet each other and talk for a moment. You know they are thinking as they look as each other - how they might still love each other but can't be together. They aren't their best selves when they are together. That is my goal. To be my best self. I love my ex because he is the father of my wonderful children but I don't love him enough to give myself away again, beg him to love me and not be my best self. I think I have done enough of that. I've stopped dying for him and now I am living for me.
I will never again beg a man to love me.
Look for joy in difficult times. Look beyond the pain and find purpose for your struggle.
No comments:
Post a Comment