As far back as I can remember, I have not been a positive person. That was normal. For those that know me well, this comes as no great shock. For those new people that meet me would find it hard to believe I was such a negative person. Part of me believes that this is a “flaw” in my DNA not an attitude I would choose. The other part believes it is due to being raised in a strict household and having a distant father. After reading several articles, books, etc. it is important for a girl to have a loving father who thinks she is beautiful, wonderful, the best there ever was. I don’t mean anything weird here just the day to day normal interactions with parent and child. My dad was a blue collar worker at a refinery that worked shifts. That made it hard for him to participate in family events like birthdays, outings, holidays. I got used to him being gone since he slept in the day and worked at night and vice versa every two weeks. He didn’t interact much with me, I won’t speak for my sisters. I just remember a quiet, shadow of a father who sat in his chair when he was not sleeping or working. Emotionally distant. That didn’t help my self-esteem as a young girl or as I got older.
Then I marry a man who was gone physically most of our marriage. I didn’t realize I had married a man like my dad until I was seeing a counselor early in our marriage for depression. I was so upset when I realized that. I thought I had a man so different from dad. But no. My negativity and depression was something my ex could not understand or deal with. Once I knew this I was able to hide it and bury it deep inside. My ex became more emotionally distant at the last. I was used to that but hated it anyway. The years go by, children grew up, I am divorced, and now I am starting over. Hmmm, what to do? What do I want? Where do I want to go? Who am I?
When I was seeking a counselor for divorce survival I was blessed to find the best in town. He had been married a long time, divorced, we had similar experiences with the end of our marriages and we seem to hit it off at the first visit. That was two years ago. In my previous chapters, I have described his CD series and provided a link to the website so you can check them out for yourself. In this chapter I want to try to explain how much the series helped me in addition to talking to my counselor. I have spoken to him and have his permission to talk about his technique without giving names or being too specific.
I’ve talked about the HOPESTEALERS© . I still use them today so I don’t fall into the same traps. Each letter stands for the mind games your brain plays when you are in pain from the love loss and are desparate to survive. With my past history of negativism these played a big part in helping me train my brain to change the way I think about my life today. There are 24 chapters and you end up listening to some of them over and over. He is very positive and encouraging, you can’t help but feel better. You feel like someone is on your side, understands how you feel, is reading your mind and wants you to succeed and heal from the pain.
I remember the first day I walked into his office with my ex. I was so worn down and I think in shock. He had a big overstuffed couch and I sat down. I remember feeling so small, so insignificant- like I was 2 inches tall. And so sad. All I could do is cry. My ex sat at the other end of the couch unemotional and was just there for me, not to save our marriage. We would only go together that one time, he decided he wanted out and was in love with the other woman, so I continued on my own. I wanted to feel better and get on with starting over.
About the 3rd or 4th week, I am not sure, he talked about the CD series. I am a self-help reader so I was willing to give it a try. I printed off the workbook that comes with the series and was ready to GOWI©. I guess deep down I knew I was a splintered person and would help coming back together. I am a care taker type of person. During the marriage and my ex was in the military I took care of him making a home, children, ensuring his uniform was always cleaned and pressed. I was proud of him and felt it reflected on me if he didn’t look his best. Out of four daughters I was the one my mother relyed on the most for anything she needed. When she was in failing health I decided to take her up on her offer and moved in with my parents to care for them and their needs. I took care of my children and even though they are grown with families of their own, I can’t help but feel like they won’t survive if I don’t care for them. I would neglect myself to care for another family member. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn’t have any balance.
As I listened to the teachings I needed to give myself permission to care of me now. I had done my job as a mother and everyone survived and are onto their own path in life. Even though my ex didn’t want to continue even by himself I felt I had to or I would be buried alive in the pain and despair and that “what now?” feeling. I had to make a life for myself whether that included another man or not. For the first time in my life I was responsible for just me. I was not used to that feeling or thought. I’ve never cared for just me. How do I do that?
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living. ~Tom O'Connor
Great chapter, Vicki. You have learned what I learned in therapy. My therapist told me that I had to take care of myself first or I would be unable to help anyone else when they needed it. That made sense to me, so I stopped trying to rescue every "fallen sparrow", outside my family. I learned that no one can intimidate you, without your consent, I learned that the actions, of any family member, has nothing to do with the self-worth of the remaining family members. I learned that the rest of the family could keep the name and make it a decent name, and worthy of respect. I accepted that we came here to learn and to grow, and that it is a lifetime proposition. At age 86 (on Feb. 27th), I am still learning. I learned that we are each responsible for our own happiness, and that I don't need anyone to complete me. When I came to that step, then I became completely free, and I felt a big load lifted off my shoulders. After my divorce (27 years married)I spent 4 years in group therapy. not to go backward but to go forward, find out what I wanted for my life, and hopefully to learn not to repeat any of the bad judgments I had made in my previous life. Friends would say they wished they could afford therapy, and my answer was "How can you not take action on something that will restart your life, and show you how to be a successful, independent and happier person? Sorry, didn't mean to usurp your blog, but thought this might be helpful for some of your readers. Much love, Aunt Ina
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