The End

I have decided to end this blog and begin a new chapter. I am not looking back any more, I  must move forward. On my next blog I will talk about my life now and positive messages. Please join me in "Chapter Two". Take care and if you are going through a divorce I wish you happiness, self discovery and a new life. It is out there, keep moving forward and ask for help if you need  it.



It is never, never too late to be happy.

Reflections (31)

I have been in this relationship for six months now and am still very happy. My guy is terrific and is so very good to me and for me. Treats me like I have wanted to be treated all of my life. Sometimes I feel cheated that it took so long for me to find my 'prince' but I know that this is just how my life's path was to be. This man was not in my sphere 30 yrs ago so there was no way to meet him. This is the time in our lives when we were to find each other. Maybe we wouldn't have liked each other when we were younger, not been able to appreciate each other.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the last couple of years and how my life is turning out. For the first time I am glad I am divorced from my ex. We were just not good for each other and it was time to say good bye to a dead relationship. I would have never met my current love if I has stayed in the quicksand of a bad marriage. I was such a different person I barely remember her and I know there are some that would not know me now.The struggle to save a marriage and be the person he wanted me to be had worn me down so far that I am still amazed I was able to come back from the "death" of the marriage. But I was blessed to meet my current man and I am so grateful he has been patient with me and let me grow more in our relationship and now I don't know how I lived without him.

One of my favorite movies is "Shirley Valentine". If you have seen it you will know what I mean when I say, "I fell in love with myself."  I have discovered I am a great person; loving, caring, good looking, very happy and a good mother.

I am blessed and grateful.


Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don't unravel.  ~Author Unknown

Babies Are Us (30)

Update on the new grandchildren. My oldest daughter had her baby girl on Sept 19th. She is very sweet and growing so quickly. My middle child should find out in about 2-3 weeks what gender her baby is and due in mid February. My youngest child is due Jan 11 and is having a boy. How excited I am. So much to get done. I like to make a gift box for keepsakes, a small quilt for the floor and a couple of cross stitch items. So this grandma has a busy several months ahead.

My mother would love all this. She just loved babies and watching them grow and develop. I am excited to be holding the new little ones and seeing them grow. I am very blessed and having fun.

Mama, He's Crazy (He's Crazy Over Me) (29)

My guy keeps telling me how much he loves me, how he falls deeper in love with me every day. That is the best thing to hear. I am not used to hearing that said and I never get tired of it. He is so wonderful to me and I love him more and more as time goes by.

Not that every day has been rosy and wonderful. He doesn’t like how I spend my money but that is only because he wants me to learn to be cautious and save as much as possible for our future. I understand that, but it will still rub me the wrong way. Being single now and able to make my own decisions about my spending, it is hard for me to have someone criticize what I do. He is right, I need to be saving for all the things we want to do together.

Another overshadowing fact of our life is his injury from about a year ago; he is pain most of the time and I know that affects how he sleeps, speaks to me and our extracurricular activities. There are bad days and good days. I have to say, the good days are becoming more and more frequent.

We have been together for six months but I feel like I have know him for years. We are happy together, in sync and “fit” together. I have never had a relationship like this and it is wonderful to finally have a man truly love me, for me. I have found the man of my dreams, my hopes and my prayers. 

 I have found the one my heart loves…. Song of Solomon 3:4

  

Interesting footnote: I was emailed on FB by a random guy asking me if he could contact me for a date. He was my age, seemed normal. I got great pleasure in telling him I am engaged and not available. Then, a guy I dated at the first of this year accidently called me. He got my number mixed up with a business contact. He asked about me and I was able to again say I have found a great guy and am very happy. Nice to be "the one that got away".

I Must Have Done Something Good (28)

For the first time in a long time me, and my girls are in happy relationships. My oldest daughter has been married for about 4 yrs to a great guy. Her first marriage was not so good. The only thing good from it was my first grandson - who I adore. She met her current husband in high school and dated but for some reason they split, she hooked up with another guy and got married. When that marriage ended, she and guy #1 re-connected and knew they should have been together always. They are very happy and are having their second child this fall. I am excited, my first granddaughter.

My second child had rocky dating experiences and then was married a short time. I think she closed herself off for awhile, afraid to be  hurt again. But God had other plans. She has met a great guy and they seem to be very much in love. They are having a child next February -- this after years of her being told she could never had children. So this is definitely a God miracle. I am excited for her and her new man.

My third child was married younger than I wanted but it has worked out well for them. They are very happy and expecting their first child. This was a surprise but I think they are ready. She is very nurturing and will be great as a mother. I hope it is a girl, she loves to dress up and fix hair and dance and sing.

Actually, each of my girls are and will be great mothers. They are loving, gentle women who are very much their own person but also know how to care for others. That is how I was brought up and that is how I raised them. To be kind, gentle, caring, fair, honest, and let love in so love can be given to others.

Soon I will know what the two other babies will be so I can start sewing and buying gender appropriate gifts. I think of my mother more often now, she loved babies and would be so excited for each of my children. I like to think about her holding the babies as they grow and she is telling them her life story so they will know they come from a long line of great women. She is rocking them to sleep and will kiss their cheek just before they enter our world so they will know they are loved by a wonderful great-grandmother. They will have a wonder in their eyes as they look at their mommies and my girls will know their grandmother sent their babies on their way to grow to be strong and loving.

My world is growing more and more. Love has come to me in many ways and I am giving love back - to my  new man, my children, and to my grandchildren. With all these blessings I must have done something good. I am grateful.


Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts. Author Unknown

My Everything (27)

My life is getting better and better. I am so in love with this man. I couldn't asked for a better match. We both feel God has put us together, we just wish it would've been a lot sooner. But I am grateful for this moment in time and we are planning on spending our life together. I have grown so much in the past two years and am free of the "baggage" of the past and am building a future with my man.  He is my everything and I know he feels the same about me. I love the way he loves me and God has shown me that life is worth living again especially when you are loved and are able to love again.

We are to marry next Spring and I am excited to be his wife. I know it is early but I am planning already. We have the venue chosen and I have priced cakes and but I know there are things I can do myself. I will make as simple dress, make a bouquet, all the reception details except I will need a friend to make sure the cake is picked up and punch made for serving. This will be my last wedding (I helped with all three of my daughters wedding details) and then my wedding planner days are over.

I am in love for the last time in my life. I am complete and totally one with this man of mine. My soul is full and I am finally content with my life. This is where I am supposed to be, I am home.


The past is behind us, love is in front and all around us. ~Terri Guillemets

I Know What Love Is (26)

Things are still going great with my man and me. I have moved in with him at his house and we are getting along very well. We have been talking about a wedding date - we've talked about this Fall and next Spring, no hurry. I want my daughter who lives in Phoenix to be here so that will determine the date.

I have discovered that love is very hard to define. After the first months of being together we have become very comfortable with each other; there is a calmness in my heart; an unconditional acceptance that I can't describe. He honestly likes me and I like him. That makes love easy - as it should be. We have a lot in common and enjoy each others company. He tells me how much he loves me every day and we love pillow talk.

About 3 weeks ago I got very sick from something I ate. My man held my head while I was sick, gave me ice to eat and cold rags for my head. So caring and comforting. I am not used to that kind of attention.

Then recently I fell off a curb, sprained my ankle and banged up my face. He was so caring, kind, gentle and attentive - something else I am not used to. That is a way of loving another person and I am so very fortunate, blessed, lucky, whatever you want to call it - to love this man and have him loving me.


You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. ~Dr. Seuss

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend (25)

My guy surprised me last week with an engagement ring. He even got down on one knee and proposed. Gave me a bouquet of flowers and put the ring on my finger. What a guy! This has been a quick courtship and I am very happy. We both felt the chemistry from the beginning and know that this love is for real. I feel at home when I am with him and he makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world. We have a lot in common and are very excited about our future together. We haven't decided when we will make it official, just taking one day at a time for now. We have made a commitment to each other and that is the important part for now.

Life can change so quickly. Two years ago I was going through the quagmire of divorce, one year ago I was mourning my mothers passing and today I am engaged to a wonderful man. I had no idea life would be this good again. But God had a plan for my life and I just needed to be patient and let Him have His way with me.

I am happy for the first time in years and look forward to a great life with this man. He is also thankful and glad to have me in his life and likes to tell me often how much I mean to him. He has been alone for many years waiting for me. And miraculously we found each other.

So -- I survived my divorce to live and love again after all.  I will let you know when the wedding date is set.


There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved.  It is God's finger on man's shoulder.  ~Charles Morgan

What is Love? (24)

How do you know if it is the real thing? How do you know if you are in love? I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. You see, I am in love for the first time in my life. When I married my ex in 1977 I was young, naive and thought I had to be married to make my life complete. I am glad I did because I have three great children and two grandchildren that I would not have otherwise. Life has forced me to examine my life. I am different now and had time to reflect, especially over the past two years. Now I know what I want and what I don’t want.

Love should feel good. Relationships that leave you feeling depleted, sad and making excuses are not based in love. I believed in the fairy tale ending. When reality set in I didn’t know what to do. The stories didn’t tell what happened to Cinderella when she woke up the morning after the wedding and the details of marriage began. I was clinging to the romance part of the story. I fooled myself into thinking I could make it all work but found I was stuck in a marriage that was never meant to last.

There is a peaceful quality to this love I have found that penetrates my inner core, touching a part of me that has always been there. When we are together, I am filled with warmth and a peace I have been searching for since I was a child. I don’t have to prove anything to him. He accepts me as I am and I can be myself at all times, no change required. He has helped me love myself and accept his love. When he looks at me, he truly sees me – I am not invisible anymore. I never felt my ex saw me. I didn’t feel accepted and deep down, truly loved. Today, I don’t feel anxious, needy or nervous. I am strong and this love I have has shown me that I am and always have been worthy of love.

I want to always feel this way but I know that life is change and there are no promises. I take one day at a time. Today I am loved, cherished, adored, accepted, and seen by the one I love. I am happy and in love for the first and hopefully the last time of my life. I have found the real thing and my search is over.


Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy (23)

It's not the length of life, but the depth of life.


In my last chapter,  I mentioned meeting a local man through the Zoosk dating site. We have seen each other often since our first meeting and things are progressing nicely. We have a lot in common and have become very close in a short amount of time. Without telling all my secrets, I want to tell you how I feel about this man.

The last two years have been a big learning experience for me, to say the least. At the time of the divorce I didn't think or believe I could ever find another man to be in my life. But I have worked on myself and been very determined to make my life better and leave the sadness, regret, and disappointment behind. There is no time to be angry, sad, and regretful or backwards looking. I am moving forward and I am very close to being the person I am supposed to be. I haven't been this happy in a very long time. The only thing I wish is that my mom was here to see that I survived the pain of divorce and came through that dark tunnel.

As I began dating several months ago, I wrote down my criteria for what I wanted to find in a mate. This man has them all (and then some) and I am just as surprised as the next person that I have found a man that I could love so quickly. At first, I was meeting him to just be open and have another "growth relationship". The first meeting/date was good, we talked a lot and he was very nice. There was something about him and the way he looked at me. I wasn't sure if I was seeing something that wasn't there because I wanted to or if we genuinely had chemistry and wanted to pursue the relationship. The second date was better. He kissed me on the cheek when I left and I felt a "zing" through my body. I thought it might be the chill of the evening breeze but I couldn't get him out of my mind.

He is very spiritual and believes deeply in God and that was also important for me. We are able to talk about anything and that was another item on my list. He truly cares for me and it not shy about telling me. The words are wonderful to hear and I am starting to believe them. We are just entering our relationship so I know there will be ups and downs. But I am not concentrating on the downs - right now things are great. I am thankful and blessed to have him in my life.

For all you men out there, I have cancelled all my dating site subscriptions and am very happy to not be searching online anymore. I will let you know how things go. Whew! Thank goodness I won't have to go to the prison rodeo to meet a man.


It is never too late, never too late to start over, never too late to be happy. Jane Fonda

I Just Haven’t Met You Yet (22)

This chapter title is a song that Michael Buble sings on his Crazy Love CD. The words are perfect for people dating. Here is the first part of the song, but you need to hear all of it ----

Haven't Met You Yet
I'm not surprised,
Not everything lasts,
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in,
I talk myself out,
I get all worked up,
Then I let myself down,
I tried so very hard not to lose it;
I came up with a million excuses,
I thought I thought of every possibility,
And I know some day that it’ll all turn out,
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out,
And I promise you kid that I give so much more than I get --
I just haven't met you yet.


The experiment continues. After a suggestion from someone I check out the personals listings on Craigslist.com. Very entertaining. Some of the posts are amazing, some are just weird. I read one from a guy that said “mountain man wanting woman to work since I don’t. Chop wood, keep house”. He even posted a photo. Looked like a grizzly, old mountain man. Yea, I’m going to answer that one. Anyway, I don’t chop wood.

I scan the ones in my age range and find a simple post from an older man that sounds interesting, not a psycho. I respond and we email a few times and decide to meet. We meet for lunch at a restaurant of my choice. We sit for a couple of hours just talking and getting to know each other. He called me a couple of days later and we went out several times. He was a mature, kind, educated man with a good job and a beautiful home. When he decided he just didn’t have time for a woman in his life (then why did he post a message?), we left as friends. I know I could call him if I ever needed anything.

A couple of months later, I found another interesting post on Craigslist. It was very creative and intriguing. It read like a chapter from a romance novel. I am a sucker for romance so I had to respond. We emailed a few times, spoke on the phone, and then met at a restaurant nearby. He didn’t look like what I expected but I don’t judge a person on their looks, it’s the inside that counts. We sat and talked for a long time. He was funny, good conversation, I thought I would give it a chance. We went out a few times and things are going okay. We are still seeing each other but not as often as I would like. He is a retail manager, so he doesn’t get much time off. I don’t know where this is going; it may turn out to be a “growth relationship”. Just have to see.

I go back to the internet. I may be naïve, but I keep thinking a good man is out there. I have realized I don’t need a man to make me happy, but I would like to have a relationship with a kind, honest, affectionate man. I communicate with more options online but no one a keeper. I talk to a few more men from all over the map. This is a note about photo posting. Hey guys – no hats, sunglasses, other women in the photo over 18, your high school or driver’s license photo. Variety is good; and don’t just post the photo of you in your war reenactment photo. And make sure they aren’t more than 2 yrs old.

As my internet dating experience grows, I am noticing patterns. If you have ever read postings on dating sites, a person posts their city/state. You would think people would be honest but they aren’t. I am an honest person and wouldn’t think about lying on purpose. A person can say they are from “New York”, “Chicago”, or Timbuktu but I have found out that means nothing. Eventually the truth comes out. As I said before, there are crooks everywhere. W. Africa, UK, and Spain are popular locations. The person talks, tells you he is honest (don’t know the meaning of the word), says he is really interested in you and wants to meet. Reeling you in with flowery words, saying just the right things. Then you find out they are just using you. Eventually they ask for some kind of financial support. I’ve heard “my child is sick”, “I lost my wallet”, “I have spent all the cash I brought and need help getting my stuff out of customs”, actually not very creative.

When I say I don’t loan money – all of the sudden their “feelings” are history and the guilt begins. I just say no and stop communicating. It actually becomes a let down. You think “hey this might be someone I want to know and meet”, but it is ruined by uncaring, unscrupulous men looking for only money.

I envision a large room, banks of computers and phones with each one manned by a guy looking for lonely, single women. I know that finding the love of my life online is a shot in the dark but I keep hoping and throwing my fishing pole into the sea of men. If nothing else I have learned a lot and maybe it will help other women know what to avoid, how to stay safe.

Another site that I have visited but it is pretty low tech is Zoosk. That is Facebooks dating site. I was contacted by a local man recently. We have been out a couple of times. Since we are just getting started there isn’t much to tell. He is a widower, 2 grown sons, works a good job. He is nice, good conversation, a gentleman. He tells me he likes being around me but I can’t decide how I feel about him. Dating is complicated and takes a lot of effort. I will keep you posted on what happens next.



The only mistake is not to risk making one.

Somewhere, Out There (21)

When I first began getting contacted on the various sites, it was exciting and very flattering. Eventually I put my profile on Yahoo Personals. That is an interesting site and affordable. In the first week I was contacted by about 10 men from all over. It seemed difficult to find a man in my own town. They were from everywhere but my city. That is frustrating. As that site winds down I try Singlesnet.com. Not a bad site. I like the set up. After being on several sites, I seem to be recognizing men. They have also been on multiple sites. I begin to think I am not going to find ‘the one’ online.

Would I have more luck sitting at a Starbucks? Trawling a grocery store for a helpless male shopper? Prison rodeo (my cousin suggested that venue)? I am running out of ideas. I begin to think – I need to meet flesh and blood men, not just online men. I think some of them get a photo online and it is not really theirs. That would be easy to do. After several contacts asked me for money and I could see a pattern I began to investigate online scams.

I found a website that you can check to see if anyone else has had a similar experience with the man. If you are suspicious, romancescams.org is a good site to check an email or photo. You can see if anyone recognizes the email address. You can also post the photo(s) you have received to see if they are used under another name. Also, I figured out how to see what their IP address is. There is a site IP Whosis that lets you put in the IP address and see where the person is located. That can confirm your suspicions or just let you know where the person is really located. I know it sounds sneaky and cynical but you have to be careful and protect yourself. I want to protect my heart just as I would protect my identity.

What has fascinated me is why so many men are in W. Africa doing construction. You would think there are lots of jobs here in the US. I felt the men needed to all get together so they would have friends. There seem to be patterns to these men. Usually widowed, have a child that is with them, a couple has said their children live with relatives in another country. Their occupation is construction, engineering, import/export, or antiques. Then as time goes by and we have talked for awhile, they start talking about the inability to get their goods from customs or their child is sick.

I had one guy tell me his child was dying from malaria unless they got a blood transfusion. I researched online about malaria treatments. None of them say anything about transfusions. Some of them must think I am really stupid. When I refuse to send money they start the guilt talk which doesn’t work on me. I had three kids that couldn’t guilt me into things so these guys can’t either. Some of the stories they come up with to get you to send money. REMEMBER: Don’t ever send money to anyone you have never met.

I suppose at this point you must think I am getting desperate about finding a man. I am not. I am a hopeful romantic and I want the fairy tale ending.


I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone. ~Javan

Fools Rush In (20)

I didn’t like dating when I was younger. Guess that is one reason I married too quickly; didn’t give enough thought to the impact of marriage. I wanted a career but thought I would miss out if I didn’t get married. But that is the choice I made and for awhile I was happy with my decision. I am moving forward now, not looking back. Maybe I wanted to date earlier than most divorcees but I had been lonely for many years so it felt okay to think about dating and maybe finding another love sooner than later.

Okay, I have completed the CD series, feel better and stronger about life and am ready to try dating again. I don’t do the bar scene and my Sunday School class is mostly women so what to do? I tried dance lessons – no luck there. I realized it is a real challenge to meet a good, single man who wants a long term relationship as I do. I decide to try the Internet dating sites. Never did I know that when I reached my age I would consider meeting a man on the Internet.

Before I began surfing – I did take precautions to protect myself, identity wise. I invested in Life Lock to make sure my identity would be protected. I read about talking to people on the internet and made sure I followed the “rules”. I will be careful about not sharing personal information - check. I won't reveal anyone’s name but my own - check. I won't give out my address- check.

Now I am ready to start looking around. Hmm so many choices, where to go first.

The first site I tried was Eharmony.com. Rather expensive but I tried it off on and on for almost a year. Talked to a few men, but nothing came about except one guy. I contacted him and we went out about 3 times. He was a nice person but there was just wasn't any chemistry (maybe he should have been on Chemistry.com). I decided to end it and not waste either persons time. I was nice about it but I don't think he was happy when I stopped seeing him.

I tried Chemistry.com; Match.com (over rated); Christiansingles.com; free trials of True Singles.com. 
One day a guy contacted me through my MySpace page. He sounded great. His photo looked like a body builder; very good looking. We started talking and things went pretty well. I was skeptical because I kept thinking why would such a good looking man be unable to find someone in his large city?

We talked for several weeks and then he finally told me he was overseas in W. Africa digging for gold and diamonds. He was an archeologist. Really? Hmm, sounds odd. Eventually we talk on the phone. He didn’t sound like an American. He has an accent I can’t figure out.

Then, the deal breaker --- he asks me for money ‘to get his goods from customs’. Yeah, right. I tell him I can’t do that. How come all of the sudden he doesn’t have money. This doesn’t make sense. He says his check is not in US money. What? How stupid does he think I am? I decide to end the conversations.

This scenario would happen several times over as the months went by and others contacted me. I thought this dating thing would be easier now that I am older and wiser but I didn’t know how many con men and crazies would be out there. Turns out to be a very interesting way of finding and learning about men plus I will have all kinds of “growth relationships.” There will be many lessons learned. This is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined.


The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert Ellis

Arrivederci (19)

There are so many good subjects covered in the G.O.W.I(c) series that you need to learn for yourself. If you are interested in purchasing and completing the series, please go to the website link listed in the previous post #7 The Quick Step. The last thing I will discuss is how I was able to say goodbye to someone I had known for more than 30 years.

If I was to let another man into my life I had to get my ex out of my head, heart, and life (at least the day to day stuff). As I said before, I feel fortunate I don't have young children to share so I don't have to hear from him or see him unless there is a need. So far after a year there has been only one need (when the house was in transition). I got over my obsession with my ex pretty quickly. I guess that is because we were separated so much by his career. When he wasn't physically with me, I knew he was gone and just didn't look for him. But I still had to get him out of my heart.

A love loss addiction steals your ability to concentrate on non-relationship pursuits. I would sit and dwell on the events and that kept me from pursuing my crafts, reading, friends and family. I had to stop imagining that he was sitting there thinking about me. He wasn't thinking about me. He had made that clear when he left me for another. It was robbing my identity, my personality, my joy. It disrupted all relationships I did have and laid waste to my potential. Dwelling on him was a dead end road to despair, weakness, waste, worthlessness, and general misery. I had to stop thinking of him constantly. I wasn't going to get him back and deep down I didn't want him. I knew I was over being miserable and thrown away. I just had to make sure he was gone for good and needing him would not resurface in the future. My victory would be discovering myself and getting ME back. My relationship couldn't continue in the state it was in. We didn't have anything in common except our children. He had compulsive habits that I couldn't deal with so it needed to be over. I had to declare my independence!

I did the thought stopping exercise. First I got rid of all reminders of my ex in my home. Photos, clothes, food, gifts from him, anything that reminded me of him. I had to replace the thoughts of him with other thoughts that had nothing to do with him. I made a list of thoughts I had about him on one side of a page and the replacement thought on the other side. One side said Where is he living? Where did he meet her? Did he bring her to my house? How will I live? On the other side I wrote, I don't care where he is living. It doesn't matter where he met her. I can't control if he brought her to the house, it doesn't matter anymore. One thing I did when I couldn't stop thinking about him and seeing him in my head was look at my photo album from my trip to Italy in 2006. I would look at my photos and see myself standing on the bridge in Florence watching the beautiful sunset. Or the photo of me standing in the Colosseum in Rome and imaging all the events that took place there so many centuries ago. I would feel peaceful again and could feel the sun on my face. Or I would imagine sitting with my grandchildren reading or watching them play. They are such a joy and it is too bad my ex doesn't get to see them as often as I do. When he left I don't think he knew what he was giving up for her. He lost more than I did.

I pictured his name on a giant rock I had on my shoulder and then I would smash it on the street. What did he give me I couldn't get from others? I had to remember that when I was alone and he was on the other side of the world, I was able to take care of myself and three small children. I was capable of surviving. This was the same, I didn't like it - but I could do it. I am proud of myself for surviving those years and have three terrific girls to show for it.

My aunt was so smart. She knew I was not happily married and when she decided to go to Italy to see her son she asked if I wanted to go as her traveling companion. She also knew I had always wanted to travel so I was so grateful and excited that she chose me. My first trip without husband, kids, phones, or any interruptions. The experience helped me examine my life and what I wanted it to be. I knew I was miserable and had to make a change. I didn't know those 10 days would get me through the terrible weeks, months and years of divorce recovery. It opened my eyes to the big world of possibilities and I began to think differently about myself and my situation. I was stronger than I ever thought. I had disappeared over the course of a long marriage. I was invisible to him. I had forgotten who I was. I am a terrific, smart, and funny woman. Any man would be happy to know me. I felt like a phoenix coming back to life. I had endured and survived and now I needed to live. The fear of being single was better than knowing I was settling for an unhappy life.

I had to develop activities and interests that I had forgotten about when you are raising a family. To defeat loneliness I had to keep my mind from ballooning with how irrational things are. I know very well how bad moods are hard to resist. But I had the courage to get out of a bad marriage and I would survive the aftershocks. Living well is the best revenge. It is vital to put the pain behind and move forward with my life and find a new love. Someone is out there looking for me too. Otherwise I have given up my power to the person who had hurt me. I will rise up and live my life! I will live free!


Bravery is the fruit of a thousand hardships - Philippine proverb

Still Learning (18)

Even as I started feeling better, I would have down times. I struggled with the pain and anger, then depression and anxiety. What a roller coaster our emotions can be and I hate roller coasters. I am proud to say I kept fighting through those dark days. I had to. What is the alternative? After all I am my mother’s daughter – a McDonald girl – and that’s what we do.

I had to get my power back that was lost so long ago. I had to realize my emotions were fickle. I’m not worthless, undesirable, ugly. I had to learn to like myself again. My life is worth something. It takes two to make a relationship and one to leave it. I can’t get upset at things I can’t control. It wasn’t my fault I was cheated on. That’s what he did, not something I made him do. If he wanted someone else that is his loss because he can’t have me and do that. I’m going to respect myself.

As I examine the stages of recovery I see that I am still going through the final ones. I’ve passed through Shock, Denial, Protest, Bargaining, Dispair, Identification, Improvement but I haven’t reached the feelings of Success and Happiness. As I read the list again, they resemble the stages of grief after going through a death. Divorce is a death of a relationship and the longer you are married, the longer the grief. Being married 30+ years I am still processing it all after two years. I am not as deep in the canyon when it first happened but I am not completely out either.

I can look back and realize what I was attached to was not my ex but what he gave me. The need to live and survive is bigger than the person I thought I needed. The marriage was gone a long time ago and we had become ghosts to one another. Now was the time for me to put together a life and find meaning. The love lost had a purpose - for me it was to find my best self. When it all comes apart and you can’t stand it, know that it must end. The pain is worth it and the sun will shine once more. I had given up my true self to have him and I never really had him at all.

The worst power stealer is the internalization of the belief that I must be loved by someone. But I am human and want companionship, love, intimacy, maybe be married again. Now that the pain is better and I am in my own mind I can determine what I want and what I don’t out of a relationship. My counselor says that all relationships are “growth relationships”. Okay, I have grown from the first one (whether I wanted to or not) and am ready to try another. But I am 30 years older and the world of dating has really changed.

The fear of trying to find another relationship made me stay in one much longer than I should have. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I always felt I was begging him to love me and that killed both of our spirits. He couldn’t love me enough and I didn’t accept what he could give. I was trying to fill a hole inside that was never going to be filled. I have to fill it with loving myself first. I know now that no man owes me love. It is not in my control and can’t make a man love me. I am not defined by who loves me, I am defined by what I do and choose to love. I have to stop telling myself no one would ever love me. So what if I don’t find a man to love me. I will have to be okay with that. I may not like it but that doesn’t keep me from dating and having “growth relationships”.

I don’t know what is down the road and in my future. I like to believe that I was not meant to be alone forever. But I am not a psychic so I have to live every day, keep moving forward, look for opportunities for new people in my life and survive. That is the only way to get to the Thriving part of my journey.



Heal the past, Live the present, Dream the future.

Learning to THRIVE Part II (17)

When I think back to the first days of my divorce it is almost like trying to remember having a child (for us women out there). After you know the pain of that first baby, why would you want to go through it again? Somehow God or Mother Nature takes the memory of the pain away and you don’t remember saying you would never go through that ordeal again. For you men out there it is a little like pushing a watermelon out through an opening the size of a grape.

But I have worked through the terrible pain and physical exhaustion of a divorce and given birth to a new me. After two years I have to refer to my GOWI© notebook and journals I kept at the time. I hate it when someone says “time heals all wounds” but I guess it is true with an emotional pain whether it be divorce or death. The pain has subsided and I am better than I was so many months ago. For all you out there that are beginning your healing know that it does get better even though you don’t believe it today. I had to learn new things and train my brain and emotions in a different dance to get to where I am today. So I will begin at the beginning. Not only finding a good counselor is important, but I contacted friends and family for emotional support and without each of them I would not be a better, stronger person. I received positive messages and great support that still means a lot to me. I would print the messages and put them in my diary so I could re-read them when I would feel down and in need of something positive. Don't close yourself to friends and family that might be able to help you through the dark days.

Remember I said when I first started counseling I felt sooo small. Just a tiny person in a great big world that I thought had no place for me. I remember feeling that way long before the divorce. I may have been having that same feeling since I was a born, I don’t know. I never felt like I fit in, was noticed by anyone. I didn’t have many friends and if I did have any it was not a large number. I don’t blame my parents, they were busy with other children, working to maintain an income and did their best with what they knew. I am just telling you how I felt whether it is reality or not.

When I began the CD series I wrote down what my emotions were telling me. For example: I will be alone forever; No one will ever want me; I am too old to start over; No one will ever really love me. As I went through the series and the counseling, slowly I began to realize that these were all untrue. I had to learn how to keep my emotions from lying to me and start telling the truth. First I learned why humans love and why it sometimes ends. There are 4 primary drives of the human heart. First to survive, then connection, accomplishing a unique mission and last, wholeness. When my ex and I met together with our counselor, he checked our relationship for these 4 qualities. We failed. He didn’t tell me that for awhile but failure means the relationship needs to end unless both of us wanted to work at building it back. Since my ex didn’t want to it was best for us to divorce and move on. It took two to fail so I don’t give him all the blame. We both had given up, just at different times. Neither of us was brave enough to say 'I want out'.

After a few weeks, when the shock and fog settled down, I discovered my counselor was right. I had never felt wholeness, a blissful feeling of being with my man. So failure of the marriage was inevitable. When one of you gives up, it’s over if you don’t fight to save it. I had to face the truth that we had a decaying realationship but that was a difficult task for me. I don’t give up easily. Neither of us were fulfilled. I was tired of living in a crumbling relationship so I had to say goodbye to him in my heart and start building a new life. For the task of removing him from my heart this is where prayer helped me. For you non-believers you can skip this portion. I kept praying that God take the yearning from my heart so it could heal and become healthly. My heart finally let go of him and I was able to think about the possibility of finding another relationship. My counselor would say ‘there is purpose in the pain.’ I decided it was my ex’s loss and I can’t make him love me. I had to keep saying to myself ‘you don’t get to be with me anymore.’

Now, I will admit in the beginning I was a basket case. I couldn’t believe that he had given up so quickly, but I didn’t know at that time he had given up years before. He just – didn’t tell me. He wanted me to find out so he didn’t have to tell me. Adultry is not about sex or romance, ultimately it is about how little we mean to one another. I thought I was the one who had given up years before and I was afraid of hurting his feelings. Imagine that. At least I would have left out of just wanting a better life, not that I had found another man. That was never a consideration - I was sad, downtrodden, who would want me? When I finally found out he had another woman and was leaving, I cried, I screamed, I was very angry (never in front of him, except the crying). I felt cheated, disappointed, fearful, stupid, ugly, hated, left behind. I could go on and on. I did not think clearly for months. I was in a daze, doing things automatically so I could cope with all that was happening. How could he leave the woman who had given him children, kept a home when he was gone for so many years, given up her life for his career? Where was my reward?

As I listened to the CDs I would feel better. I listened to them over and over. At bedtime, in the car, doing dishes, whenever I could. I didn’t have to write anything down all the time, just get the words into my head. I made posters of favorite statements and put them where I would see them often. I had to learn to capture the good thoughts and weed out the negative. The HOPESTEALERS© helped greatly and I still use them today. Instead of feeling like I would never be loved I had to think “I was loved before, I will be loved again.” My goal became being my best self, not love and marriage. If I am my best, then the best man will come into my life. I had to start valuing myself as a person. I had to ignore my ex’s behavior, not care where he might be (even though he lived very close by for a short time), concentrate on me. Life will get better, I will find someone to love me in a better way. The hurt will stop. Until then I am okay; I don’t have to have someone right now. I am not ready and I need to be at my best.

Growth comes through failure. I was not promised a perfect life. I had to do my best and screw the rest!! I can’t control what people do or say. Live and Learn, but Live! Like Auntie Mame (for you younger people, check out this classic movie with Rossaland Russell). There is a lot right with me and I will not believe what my ex says about me. I smiled when I didn’t feel like it. I had to counteract the negativity and for me this was a constant battle. Emotions aren’t reality. Regret is a wasted emotion. The real me is down there and I will battle out of the canyon of despair and come out whole.

After being raised in a strict, Christian home I needed to learn to relax. That is a big task for me. My children say I don’t know how to have fun but they don’t know everything about me either. But, they were right in some ways. I was too rigid, too ‘stuffy’ and needed to learn to breathe and be happy with myself. So I had to begin thinking about what I wanted my life to be about. Instead of listening the the tape in my head of my mother telling me what to do, I decided I would start listening more to my heart and my head to live my life. I had to tell myself constantly that I am a good person, not a flawed, nervous, ugly person. There are wonderful things about me and if someone finds them I need to accept them and not say to myself, “They only want something. They don’t mean it.” Now I refuse to seal myself off in a place of despair. I am choosing to believe that good things will happen to me. I stay with reality. I will make room in my heart for another. I won’t hurt forever. Within my grasp is the capacity to grow. It’s the beginning of a new life.


 
Courage is to feel the daily daggers of relentless steel and keep on living. ~Douglas Malloch

Learning to THRIVE – Part 1 (16)

As far back as I can remember, I have not been a positive person. That was normal. For those that know me well, this comes as no great shock. For those new people that meet me would find it hard to believe I was such a negative person. Part of me believes that this is a “flaw” in my DNA not an attitude I would choose. The other part believes it is due to being raised in a strict household and having a distant father. After reading several articles, books, etc. it is important for a girl to have a loving father who thinks she is beautiful, wonderful, the best there ever was. I don’t mean anything weird here just the day to day normal interactions with parent and child. My dad was a blue collar worker at a refinery that worked shifts. That made it hard for him to participate in family events like birthdays, outings, holidays. I got used to him being gone since he slept in the day and worked at night and vice versa every two weeks. He didn’t interact much with me, I won’t speak for my sisters. I just remember a quiet, shadow of a father who sat in his chair when he was not sleeping or working. Emotionally distant. That didn’t help my self-esteem as a young girl or as I got older.

Then I marry a man who was gone physically most of our marriage. I didn’t realize I had married a man like my dad until I was seeing a counselor early in our marriage for depression. I was so upset when I realized that. I thought I had a man so different from dad. But no. My negativity and depression was something my ex could not understand or deal with. Once I knew this I was able to hide it and bury it deep inside. My ex became more emotionally distant at the last. I was used to that but hated it anyway. The years go by, children grew up, I am divorced, and now I am starting over. Hmmm, what to do? What do I want? Where do I want to go? Who am I?

When I was seeking a counselor for divorce survival I was blessed to find the best in town. He had been married a long time, divorced, we had similar experiences with the end of our marriages and we seem to hit it off at the first visit. That was two years ago. In my previous chapters, I have described his CD series and provided a link to the website so you can check them out for yourself. In this chapter I want to try to explain how much the series helped me in addition to talking to my counselor. I have spoken to him and have his permission to talk about his technique without giving names or being too specific.

I’ve talked about the HOPESTEALERS© . I still use them today so I don’t fall into the same traps. Each letter stands for the mind games your brain plays when you are in pain from the love loss and are desparate to survive. With my past history of negativism these played a big part in helping me train my brain to change the way I think about my life today. There are 24 chapters and you end up listening to some of them over and over. He is very positive and encouraging, you can’t help but feel better. You feel like someone is on your side, understands how you feel, is reading your mind and wants you to succeed and heal from the pain.

I remember the first day I walked into his office with my ex. I was so worn down and I think in shock. He had a big overstuffed couch and I sat down. I remember feeling so small, so insignificant- like I was 2 inches tall. And so sad. All I could do is cry. My ex sat at the other end of the couch unemotional and was just there for me, not to save our marriage. We would only go together that one time, he decided he wanted out and was in love with the other woman, so I continued on my own. I wanted to feel better and get on with starting over.

About the 3rd or 4th week, I am not sure, he talked about the CD series. I am a self-help reader so I was willing to give it a try. I printed off the workbook that comes with the series and was ready to GOWI©. I guess deep down I knew I was a splintered person and would help coming back together. I am a care taker type of person. During the marriage and my ex was in the military I took care of him making a home, children, ensuring his uniform was always cleaned and pressed. I was proud of him and felt it reflected on me if he didn’t look his best. Out of four daughters I was the one my mother relyed on the most for anything she needed. When she was in failing health I decided to take her up on her offer and moved in with my parents to care for them and their needs. I took care of my children and even though they are grown with families of their own, I can’t help but feel like they won’t survive if I don’t care for them. I would neglect myself to care for another family member. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn’t have any balance.

As I listened to the teachings I needed to give myself permission to care of me now. I had done my job as a mother and everyone survived and are onto their own path in life. Even though my ex didn’t want to continue even by himself I felt I had to or I would be buried alive in the pain and despair and that “what now?” feeling. I had to make a life for myself whether that included another man or not. For the first time in my life I was responsible for just me. I was not used to that feeling or thought. I’ve never cared for just me. How do I do that?

 
 
Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living. ~Tom O'Connor

I Remember Mama (15)

After my ex left in January I actually felt better about us splitting up because at least we were both alone. He had gone to Florida to help his mother and had left the girlfriend in the dust. I concentrated on working at a job I was not happy with and what to do about the house. When 2/3 of your income walks out the door it is difficult to make ends meet. Then I had the ulcer attack and knew physically I had to do something. Then one day in February, I find out that my ex has decided to move back to town and take up with the girlfriend again. I didn't know it at the time but I felt like he had left me all over again. 

When he left her I thought he had come to his senses. If he didn't want me at least he didn't want her either. She hadn't won after all. At the time I was just trying to maintain. As they days went by I guess something just snapped. That's when the life events took over and I fell apart.

Deciding to leave my house and go through another change was something that had to be done. I moved in with my parents around the first of March 2009. I was unable to work mentally, empty the house physically and deal with life in general. Once again my mother came to my rescue and took me back to the nest to recover. As I said before, the initial reason was for me to recover but it was also to help her with whatever she needed. I became errand runner, hairdresser, laundress, dishwasher and on occasion, cook. 

My mother was the best cook ever but as the years took the toll on her knees and legs that was something she could no longer do very often. I don't remember much of those early days and weeks. I slept a lot because of the depression but I do remember mom in the back room with me and we are looking at new quilt magazines with the latest pattern or technique, I am wanting to work on a new project but don't have the energy. I like talking and dreaming with her about fabrics and patterns and what we would make. She would work on current projects as we watched the news, quilt show or in the evenings her favorite show was The Closer. She got me hooked on it.

She didn't get out of the house much, too painful to walk and she refused to get in a wheelchair even though we had one in the house available. She would go around the house pushing her "buggy". One of those four wheeled walker type carts that she could hang onto and walk through the house with ease. She was so funny, in the basket she kept her purse, a change of shoes, and usually the latest mail. It never left the house but she had her shoes and purse just in case. 

Once a week my youngest daughter (who is a trained hair stylist) would come over and help her freshen up, wash and fix her hair. Usually no matter how bad she felt she wanted her hair washed and fixed. She loved seeing my daughter and having their time together. I know that was the bright day of her week. Mom loved all her children and grandchildren, etc. but this one was special. I guess it was because my daughter never got tired of being around her or impatient with mom due to her advanced age and stumbling feet. They would talk and talk, laugh and cry. 

I never saw my mother leave the house without her makeup on and her hair done. She taught all her girls to feel the same way and to this day if I leave the house without makeup or my hair just right, I feel awful.

Spring arrives and we are planning on going to the nursery to pick out flowers and plants. Mom has to have the yard look just right and all colors about. The azaleas were frozen back the previous winter so no blooms this Spring. They should be removed from the yard but no one is strong enough to do it and it's too expensive to hire someone to do it for them. 

We go to the local nursery and choose just the right ones for the front garden area. She decides to get some tomato plants for the back garden even though neither she or dad can go plant and tend to them as they require. She buys them anyway. It is a nice sunny day and she is feeling pretty good I think. She's exhausted when we get back but napping will help and she will recover.

The annual family reunion is approaching. First weekend in June in Mountain View, Arkansas. This is a big deal for my mom. She was the 9th child of 14 to be born in a small, now gone, little town nearby. She loved her family so the reunion is a big event. There are only three girls left. My mom, her sister in Dallas, and her sister in Michigan. Even though she has 4 closets of clothes she has to buy some new things for the trip. We will go the week before so we can have time to shop, visit with family and prepare for the auction. My mom always supplied a quilt to bring in the big money. She did a Postage Stamp this year and it is quilted and ready to go. She likes to take gifts for the women at the reunion.

A shopping trip is going to have to be planned. I could go for her but I insist she pick out the gifts personally so she will be happy with the choice. We decide to go to Pier 1, one of her favorites for a unique gift. I am the chauffeur and off we go. This is a Friday afternoon when I don't have the grandchildren to look after. Mom has her list and we are ready. Hair and makeup done and out the door.

She shops for several and I take the items to the counter as she goes around the store. Some items are alike to make it easy since some of the women are sisters. After having four girls she understands that fighting or jealousy can creep in if the gifts are different. So matching cups is best for some. A nice vase for the owner of the cabins where we will stay since she is a family friend. 

We are treated like royalty and mom is big on showing her appreciation. We have a good time, she is feeling good and all is well. We finish the shopping, load the car, get dinner on the way home and she is back in her favorite pink chair.

The next day is Saturday and I had planned on going to a street festival with a girlfriend. I went on even though mom complained of not feeling well. I chalked it up to the shopping trip and how it usually took her two days to recover from being out and about. Off I go to have some girl time. 

Later I go on the second date with a guy I met. We went to a movie and back home. He was not exactly my type but this dating thing was new and I was giving it a chance just in case it was just me. First date since marriage, first date since divorce. I come in and go about my business, say goodnight to mom and off to bed. It is late for me but she often stayed up past 2 or 3 am due to insomnia and then would sleep later in the morning. So leaving her and it late was not unusual.

Remember when I said I had prayed this year would be better than the last? I had no idea what was in store for me. I was to be tested again to see if I could survive another life event. This one would challenge the pain of divorce.

About midnight on this Saturday night I am awoken by my dad at the door. This is very unusual, he just didn't do that. He says mom is groaning and needs me. I jump up and run (and I don't run) to the living room. She is in her chair and says she can't move. She is terrible pain in her chest and can barely speak. Just moaning and groaning. I have been through her acute angina attacks before so I get a nito-glycerin tablet and an aspirin to see if that helps. I take her blood pressure, high but I am thinking the med will help and we will be okay. Well, the nitro does not help at all. Now my mother did not like to go to hospitals. She hated being away from her house, her bed, etc. So when she said, "call the ambulance" I knew something was really wrong and how I am  going to handle this? I get dressed as I am calling the ambulance, call my sister that lives the closest to come down and try not to look worried and upset. I am in panic mode, shaking and pacing. 

The ambulance arrives and in the army of care givers come to handle the patient. She can't say much except moan. She seems frustrated that no position is comfortable and that she can't stand up.

One of the EMTs talks to me about her meds, while the rest of the team are setting up their mobile equipment. They start putting on electrodes to get an EKG and they start trying to figure out what is happening. I notice that they have lifted her blouse and she is exposed but the pain is too great for her to notice or care. I very passively reach over and pull her blouse down to keep her dignity. She would be so embarrassed if she knew how she looked. The entry to the living area is too narrow, the downside of a house built in 1955 so they can't bring in the gurney. 

They have to carry her out. How she would have hated that if she knew it. But she just wants the pain to go away. They get her on the gurney that is stationed in the driveway and roll it to the ambulance. Now the neighbors are out and wondering what is going on. I tell dad to get dressed so we can go to the hospital but he is in shock and doesn't hear me say it until about the 4th or 5th time. I gather up some things that might be needed (this is not our first trip to the hospital) and prepare to get there maybe before they do.

As I wait to leave, I call the remaining sisters and my children to let them know we are going. It is after midnight of course, the time that major health events seem to occur. I reach everyone except my oldest child. She is asleep and has a noisemaker in her room so she can't hear the phone ring. But at this time I don't know why she doesn't answer. I am planning on bringing my mom back home so I can tell her later of the event.

We arrive at the hospital and once they have her IV'd and ready we are allowed to see her. We take turns since the ER is limited to how many can be with her. There are quite a few of us. My sisters, their husbands, two of my children, son in law, niece & her husband and two children. We are trusting the ER doctor to care for mom and do their best. The moaning doesn't stop. Nothing makes her comfortable. No position, no words, no back rub, nothing. We hate seeing her in pain and there seems to be no remedy. They decide to give her morphine but her blood pressure drops and they stop. So she lays there in pain, relieved for a very short time by the medicine and then back to moaning. We are told it could be pneumonia but I don't know if it would cause that much pain. We aren't getting much information from the doctor and we are afraid to ask the big question especially with my dad standing right there. So I push it out of my mind even though we are all thinking it. It rolls around in my head. Is she dying? 

No, there is something else going on. They will figure it out. She was fine yesterday, she will be fine tomorrow. They tell us they are preparing a room for her and want to run another test or two. Everyone thinks she will be okay, she's going to a room so after about 3 hours, everyone goes home - except dad and I.

Mom asks me to rub her back. Of course I will, I want her comfortable and out of pain. She rolls around and back and forth but can't get comfortable. The bed is raised and lowered. New pillow. No pillow. She has scooted to the foot of the bed and needs to be moved up.  I notice her feet are exposed and she always has cold feet, so I go to cover them. My dad get up and we are planning on pulling her up to the pillow. Just as I start to go to her side and help she suddenly sat up and said, "Oh!" and laid back down. I called to her. But her eyes were blank. She was gone just that fast. In the blink of an eye. Her face changed so fast. My mother usually had a smile on her face, even on a painful day. She was so open and loving - it always showed in her eyes. She loved her family and brightened up whenever anyone was to visit. She made you feel important if you were talking to her and she always liked to discuss the current events of the day. But, her eyes are blank, not scary just dim and frozen. I know she has left us with no warning.  

I run to get the doctor but he is meeting me since I am sure he could see the heart monitor. They lay the bed down flat and as I am being escorted out of the room, I look back and see them doing CPR. I am praying she will come back to us but I know in my heart she is gone. Now to call everyone back. The hardest call to make.

I don't want to say - mom died - so I say she isn't doing well. But I am sure by my voice each of them knew it was over. Everyone arrives back to the waiting area and we are all sobbing and wondering what happened. The ER doctor comes in and says we can go see her now. As I walk around the corner and see her lying there she is without her teeth. That would mortify my mother if anyone saw her that way. I ask the nurse to put them in before we all come in. She does and now she looks like herself. She is peaceful and looks like she is sleeping. I can't believe I am standing next to my mom who has left us here without hearing her voice, her wonderful laugh, her gentle touch. I stroke her hair and tell her I love her. That I will miss her so much and what will I do without her.

I am feeling very selfish and cheated. I didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair. I want my mother back. But that is not possible. She is with her mother and her brothers and sisters that she loved and missed so much. She is out of pain and I am only sad for myself. But at this moment I am angry and so, so, so sad. I can't believe that all happened in about 5 hours. If we had been told they were waiting for her to die, we would've said different things. Been able to say goodbye. The only person missing is my daughter with the noisy bedroom. I send my son-in law and daughter to go get her. She comes in the room but won't get near her grandmother. She is still angry she didn't get to say I love you and I will miss you. But that can't be reversed, we must move forward.

So now decisions will be made and we will all walk in the trance of disbelief. The funeral home shows up to take her away. I don't want to leave her. They don't know how to take care of her. I have an emptiness in my heart. How will I get through this? I am experiencing major life events in a very short amount of time. A divorce, loss of a home, loss of a job, and death of a parent. I need to see my counselor, my pastor, my friends. But first, we see the funeral home and try decide how to honor our mother as we go on without her.

My mom lost her mother when I was an infant so that is more than 50 years ago. One thing my mother always  said was, "you never get over losing your mother." She was right about that. I know that I have to move on, live on and accept it. But I know on this day - May 17, 2009, I lost my mother and that will be with me forever. I will never get over losing my mother. But I will honor her by not being too sad for me. I am thankful that I was her daughter. That I got to know her, love her, help her, be here for her. She was my friend, my confidant, my teacher, my nurse, but best of all, she was my mother. So with love, thankfulness, laughter and tears - I remember mama.





I cannot forget my mother.  She is my bridge.  When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely.  ~Renita Weems

Side Trip (14)

Alone again, naturally. I have decided to get out of the house. I love my home. It was the home I helped design and we were the first owners. I think back. A year ago, we started putting down wood flooring that I had wanted for years. Now it is half done in the living room and bare concrete from where the carpet had been ripped out. We did a spare room for practice and that turned out really well. He wanted it for the computer and TV where he could watch his sports in the comfort of his recliner. We decided to paint the room in the favorite team colors. I did most of the painting since he did the floors. I put all the team memorabilia in the room. It looked great. Now it is just a reminder of another mistake. When he left for the last time last March I asked him why we spent the money ($6k+) on new floors and paint? He said he knew I always wanted the wood floors. But, just like a lot of things in our marriage he left with it half done. My sons-in laws finished the living room for me. The other spare room and hallway were never done. I left the spare parts lying in the room and tried to let it all go.

The stress of the house and working a job I hated was building up inside. I was increasingly depressed and not feeling well enough to go to work. Then one night, I am awakened by the most horrible pain in my stomach. I thought I was on fire or trying to explode. Struggling to get up I make it to the spare room where my daughter is. I ask her to call the doctor and tell her how I feel. The doctor on call says go to the hospital. So off we go. Why do you get sick in the night? Why after midnight and a weekend? But, we get to the ER and I almost crawl in. I can’t stand up straight and it is hard to speak. After a shot for the pain and interview I am given a room and try to relax. They decide to keep me and start testing for the usual suspects. Of course the first thing is NO FOOD, not even water. I beg for ice chips.

After several tests, including the nuclear that are way too costly they can’t get a decision. By this time my doctor has come to see me. She remembers me telling her “no more gut tests” (translation: I had two back to back colonoscopies, along with two EDG's - camera down the throat- and recently I swallowed a capsule with a camera to take photos of my small intestines, so what's left to see?). So she says since all the organs that would cause this trouble are okay, she will treat as my ulcer has come back with a vengeance - gee I can't imagine why. Increase dosage or try another type. After four days I am sent home. What a nightmare. But the hospital was nice and everyone treated me very well. It was better than being at work which I hated.

Not only did I endure pain, not being at home, and not eating until day four, I missed attending my dear mother’s 90th birthday. I was so upset that day I cried. I begged to be released long enough to attend and I would be right back but no chance. I didn’t realize I could’ve gotten up and walked out but I wouldn’t have been able to get the IV tower in the car, so I guess I had to stay. Finally home. I feel terrible still – my guts just won’t let me alone. I see the doctor a few days later. She changes the meds and we talk about my so called life. She tells me to find a happy place.

Now at this point I am super duper depressed about my life. I am not seeing my counselor right now and just feel so awful. I find myself staying in bed not going to work, not eating, sleeping too much, no interest in doing anything. Is this what it is to have an emotional breakdown? I don’t know, don’t care. What to do? My youngest daughter comes to check on me a couple of days in a row. By the end of the week she is back to tell me I have to do something. She insists on taking me down to my mom’s house. We go in and my mother is glad to see us. She’s wondering why I am not at work, what’s going on? My daughter does all the talking and tells my mom that I am not capable of working and can’t stay at the house. She asked my mom if I can come live with them for awhile until I figure out what to do. My mom says ‘of course’. She is not in good health and could use some help around the house. My dad says nothing.

Somewhere in there I see my doctor again and I am very agitated and in tears. She tells me I must do something to change my life. I am also having panic attacks in the mornings. Of course there is medication for my panic and depression so another med. I don’t like to be medicated but I am so down I can’t function. It will be temporary. She reminds me I have been through life altering events. Divorce, losing my house, a job I dislike. She asks if I am able to quit the job and not work for awhile. I think so, I need to. So, the next day I muster up my courage and off to work I go armed with a resignation letter. I liked my supervisor but I had never been treated fairly so I wanted to leave. Of course they are surprised. I felt badly, I hated walking out without notice but I can feel my mind slipping away. I feel so empty and wrung out.

So, I move back into the bedroom I grew up in. Of course there was some furniture moving around and changes for my parents. Mom gave up some of her private space for me. But being the loving, wonderful mother she was – she did anything for her children. She knew I was in pain and wanted to do all she could for me. She babied me for the first couple of weeks, then she encouraged me the next couple and then she would come and say I needed to get to doing something. My daughter at this time was trying to work part time so I babysit the grandsons. That gave me a reason to get up in the morning. When my daughter and my neighbor were available and truck ready we would go to my house and bring stuff down to store. I had to empty a four bedroom house of 15 yrs of memories.

A bigger job than I ever imagined. I was so sad to have to leave I would become paralyzed. I just couldn’t focus, couldn’t lift anything. If it hadn’t been for them and later my Sunday school classmates I would have never gotten it done. I donated a lot and threw away more. Another group from church and some family members painted the outside for me. It went from an awful Smurf blue to a pretty sandy cream. They finally covered the fire damaged area - the cause still a mystery.

Spring arrives and the sun is shining more. I love the flowers blooming and seeing the grass turn green. I just don’t like winter; it is too bare and colorless. My mother loves flowers too. The yard always looked great with all the petunias, pansies (her fav) and potted geraniums on the porch. One day we are in the yard planting a new hydrangea. She sits on the bench in the yard directing my dad where to dig the hole and then I will set the plant. I think about how hard it is for her to get around. She so desperately wants to do it herself but can’t get on the ground, she would never get up. Her knees are bad and she stubbles as she crosses the yard. She wants things cleaned up but neither of them can do that kind of work anymore. Age has caught up with her and I know I must enjoy every moment.



[A] mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled. ~Emily Dickinson

A New Year (13)

The first Christmas as a family divided was the most difficult of my life. I don't care about putting up a tree or decorations. I was so terribly lonely on Christmas morning. No hussle and bussle of cooking and kids coming in and unwrapping presents. After a bit I go down to my mom's to see the rest of my family. I am so depressed and feel so isolated that I just can't get the spirit going. I go in the back and call my favorite male cousin who I am very close to. (not that type of close) He has gone through a divorce and has been helping me cope and lets me cry and complain about it all. He helps me get through the rest of the afternoon. My youngest child comes in with her husband. I know she went to see her dad first. That hurt. I felt she was choosing him over me. But looking back it was unfair to her for me to feel that way. She had a hard choice and made the best one she could. I have to stop thinking it is all about me. My children are in pain too. Divorce affects everyone. It is a huge elephant in the room and no one wants to talk about it. There is nothing to say, it will never be the same.

The calendar has turned to 2009. I'm glad the previous year is over. Maybe this one will be better. That is my prayer. I am still having to figure out how to get out the house. I know I need to start cleaning out extra stuff and things I can't keep but I just don't know where to begin. I am still struggling with moving forward. I look at my HOPESTEALERS(c) my counselor created. Which one fits? P for predicting the future? I do that all the time. S for should statements? Should I keep the house? If only I could've..... A for Acentuating the negative? But of course.

I don't contact my ex - he doesn't contact me so we are okay not talking. For me it keeps all the emotions stirred up if I do. I am so glad I don't have young children that we would have to move back and forth between households. I don't see how other mothers do that.

One day, early in January, I get a call from him. He wants to come to the house with our daughter. I am trying to be the Christian I have always tried to be so I say, of course. I try not to remember all those terrible things he said to me and about me before the divorce and how he doesn't want to help me keep the house. He comes in the door, and it feels strange. He's not a member of my family anymore. Is he a guest? What a wierd feeling. He tells me he is moving to Florida to help his mother.

He and the girlfriend broke up and he is staying with our daughter while waiting for enough money to move. The woman has a gambling problem and has spent all his money, even his retirement savings. He is leaving a good job he has had for 10 yrs and going with just the stuff in his truck. I am secretly glad he has left the woman. Maybe he is coming back to his senses. Funny, I kinda feel sorry for him. Part of me wants him to say  he made a mistake, he loves me and wants to come back and work on our marriage. Boy, what a fantasy. A fairytale in my head. He walks around the house - that used to be his house - nervous to see me. There isn't much to say. What's to say? I have to accept the fact that he doesn't love me. He has made his choice and it's not me. I want both of us happy. I decide I can't be angry at him forever. That only hurts me.

We have dinner as a family once again and play a board game. We laugh and tease each other like we used to. We all act as if we are whole again. Before he left I pulled him aside and asked if I could talk to him alone one more time. I tell him I don't want to be enemies. He is the father of my children and I need to be able to reach him anytime I need to when it concerns the children. I don't want him to disappear and not let someone know where he is located. I tell him I accept that we don't love each other anymore. I wonder if he regrets not working on saving our marriage but deep down I know it was unsaveable. It was time for it to die.

He leaves in the early afternoon to head out of town. His truck is packed tight. He barely hugs the girls as he leaves. Why isn't he more affectionate with them? All a child wants from their parent is to be loved and accepted. I give him a hug as he is going out the door but he doesn't hug back. I watch as he drives out of the driveway and down the street knowing this could be the last time I ever see him. He is leaving my life. This is one of those moments you remember all your life. I am crying a little. I think to myself - I will be okay - I am getting stronger and God has a great plan for me.

I remember my counselor telling me I would know when I would begin to heal from the divorce. When I could tell him it was okay he didn't love me and I was strong enough to let him go. I feel stronger after this encounter. I survived it. It didn't kill me. I am thinking of the movie "The Way We Were". The ending scene when Katie sees Hubble across the street. They greet each other and talk for a moment. You know they are thinking as they look as each other - how they might still love each other but can't be together. They aren't their best selves when they are together. That is my goal. To be my best self. I love my ex because he is the father of my wonderful children but I don't love him enough to give myself away again, beg him to love me and not be my best self. I think I have done enough of that.  I've stopped dying for him and now I am living for me.

I will never again beg a man to love me.



Look for joy in difficult times. Look beyond the pain and find purpose for your struggle.