It is July 2008 - last night of my dance class. I am sad when it is over and I walk out for the last time. I cry as I sit in my car. I will really miss this. What a great experience. I really needed to know I was good at something during this time of my life. My instructor was so great, and I felt excited, happy, free, and for a little while during the lessons I wasn't sad or lonely.
I am job hunting. In the midst of all this pain - looking for a job is a hard thing to do. I have to put on a mask everytime I meet with someone. I can't let them see how down I am, how lost, how devastated. I am working with a couple of temp agencies so they do most of the leg work.
Oh, I got to talk to my dear friend in Australia today. We have been friends for more than 15 years. Haven't seen each other in almost that length of time but twice a year we talk on the phone. Now with Facebook we can talk easily and quickly. The internet can be a wonderful thing. Her mother has died suddenly. She lived in Florida so my friend has to fly there for the services. We talk about how much we love our mothers, marriage, kids, my divorce and life in general. She is sympathetic to my issues in the middle of her own pain.
It is time for my to buy myself a new car. I got a good, used car but it is new to me. Fuel efficiency is priority one. It is red, and just fits me. Mom has a consult with a kidney specialist. She is not doing well but he is nice and she likes him. He adjusts her meds and that helps. When did she get to be so frail? She is the strongest woman I know and now I see her declining right before my eyes.
I still see my counselor weekly. He is such a life saver. I think I can make it without talking to him and then something happens and I am so glad to be there talking to him. I can tell him anything and he is my friend. He tries to guide me to talk about intimate details of my marriage but I am not ready to talk about that. I didn't date much and my ex was more experienced than me. I never was very comfortable and that's all I will say on that subject. But I am wanting to meet someone new and I want to date (I think) but I am nervous. I am out of practice and insecure.
It is August and I quit my current position. I've had interviews but nothing yet. My counselor is helping me brainstorm to try and find my passion. Something that drives me. I love to sew and do crafts but there is no money in that. And I don't even have enough energy to go into my sewing room much less be creative.
Fast forward to October. I decide to try EHarmony and do an internet dating experiement. I fix up my profile, post a photo and wait. I am also attending the Thrive support group. My counselor wants me to be around other divorced people. I feel out of place but I make a friend. She is from Louisiana and just separated from her husband. We hit it off right away and are still friends today. So far, there isn't anyone in the group that seems to be interested in me or me in anyone else. But I take it one day at a time. I am growing, learning, and trusting that it will all work out. I will concentrate on finding a job and getting that part of my life in focus. I need to start thinking about selling the house. I can't keep it and there is painting, repairs and other things that need to be done and I can't afford to do that. If I do sell, I am sure I won't make any money out of it. The market is terrible and I will be lucky just to get out from under it.
The holidays are coming and I am not looking forward to my first Christmas as a single person. I like the thought of having my family around me, but I am alone in the house. I don't want to share my children with my ex. I find myself getting jealous when I find they have even spoken to him. I keep it to myself. They have a right to communicate with each other - it is unfair for me to feel that way. But, I feel it anyway. He gave up his family to go live with another woman. He doesn't have the right to see them. I am irrational about all this I know but I can't help it. I feel cheated and I want him cheated too. But I can't tell the girls to not see their father. I have to live with whatever decision they make. I am trying to be adult about it. Who said I have to be an adult? Where is that written? I can hear all sorts of things in my head. Karma will get me if I am hateful, vengeful. Christ says forgive and forget. It will be a long time for that. I am a stubborn redhead. Forgive, maybe someday. Forget - never.
When I get discouraged: this too will pass. It is not going to last forever. The clouds will dissipate one day, I will see the goodness of God again in my life.
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