Lonliness is creeping into my spirit. I was alone for many of the 30 years we were married so I am ready to find love quicker than most divorcees. I am worried. Am I strong enough? Where do I begin? I don't like the bar scene. Do I think about it too much? It spins in my head constantly. My life is boring. I don't feel as though I am moving forward. I am stuck. My counselor tells me I am inpatient and need to just accept the way things are. Things happen in their own time. I hate that. I want my life to change now! I feel as though I have been waiting all my life to live. He says relax and enjoy life. I don't think I know how to do that. I'm enjoying my dance lessons but it will be over too soon.
My counselor is starting a group for single people wanting to learn how to move on from the loss of a love. You could be divorced, widowed, just coming out of a long relationship - doesn't matter. If you want to grow as a person to become your best self, this is the group to join. He calls it "Thrive". That is what we all want to do - thrive, especially after the loss of this magnitude. I like going to the seminars even though I have completed his cd series. There is always some new thing I learn. It gives me something to look forward to and I need that right now.
I am still dreaming about my ex. Not on purpose or by choice. I don't like to dream about him. But once I meet someone new I will replace him. Why is he so hateful when we talk? We are still working out the house situation. I still find it hard to believe this has happened. When did our lives go in different directions? Did I see it coming and ignore it? I think it was because I wasn't strong enough at the time and always thought my marriage could survive anything. I had survived some of the lonlinest times as a married woman. So I thought - our marriage can survive this. We just have to talk and figure it out. He just needs some time to think about what and who he wants. I have been there for all his career, waiting. I produced three wonderful children. I followed him all over waiting for him to get out of the service. Doesn't he owe it to me for my patience and loyalty?
We went through awful times when we were first married and he was going to school in Great Lakes, Ill. I was alone about 45 min away in a tiny apartment with no furniture except in the bedroom. But we were newlyweds and I don't remember being too miserable. Then we were transferred to Mayport, Florida for sea duty. His first aircraft carrier with 5000 other men. And yes, I could pick him out of the crowd when they all stood on deck in their summer whites or winter blues. We were there 6 weeks when he shipped out for his first 9 month deployment to the Mediteranean area (now they do 6 months at a time). And I was alone again in a strange town with no family or friends. But I survived that too. Then back to port and we are together for a year while they repair/refit the ship and prepare for the next deployment. This assignment would last 4 years. He would serve close to 17 years of sea duty out of the 22 he served in his career. So you see, I can say I was in a lonely marriage and raised my children mostly by myself. Then in the later years of our marriage I was alone again with him in the same room. It was a feeling I was familiar with. But, now that I am through raising my children and it is our time, I am disappointed with how things have turned out for us. I am ready to fulfill the dreams we had when we were younger.
But it wasn't to be and now I must face the fact that I have to finish my life alone or with someone new. I don't know what God has in store for me. I would like to hope I find a new love but I just don't know. That is the frustrating part. I can be inpatient when I want change in my life. I always want it quicker than is possible. I feel like time is running out for me and there is no time to waste. I am thinking about internet dating sites. Is that something for me? How does that work out? Should I leave it up to "fate", "luck", "karma"? Something to think about.
If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."
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