Arrivederci (19)

There are so many good subjects covered in the G.O.W.I(c) series that you need to learn for yourself. If you are interested in purchasing and completing the series, please go to the website link listed in the previous post #7 The Quick Step. The last thing I will discuss is how I was able to say goodbye to someone I had known for more than 30 years.

If I was to let another man into my life I had to get my ex out of my head, heart, and life (at least the day to day stuff). As I said before, I feel fortunate I don't have young children to share so I don't have to hear from him or see him unless there is a need. So far after a year there has been only one need (when the house was in transition). I got over my obsession with my ex pretty quickly. I guess that is because we were separated so much by his career. When he wasn't physically with me, I knew he was gone and just didn't look for him. But I still had to get him out of my heart.

A love loss addiction steals your ability to concentrate on non-relationship pursuits. I would sit and dwell on the events and that kept me from pursuing my crafts, reading, friends and family. I had to stop imagining that he was sitting there thinking about me. He wasn't thinking about me. He had made that clear when he left me for another. It was robbing my identity, my personality, my joy. It disrupted all relationships I did have and laid waste to my potential. Dwelling on him was a dead end road to despair, weakness, waste, worthlessness, and general misery. I had to stop thinking of him constantly. I wasn't going to get him back and deep down I didn't want him. I knew I was over being miserable and thrown away. I just had to make sure he was gone for good and needing him would not resurface in the future. My victory would be discovering myself and getting ME back. My relationship couldn't continue in the state it was in. We didn't have anything in common except our children. He had compulsive habits that I couldn't deal with so it needed to be over. I had to declare my independence!

I did the thought stopping exercise. First I got rid of all reminders of my ex in my home. Photos, clothes, food, gifts from him, anything that reminded me of him. I had to replace the thoughts of him with other thoughts that had nothing to do with him. I made a list of thoughts I had about him on one side of a page and the replacement thought on the other side. One side said Where is he living? Where did he meet her? Did he bring her to my house? How will I live? On the other side I wrote, I don't care where he is living. It doesn't matter where he met her. I can't control if he brought her to the house, it doesn't matter anymore. One thing I did when I couldn't stop thinking about him and seeing him in my head was look at my photo album from my trip to Italy in 2006. I would look at my photos and see myself standing on the bridge in Florence watching the beautiful sunset. Or the photo of me standing in the Colosseum in Rome and imaging all the events that took place there so many centuries ago. I would feel peaceful again and could feel the sun on my face. Or I would imagine sitting with my grandchildren reading or watching them play. They are such a joy and it is too bad my ex doesn't get to see them as often as I do. When he left I don't think he knew what he was giving up for her. He lost more than I did.

I pictured his name on a giant rock I had on my shoulder and then I would smash it on the street. What did he give me I couldn't get from others? I had to remember that when I was alone and he was on the other side of the world, I was able to take care of myself and three small children. I was capable of surviving. This was the same, I didn't like it - but I could do it. I am proud of myself for surviving those years and have three terrific girls to show for it.

My aunt was so smart. She knew I was not happily married and when she decided to go to Italy to see her son she asked if I wanted to go as her traveling companion. She also knew I had always wanted to travel so I was so grateful and excited that she chose me. My first trip without husband, kids, phones, or any interruptions. The experience helped me examine my life and what I wanted it to be. I knew I was miserable and had to make a change. I didn't know those 10 days would get me through the terrible weeks, months and years of divorce recovery. It opened my eyes to the big world of possibilities and I began to think differently about myself and my situation. I was stronger than I ever thought. I had disappeared over the course of a long marriage. I was invisible to him. I had forgotten who I was. I am a terrific, smart, and funny woman. Any man would be happy to know me. I felt like a phoenix coming back to life. I had endured and survived and now I needed to live. The fear of being single was better than knowing I was settling for an unhappy life.

I had to develop activities and interests that I had forgotten about when you are raising a family. To defeat loneliness I had to keep my mind from ballooning with how irrational things are. I know very well how bad moods are hard to resist. But I had the courage to get out of a bad marriage and I would survive the aftershocks. Living well is the best revenge. It is vital to put the pain behind and move forward with my life and find a new love. Someone is out there looking for me too. Otherwise I have given up my power to the person who had hurt me. I will rise up and live my life! I will live free!


Bravery is the fruit of a thousand hardships - Philippine proverb