I Remember Mama (15)

After my ex left in January I actually felt better about us splitting up because at least we were both alone. He had gone to Florida to help his mother and had left the girlfriend in the dust. I concentrated on working at a job I was not happy with and what to do about the house. When 2/3 of your income walks out the door it is difficult to make ends meet. Then I had the ulcer attack and knew physically I had to do something. Then one day in February, I find out that my ex has decided to move back to town and take up with the girlfriend again. I didn't know it at the time but I felt like he had left me all over again. 

When he left her I thought he had come to his senses. If he didn't want me at least he didn't want her either. She hadn't won after all. At the time I was just trying to maintain. As they days went by I guess something just snapped. That's when the life events took over and I fell apart.

Deciding to leave my house and go through another change was something that had to be done. I moved in with my parents around the first of March 2009. I was unable to work mentally, empty the house physically and deal with life in general. Once again my mother came to my rescue and took me back to the nest to recover. As I said before, the initial reason was for me to recover but it was also to help her with whatever she needed. I became errand runner, hairdresser, laundress, dishwasher and on occasion, cook. 

My mother was the best cook ever but as the years took the toll on her knees and legs that was something she could no longer do very often. I don't remember much of those early days and weeks. I slept a lot because of the depression but I do remember mom in the back room with me and we are looking at new quilt magazines with the latest pattern or technique, I am wanting to work on a new project but don't have the energy. I like talking and dreaming with her about fabrics and patterns and what we would make. She would work on current projects as we watched the news, quilt show or in the evenings her favorite show was The Closer. She got me hooked on it.

She didn't get out of the house much, too painful to walk and she refused to get in a wheelchair even though we had one in the house available. She would go around the house pushing her "buggy". One of those four wheeled walker type carts that she could hang onto and walk through the house with ease. She was so funny, in the basket she kept her purse, a change of shoes, and usually the latest mail. It never left the house but she had her shoes and purse just in case. 

Once a week my youngest daughter (who is a trained hair stylist) would come over and help her freshen up, wash and fix her hair. Usually no matter how bad she felt she wanted her hair washed and fixed. She loved seeing my daughter and having their time together. I know that was the bright day of her week. Mom loved all her children and grandchildren, etc. but this one was special. I guess it was because my daughter never got tired of being around her or impatient with mom due to her advanced age and stumbling feet. They would talk and talk, laugh and cry. 

I never saw my mother leave the house without her makeup on and her hair done. She taught all her girls to feel the same way and to this day if I leave the house without makeup or my hair just right, I feel awful.

Spring arrives and we are planning on going to the nursery to pick out flowers and plants. Mom has to have the yard look just right and all colors about. The azaleas were frozen back the previous winter so no blooms this Spring. They should be removed from the yard but no one is strong enough to do it and it's too expensive to hire someone to do it for them. 

We go to the local nursery and choose just the right ones for the front garden area. She decides to get some tomato plants for the back garden even though neither she or dad can go plant and tend to them as they require. She buys them anyway. It is a nice sunny day and she is feeling pretty good I think. She's exhausted when we get back but napping will help and she will recover.

The annual family reunion is approaching. First weekend in June in Mountain View, Arkansas. This is a big deal for my mom. She was the 9th child of 14 to be born in a small, now gone, little town nearby. She loved her family so the reunion is a big event. There are only three girls left. My mom, her sister in Dallas, and her sister in Michigan. Even though she has 4 closets of clothes she has to buy some new things for the trip. We will go the week before so we can have time to shop, visit with family and prepare for the auction. My mom always supplied a quilt to bring in the big money. She did a Postage Stamp this year and it is quilted and ready to go. She likes to take gifts for the women at the reunion.

A shopping trip is going to have to be planned. I could go for her but I insist she pick out the gifts personally so she will be happy with the choice. We decide to go to Pier 1, one of her favorites for a unique gift. I am the chauffeur and off we go. This is a Friday afternoon when I don't have the grandchildren to look after. Mom has her list and we are ready. Hair and makeup done and out the door.

She shops for several and I take the items to the counter as she goes around the store. Some items are alike to make it easy since some of the women are sisters. After having four girls she understands that fighting or jealousy can creep in if the gifts are different. So matching cups is best for some. A nice vase for the owner of the cabins where we will stay since she is a family friend. 

We are treated like royalty and mom is big on showing her appreciation. We have a good time, she is feeling good and all is well. We finish the shopping, load the car, get dinner on the way home and she is back in her favorite pink chair.

The next day is Saturday and I had planned on going to a street festival with a girlfriend. I went on even though mom complained of not feeling well. I chalked it up to the shopping trip and how it usually took her two days to recover from being out and about. Off I go to have some girl time. 

Later I go on the second date with a guy I met. We went to a movie and back home. He was not exactly my type but this dating thing was new and I was giving it a chance just in case it was just me. First date since marriage, first date since divorce. I come in and go about my business, say goodnight to mom and off to bed. It is late for me but she often stayed up past 2 or 3 am due to insomnia and then would sleep later in the morning. So leaving her and it late was not unusual.

Remember when I said I had prayed this year would be better than the last? I had no idea what was in store for me. I was to be tested again to see if I could survive another life event. This one would challenge the pain of divorce.

About midnight on this Saturday night I am awoken by my dad at the door. This is very unusual, he just didn't do that. He says mom is groaning and needs me. I jump up and run (and I don't run) to the living room. She is in her chair and says she can't move. She is terrible pain in her chest and can barely speak. Just moaning and groaning. I have been through her acute angina attacks before so I get a nito-glycerin tablet and an aspirin to see if that helps. I take her blood pressure, high but I am thinking the med will help and we will be okay. Well, the nitro does not help at all. Now my mother did not like to go to hospitals. She hated being away from her house, her bed, etc. So when she said, "call the ambulance" I knew something was really wrong and how I am  going to handle this? I get dressed as I am calling the ambulance, call my sister that lives the closest to come down and try not to look worried and upset. I am in panic mode, shaking and pacing. 

The ambulance arrives and in the army of care givers come to handle the patient. She can't say much except moan. She seems frustrated that no position is comfortable and that she can't stand up.

One of the EMTs talks to me about her meds, while the rest of the team are setting up their mobile equipment. They start putting on electrodes to get an EKG and they start trying to figure out what is happening. I notice that they have lifted her blouse and she is exposed but the pain is too great for her to notice or care. I very passively reach over and pull her blouse down to keep her dignity. She would be so embarrassed if she knew how she looked. The entry to the living area is too narrow, the downside of a house built in 1955 so they can't bring in the gurney. 

They have to carry her out. How she would have hated that if she knew it. But she just wants the pain to go away. They get her on the gurney that is stationed in the driveway and roll it to the ambulance. Now the neighbors are out and wondering what is going on. I tell dad to get dressed so we can go to the hospital but he is in shock and doesn't hear me say it until about the 4th or 5th time. I gather up some things that might be needed (this is not our first trip to the hospital) and prepare to get there maybe before they do.

As I wait to leave, I call the remaining sisters and my children to let them know we are going. It is after midnight of course, the time that major health events seem to occur. I reach everyone except my oldest child. She is asleep and has a noisemaker in her room so she can't hear the phone ring. But at this time I don't know why she doesn't answer. I am planning on bringing my mom back home so I can tell her later of the event.

We arrive at the hospital and once they have her IV'd and ready we are allowed to see her. We take turns since the ER is limited to how many can be with her. There are quite a few of us. My sisters, their husbands, two of my children, son in law, niece & her husband and two children. We are trusting the ER doctor to care for mom and do their best. The moaning doesn't stop. Nothing makes her comfortable. No position, no words, no back rub, nothing. We hate seeing her in pain and there seems to be no remedy. They decide to give her morphine but her blood pressure drops and they stop. So she lays there in pain, relieved for a very short time by the medicine and then back to moaning. We are told it could be pneumonia but I don't know if it would cause that much pain. We aren't getting much information from the doctor and we are afraid to ask the big question especially with my dad standing right there. So I push it out of my mind even though we are all thinking it. It rolls around in my head. Is she dying? 

No, there is something else going on. They will figure it out. She was fine yesterday, she will be fine tomorrow. They tell us they are preparing a room for her and want to run another test or two. Everyone thinks she will be okay, she's going to a room so after about 3 hours, everyone goes home - except dad and I.

Mom asks me to rub her back. Of course I will, I want her comfortable and out of pain. She rolls around and back and forth but can't get comfortable. The bed is raised and lowered. New pillow. No pillow. She has scooted to the foot of the bed and needs to be moved up.  I notice her feet are exposed and she always has cold feet, so I go to cover them. My dad get up and we are planning on pulling her up to the pillow. Just as I start to go to her side and help she suddenly sat up and said, "Oh!" and laid back down. I called to her. But her eyes were blank. She was gone just that fast. In the blink of an eye. Her face changed so fast. My mother usually had a smile on her face, even on a painful day. She was so open and loving - it always showed in her eyes. She loved her family and brightened up whenever anyone was to visit. She made you feel important if you were talking to her and she always liked to discuss the current events of the day. But, her eyes are blank, not scary just dim and frozen. I know she has left us with no warning.  

I run to get the doctor but he is meeting me since I am sure he could see the heart monitor. They lay the bed down flat and as I am being escorted out of the room, I look back and see them doing CPR. I am praying she will come back to us but I know in my heart she is gone. Now to call everyone back. The hardest call to make.

I don't want to say - mom died - so I say she isn't doing well. But I am sure by my voice each of them knew it was over. Everyone arrives back to the waiting area and we are all sobbing and wondering what happened. The ER doctor comes in and says we can go see her now. As I walk around the corner and see her lying there she is without her teeth. That would mortify my mother if anyone saw her that way. I ask the nurse to put them in before we all come in. She does and now she looks like herself. She is peaceful and looks like she is sleeping. I can't believe I am standing next to my mom who has left us here without hearing her voice, her wonderful laugh, her gentle touch. I stroke her hair and tell her I love her. That I will miss her so much and what will I do without her.

I am feeling very selfish and cheated. I didn't sign up for this. This isn't fair. I want my mother back. But that is not possible. She is with her mother and her brothers and sisters that she loved and missed so much. She is out of pain and I am only sad for myself. But at this moment I am angry and so, so, so sad. I can't believe that all happened in about 5 hours. If we had been told they were waiting for her to die, we would've said different things. Been able to say goodbye. The only person missing is my daughter with the noisy bedroom. I send my son-in law and daughter to go get her. She comes in the room but won't get near her grandmother. She is still angry she didn't get to say I love you and I will miss you. But that can't be reversed, we must move forward.

So now decisions will be made and we will all walk in the trance of disbelief. The funeral home shows up to take her away. I don't want to leave her. They don't know how to take care of her. I have an emptiness in my heart. How will I get through this? I am experiencing major life events in a very short amount of time. A divorce, loss of a home, loss of a job, and death of a parent. I need to see my counselor, my pastor, my friends. But first, we see the funeral home and try decide how to honor our mother as we go on without her.

My mom lost her mother when I was an infant so that is more than 50 years ago. One thing my mother always  said was, "you never get over losing your mother." She was right about that. I know that I have to move on, live on and accept it. But I know on this day - May 17, 2009, I lost my mother and that will be with me forever. I will never get over losing my mother. But I will honor her by not being too sad for me. I am thankful that I was her daughter. That I got to know her, love her, help her, be here for her. She was my friend, my confidant, my teacher, my nurse, but best of all, she was my mother. So with love, thankfulness, laughter and tears - I remember mama.





I cannot forget my mother.  She is my bridge.  When I needed to get across, she steadied herself long enough for me to run across safely.  ~Renita Weems